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Prayer request Prayer please

Mc_B

Mc_B

Member
Male
The discussion finally came up, I definitely blew it as I'm awful with words and the timing likely wasn't the best. And now I'm terrified my wonderful wife may leave me. I have zero intentions of living this lifestyle if it means ruining my family and marriage. She thinks I only want to sleep with other women and that I don't think she's enough. My heart is so grieved, and I hate seeing her so hurt, please pray for reconciliation.
 
Mc_B said:
The discussion finally came up, I definitely blew it as I'm awful with words and the timing likely wasn't the best. And now I'm terrified my wonderful wife may leave me. I have zero intentions of living this lifestyle if it means ruining my family and marriage. She thinks I only want to sleep with other women and that I don't think she's enough. My heart is so grieved, and I hate seeing her so hurt, please pray for reconciliation.
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You can navigate your way forward. For now, back off on any attempt to persuade her about polygyny. Focus on the fact that you love your wife, you're permanently committed to her, and you have no desire to be apart from her. She is having her first big reaction now. Remove the fuel. I do not recommend begging, a**-kissing, or caving in, however.

I'm not exactly recommending what I'm about to mention, but one thing I have never had cause to regret was this: when my wife and I were at our worst in regard to conflict about plural marriage, I recognized that I was being dominated by my fear of losing her -- and my response to that recognition was to tell her to go ahead and divorce me, but that I wouldn't make it easy for her. I told her, "I will not leave. I will not cooperate with the divorce. I don't want you to leave. But if you're hellbent on it, then you know where the door is. Go ahead; walk right on out of it. I'll miss you. But I'm not going to go find some other place to live. If you actually leave, and you attempt to take our children away from you, I will decide between only two options: fighting you tooth and nail, or entirely abandoning them to you [we still had four at home back then] so you can do it all on your own, and I will save them the grief of having to navigate between us and save myself the grief of watching you turn them against me. Decide. I don't think you really want to leave; you're just trying to manipulate and dominate me. You don't even really want to be a full wife to me, but you're too stingy to be willing to share me. So make up your mind, but I want you to shut up about divorce. If you're going to do it, just grow up and do it, but if you're not going to do it, then just shut the f*** up."

Again, I'm not recommending this, but I'm also certainly not recommending that you quake in fear for your wife. A brother spoke at last June's retreat in Branson MO, introducing to me a new way to contemplate such situations: it's worthy to assess whether or not we are perhaps actually idolizing our wives, treating them as if we can't live without them. He owned up to having done that with his ex-wife, and I recognized in myself that I had been guilty of doing the same thing with mine.

When the truth is that it is harder for them to live without us than it is for us to live without them. It's also the case that husbands are far more difficult to replace than are wives.
 
Praying.
Be patient, steadfast and loving towards her. She is most likely in a space of questioning everything the two of you have shared in your marriage while you just broke her heart. She is going to mourn the death of the marriage she thought she had with you. You will likely see the different stages of that grief. Be praying for her heart. Rocky roads are ahead for awhile.
 
I suspect that there was a reason the "discussion" finally came up. Trust that the Lord is using this and that you are on the path of living more in truth than lies. It is a hard path but one worth taking if you are up to it. Praying you find the right balance of love and conviction about truth with her.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
Be patient, steadfast and loving towards her. She is most likely in a space of questioning everything the two of you have shared in your marriage while you just broke her heart. She is going to mourn the death of the marriage she thought she had with you. You will likely see the different stages of that grief. Be praying for her heart. Rocky roads are ahead for awhile.
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I agree that this is what it is like but it can be worked thru. My suggestion is stand on the truth of the Word while showing her love. She may have a lot of hurtful accusations that she brings against you, lean on God thru that. She won't see that she's wronging you and shaming everything you've done for her in the moment but if she decides to except the truth she'll see it later and be brokenhearted about how she acted towards you. Stand fast and try to be the best husband and leader of your household you can be. If she decides she wants to stay you then your relationship will automatically start moving closer to what it should biblically look like.
 
Mc_B said:
I have zero intentions of living this lifestyle if it means ruining my family and marriage.
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Though we know your heart behind this statement, I (as a first wife that has waded the waters of the pain she is feeling) highly recommend never telling her this statement. It is just as damaging as the statement made in error “to forsake all others.” It gives her the power to decide by emotions to never have to work through things. And it’s WAY easier to not have to work through these things.


frederick said:
Hold on to the truth of Scripture; be steadfast in the truth, and don't stop praying for her.
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This is important.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
Though we know your heart behind this statement, I (as a first wife that has waded the waters of the pain she is feeling) highly recommend never telling her this statement. It is just as damaging as the statement made in error “to forsake all others.” It gives her the power to decide by emotions to never have to work through things. And it’s WAY easier to not have to work through these things.
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I agree. It will give her a feeling of control over the situation and over you. She has to work thru the understanding that she is not in control and by God's rules for marriage shouldn't be.
 
Mc_B said:
The discussion finally came up, I definitely blew it as I'm awful with words and the timing likely wasn't the best. And now I'm terrified my wonderful wife may leave me. I have zero intentions of living this lifestyle if it means ruining my family and marriage. She thinks I only want to sleep with other women and that I don't think she's enough. My heart is so grieved, and I hate seeing her so hurt, please pray for reconciliation.
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Praying. My story would not encourage you but only enflame your fears. But, I do not regret walking through and overcoming those fears for it is the only way to grow.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
Though we know your heart behind this statement, I (as a first wife that has waded the waters of the pain she is feeling) highly recommend never telling her this statement. It is just as damaging as the statement made in error “to forsake all others.” It gives her the power to decide by emotions to never have to work through things. And it’s WAY easier to not have to work through these things.



This is important.
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Well I guess I've messed up even bigger than I thought 🙃 Nothing can change that now. I will be fasting and praying and reading the word, I thank everyone for their advice and prayers.
 
Mc_B said:
Well I guess I've messed up even bigger than I thought 🙃 Nothing can change that now. I will be fasting and praying and reading the word, I thank everyone for their advice and prayers.
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This is not about messing up. It's about making decisions, following through on those decisions, and being prepared to manage the ramifications of those choices. I'm sure you know you can't just cross your heart and hope to die as far as this is concerned. Just stay alert, and, if possible, think 2 or 3 or 4 moves ahead, because these kinds of life experiences are very much akin to a chess game. You purposefully put your king in a vulnerable spot, but that is a risk some make in order to take the focus away from how you plan to capture the other player's queen on the way to ultimate checkmate.

And then remember that Yah has your back no matter what the tribulations are.
 
Leslie Pease said:
She has to work thru the understanding that she is not in control and by God's rules for marriage shouldn't be.
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This is the heart of the battle you are now in. It's why there are the commands for wives to submit to their husbands. Wives are not in control of their husbands any more than the church is in control of Christ.

If you have made foolish promises or assurances to your wife (whatever they are) in response to her having some emotional melt-down, when it's appropriate to do so, admit your wrong to her while accepting full responsibility for what you have done wrong. Show her from the Bible where you have gone wrong and how your action violated a clear biblical command. Set a good example of dealing with your failures (there'll be more coz you are a sinner) so that she can see it is the authority of Scripture you are upholding. Make this a pattern for your life and an example to her so that she not only sees it but knows that it is God who determines what is sin and what is not; Rom. 3:20, by the law is the knowledge of sin.

Your wife will talk with friends and family and they will side with her and accuse you of all sorts of evil and sin. You have to stand on the authority of Scripture! By setting a good example of confession and repentance yourself, she will know that's what you expect from her and she will have to be able to show, through Scripture, exactly where any sin has occurred. She will discover for herself that God doesn't call polygyny a sin. With that personal knowledge, your wife will have to decide whether she will sin herself by leaving you or whether she will abide by God's Word and submit to you. God's Word is supreme; it's living, it's powerful, and it will accomplish His purpose in your life and hers.

Does all this work? It did in my case and I have two wives to prove it. Shalom
 
frederick said:
This is the heart of the battle you are now in. It's why there are the commands for wives to submit to their husbands. Wives are not in control of their husbands any more than the church is in control of Christ.

If you have made foolish promises or assurances to your wife (whatever they are) in response to her having some emotional melt-down, when it's appropriate to do so, admit your wrong to her while accepting full responsibility for what you have done wrong. Show her from the Bible where you have gone wrong and how your action violated a clear biblical command. Set a good example of dealing with your failures (there'll be more coz you are a sinner) so that she can see it is the authority of Scripture you are upholding. Make this a pattern for your life and an example to her so that she not only sees it but knows that it is God who determines what is sin and what is not; Rom. 3:20, by the law is the knowledge of sin.

Your wife will talk with friends and family and they will side with her and accuse you of all sorts of evil and sin. You have to stand on the authority of Scripture! By setting a good example of confession and repentance yourself, she will know that's what you expect from her and she will have to be able to show, through Scripture, exactly where any sin has occurred. She will discover for herself that God doesn't call polygyny a sin. With that personal knowledge, your wife will have to decide whether she will sin herself by leaving you or whether she will abide by God's Word and submit to you. God's Word is supreme; it's living, it's powerful, and it will accomplish His purpose in your life and hers.

Does all this work? It did in my case and I have two wives to prove it. Shalom
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It did in mine as well brother. Lean not on your own understanding.
 
Thank you all once again for your prayers! We reconciled SIGNIFICANTLY quicker than I expected, although it got worse before it got better. We discussed it more in depth and she accepts that it is biblical although she's not sure it's meant for this time period and wants nothing to do with it. I did follow the advice on not bringing it up myself, she poured out her heart and her questions about it herself. @PeteR 's video on objections to polygyny helped some, so I am thankful for that. I do and have believed (since I learned the truth about marriage) that it's not proper to pursue it if she doesn't want a part of it, because we were both unaware of the truth before we were married. I told her if God changes her heart on the matter then we can pursue it, otherwise I'll simply defend biblical truth when necessary but leave it at that. It's all in the Lord's hands now. God is good.

PS: I know there's disagreement about whether she should just submit to the idea whether we knew the truth beforehand or not but I see it as a failure in my own knowledge and leadership to not have been able to present it to her before we were married. I guess the approach would differ between different men and their leadership styles and whatnot.
 
Praise the Lord!
 
Mc_B said:
PS: I know there's disagreement about whether she should just submit to the idea whether we knew the truth beforehand . . . . I guess the approach would differ between different men and their leadership styles and whatnot.
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This may be understatement!
 
Mc_B said:
Thank you all once again for your prayers! We reconciled SIGNIFICANTLY quicker than I expected, although it got worse before it got better. We discussed it more in depth and she accepts that it is biblical although she's not sure it's meant for this time period and wants nothing to do with it. I did follow the advice on not bringing it up myself, she poured out her heart and her questions about it herself. @PeteR 's video on objections to polygyny helped some, so I am thankful for that. I do and have believed (since I learned the truth about marriage) that it's not proper to pursue it if she doesn't want a part of it, because we were both unaware of the truth before we were married. I told her if God changes her heart on the matter then we can pursue it, otherwise I'll simply defend biblical truth when necessary but leave it at that. It's all in the Lord's hands now. God is good.

PS: I know there's disagreement about whether she should just submit to the idea whether we knew the truth beforehand or not but I see it as a failure in my own knowledge and leadership to not have been able to present it to her before we were married. I guess the approach would differ between different men and their leadership styles and whatnot.
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Praise the Lord!! So glad you guys were able to reconcile. Coming from a first wife myself there is a ton of weight on women to appear or live "earthly" even in the Christian community. It's crazy how subtile the desire for a women to rule over her husband is even if she doesn't have that intention. My husband and I thought we had it "pretty good" until we learned about polygyny and realized we had so much more to weed through as husband and wife roles became more clear when dove into it.

It's funny, looking back my husband brought up a few times throughout our marriage that he didn't see anywhere in the Bible that polygyny was a sin like the church was teaching. At that time I would say "uh huh that's nice honey" and then we would move on. One day I noticed how amazing of a husband he is and I had this overwhelming desire to share him with another woman so she could be loved the way he loves me! After 6 years of him bringing that polygyny wasn't a sin in an informative way and a combination of my heart's desire for him to be blessed with another wife I asked him if it was possible, if polyny (or concubines at the time because that's what stood out to me the most in the Bible) was biblical or not, so we dove into the Bible even more. It wasn't even on his radar as practicing it when he brought it up the last 6 years. He was more asking "why does the church say it's a sin and the Bible doesn't?" And now here we are praying God will present someone.

Polygyny is not an easy course, but the more people I talk to and from my own experience it can open up so deep and difficult truths that have been hidden by the Church on what submission looks like and what the head of the household looks like. It's a hard journey but can result in beauty. It is really difficult adjustment for women who have only known monogamy, but at the same time it can expose lies that Jesus can heal to bring peace into the person and to the marriage. It's a marathon, not a sprint. I hope she joins one day just to chat with some other women here 😊 no pressure but simply to know she isn't alone with the "what is going on, what just happened" feeling.

I will continue to pray for you both!
 
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