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Prospects

The Duke Of Marshall

The Duke Of Marshall

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Real Person
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Gentlemen,
What do you see as the best approach for for bringing up plural marriage to a woman who was not raised to believe as such? Even for a prospective first wife?

Semper Fidelis,
Todd
 
Best approach? "Don't!" :-)

I feel for you, that's got to be a tough one - I actually think it's easier to present to a prospective 2nd, because from the world's perspective, you look (a little) more honorable: hey, at least I don't want to divorce my wife for you.

I'm sure a large percentage of Christian single women are not going to be open, regardless of how it's presented - but you knew that already. So we talking about playing the odds here - maybe taking out a full-page newspaper ad wouldn't be a bad idea.

OK, more seriously, here's one idea: make me (or some other polygamist) the "bad guy" initially. Mention in passing you have this "good buddy" who happens to have 2 wives, and that you've met them, and they're not Mormons, they fear God, and are (more or less!) normal people. If that doesn't get a wholly negative response, then you start down the "slippery slope": 1) My friend got me thinking.... 2) I want to take you on a trip and, oh, my friend and his family live nearby... 3) Here's something I'd like you read... 4) You know Amy, that cute friend of yours?... :roll:

I do suspect if you've met someone that you really care about, the best approach will be very slow, not overwhelming with the idea all at once. Just drop it at first sign of frustration, and be very patient - if she comes to really care about you in the process and see that you are serious about your beliefs and care about her feelings, maybe, just maybe, there's a chance.

Lots of prayer, wouldn't hurt either.
 
Nathan,

I love your practical answers! In America, this is so hard. It might be worth the time to look at some prospects in more polygamy open countries.

Blessings!

Nathan7 said:
Best approach? "Don't!" :-)

I feel for you, that's got to be a tough one - I actually think it's easier to present to a prospective 2nd, because from the world's perspective, you look (a little) more honorable: hey, at least I don't want to divorce my wife for you.

I'm sure a large percentage of Christian single women are not going to be open, regardless of how it's presented - but you knew that already. So we talking about playing the odds here - maybe taking out a full-page newspaper ad wouldn't be a bad idea.

OK, more seriously, here's one idea: make me (or some other polygamist) the "bad guy" initially. Mention in passing you have this "good buddy" who happens to have 2 wives, and that you've met them, and they're not Mormons, they fear God, and are (more or less!) normal people. If that doesn't get a wholly negative response, then you start down the "slippery slope": 1) My friend got me thinking.... 2) I want to take you on a trip and, oh, my friend and his family live nearby... 3) Here's something I'd like you read... 4) You know Amy, that cute friend of yours?... :roll:

I do suspect if you've met someone that you really care about, the best approach will be very slow, not overwhelming with the idea all at once. Just drop it at first sign of frustration, and be very patient - if she comes to really care about you in the process and see that you are serious about your beliefs and care about her feelings, maybe, just maybe, there's a chance.

Lots of prayer, wouldn't hurt either.
Click to expand...
 
Nathan7 said:
I do suspect if you've met someone that you really care about, the best approach will be very slow, not overwhelming with the idea all at once. Just drop it at first sign of frustration, and be very patient - if she comes to really care about you in the process and see that you are serious about your beliefs and care about her feelings, maybe, just maybe, there's a chance.

Lots of prayer, wouldn't hurt either.
Click to expand...

That's about the best advice you'll hear. I think it's better that a prospective mate knows about your beliefs up front so that she won't be rudely surprised by them later. However, like Nathan said, go very, very slowly and make her feel safe at every moment. Security is paramount in the heart of a woman.

(BTW, for anyone who doesn't already know me, I'm Jay. :D )
 
Having told the first (and so far only) wife, I can speak from personal experience that it is not easy. I never made a big deal about it, I never tried to push it, and actually kept it to myself for probably much longer than I should have. But when I was asked point blank what I believed, I knew at that moment that the Lord was allowing a test: what am I willing to risk for what I believe?

I don't regret the decision, because if I had denied that I didn't believe in polygyny, I would be lying, and in danger of hellfire. But there is also a price to pay for obedience.

I know in my case at least, I would think it would be easier to be single and believe in polygyny, than to be someone who adamantly defended one man-one woman and come into a belief in plural marriage (which was my case). At least a prospective mate would know up front what they were getting into.
 
I served each, fellowshipped with each, got to know each, got to be known by each, trusted by each, and then loved by each until their love for me overcame their aversion to poly and became open to poly with me. I would never bring it up with a woman who doesn't accept polygyny until she has come to trust and love me. James 1:27 calls on us to look after and take care of widows and bereft women. If you do this regularly and faithfully some will come to trust and love you. Then proceed as the Lord leads.
Tyler
 
My original wife and I both essentially came to faith together; the surprising understanding that what we had been TOLD the Bible said, about polygyny among other things, and what it REALLY said are two very different things was a major milestone in that process.

The rest of that walk, and the growth and pitfalls associated with covering two wives, is a continuing challenge, and blessing. Over the years I have increasingly taken a more open and bold position (that we may 'speak His Truth boldly') on the topic, particularly with those who claim to be Bible believers. This case may be made with assurance, directly from the Word.

The simple Truth is that God does not Himself sin (see the two witnesses in the prophets), He does not say "Thou shalt NOT" - and then provide rules for how to do it anyway, He changes not, and He is utterly consistent. I often start or end with a logical challenge for those so inclined: "You CANNOT show me where polygyny is prohibited in the Word; I can show where it is (under certain circumstances) required." (There are TWO such; the Levirate Law is obvious, but the Brit Hadasha/New Testament case is for the advanced student. ;) )

Over the years, with the attacks of the world, I have found that the best approach is, as the above posters note, first prayerful, but then to be VERY specific about what the Word of God actually states, as opposed to what the "traditions of men" (and women) might wish He had Written instead. It turns out that He knows better, and does have "all things worked out for our good".
 
I think there are some great insights here! Building relationships around trust I think is very important. If you are a trustworthy person, it helps bring security into the relationships you are developing. When you share something that, at least for most American women, brings out the feelings of insecurity, you will be able to work through those things that have not been evaluated thus far, because they know that you are a trustworthy person. My two cents!
 
I really appreciate the insights on this particular subject. What I find of particular interest on the topic of prospects is what happens when we stop 'seeking' that person(s?) to 'complete' us, but rather look at building relationships, as stated above.

When I go on a date, I am not 'pre-qualifying' that individual based on their pro or con issue of plural marriage. My first concern is whether or not they are a believer...that alone can be a difficult pre-qualifier. Neither am I on the first date at Starbucks going to whip out my 'plural marriage' membership card. I have simply been presenting myself as a believer, a father of two great kids, a hard worker, a former pastor, and a manager of a Christian ministry.

(Shoot, I sound pretty good with just that ;) )

Now, I have progressed along with discussions with individuals, and plural marriage has come up, but so has inerrancy of Scripture, the role of the church in the modern world, and whether hot chicken wings are best alone or with bleu cheese dressing. What I find is that learning about someone else, I expose myself to new ideas and thoughts. Some I will take and apply in my own life, others I will not. The same will happen with the other person as well.

We are never going to agree 100% in all areas of life. I don't with my Dad, my brothers, my kids...heck, I don't even agree with myself half the time. But we aren't looking for someone to agree with us in all areas. A relationship between a man and a woman and God is the primary community, upon which family, tribes, and larger communities are formed. Community means finding those things that we have in common, and building on those, and finding those things that we have differences about, and learn from them.

It is all about relationships. And when it comes to relationships, and their success, three basic rules apply:

1) Be polite - always be the servant, considerate of the other's needs and feelings.
2) Be truthful - do not lie, do nor shade the truth, do not repackage it. You will be found out.
3) Be yourself - do not be someone that you're not. Be who God created you to be: unique

Doc
 
Doc,

I think you nailed it... it is about relationships!
 
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