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Prayer Needed For Marriage Decision

K

Kai T

Member
Male
I'm currently in the state of separating with my soon-to-be ex-wife and dealing with the pain of divorce.

Just to share some of my background with you: I'm an entrepreneur and have been one since my last full-time job 7 years ago. I got to know my wife at university whilst studying. We married in 2015. Throughout my relationship with my wife, I gave her my all and my best. No matter how difficult my financial situation was, I always tried to give her my very best by spending time with her, driving her to work every day, helping her with her own work (she worked for my mom's business) and etc. She became quite dependent on me.

The problem started actually before I married my wife; I married her because as we became too attached, I couldn't find time for my work. I had to travel a lot and that had eaten a lot of my time. Her mom would only allow her to live with me after marriage, therefore, as I also loved her, I obliged and married her. However, the situation did not improve.

I suffered a complete mental breakdown 2 months ago and I told my wife that it's either she accepts me having a second wife or we need to divorce because I couldn't bear living with her. I understand that God hates divorce and I absolutely agree that plural marriage is biblical. My wife, although being a Christian, is not able to accept plural marriage - I tried explaining to her with the articles on your site. After the breakdown, I met a girl who gave me comfort and care and we fell in love. However, this non-Christian girl also could not accept plural marriage. But I am not able to abandon this girl as well.

My wife does not want a divorce but she is not able to change who she is and be the woman that I need. I was suffering psychological damage every day being with her, dealing with her constant nagging & pressure for money(entrepreneurs don't have that much money), constant complaints from her for every life problem and lack of good work ethics, despite me pleading with her not to do so.

Even after separating for 2 months now, she has still been asking for money all the time even though she knew that my financial situation was not good. Although I still love her, I want this new girl to be my wife too as I promised her my love too.

I ask for your kind prayers and guidance, if any, that the decisions I make will be in accordance with God's will. And that I will not hurt those that I love.
 
Wow
Sorry to be so blunt, but your decisions have created an impossible situation for each one of you.
You need to drop the new girl, along with your demands that your wife accept polygyny.
It’s not about what you want.
It’s not about what you feel.
It’s not about what you are willing to do.
It’s about the commitment that you made to your first wife.

I pray that you will do the right thing.
 
I agree. You're in a mess. (We all get that way sometimes.) Might be a good idea to slow down. Find space for yourself. You have to make sure your ok before you can try and make others ok. You made one commitment, best to get things in order before making another. Love is a choice. Pushing your wife away is not going to solve anything.
 
I agree with Cap and Steve. As for the entrepreneur in you, sometimes it’s 4th and long and you have to punt. You’ll get another set of downs, you’re still young.

A lunch pail and a coffee thermos is an investment of under $50. As a business owner your cash layout can go from hundreds to thousands on any given job. One pays weekly the other pays upon completion. If a 40 hour work week will net you more money over a week, month or year, then the logical choice is right in front of you. However, if your desires and wants override your needs and obligations, then failure is yours for the taking.

As for the women, PM can never work if you don’t keep them. Plus, going emmediately from a divorce/separation into another relationship, does not give you time to reflect, pray and figure out what went wrong.
 
If my post sounded harsh, let me explain, been there, done that. I really don’t want you going thru the same heart ache I went thru. It took me years to get back to the person God intended me to be. Either way, it will be time to create or rebuild the life you’re seeking.
 
Hey man,

This is a great place you’ve come to!
A lot of good people here that truly love God!
Many wise men here willing to lend an ear and encouragement!

I pray you allow God to guide you through this turmoil.
 
This may come across harsh but it’s the truth.

1. Don’t divorce your wife. The only biblical justification for it is if she is committing fornication (which doesn’t seem to be the case unless there is more info that you haven’t shared). If you divorce her unjustly and marry another woman you will be committing adultery.
Matthew 19:9
[9] And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

2. Find a way of providing the basic needs even if it means giving up on the business and going back to a “normal” job or do some part time work while trying to get the business off the ground...

3. I assume you are a believer (although you didn’t state that clearly) you shouldn’t be getting involved with an unbelieving woman. You need to cut ties with her.

4. By your own admission you suffered a recent “mental breakdown” you are not anywhere close to being ready for an additional wife. So get that idea out of your head for the time being.
 
What these men have said.

Stay married.
Get a job, even if only for the near term.
Do not be unequally yoked with the second.
Work on your current marriage and yourself.
Patience.

If God wills PM in your life, He'll work it out, but not in the middle of a train wreck.

Blessings, and we do care and are here for you.
 
Ancient Paths said:
What these men have said.

Stay married.
Get a job, even if only for the near term.
Do not be unequally yoked with the second.
Work on your current marriage and yourself.
Patience.

If God wills PM in your life, He'll work it out, but not in the middle of a train wreck.

Blessings, and we do care and are here for you.
Click to expand...

This is real talk!
Seek peace and healing brother!
Step up and be the strong loving husband God designed you to be... the man He charges you to be towards the wife of your youth!
 
Kai T said:
I told my wife that it's either she accepts me having a second wife or we need to divorce because I couldn't bear living with her.
Click to expand...
Wow. First woman posting on here and I'm going to say that you've dug yourself quite a hole there.
Divorce is a nasty, messy business, and the vast majority of the time completely unbiblical. You have no right to send away your wife because she doesn't want you to have a second wife. You married her for life, not until you decided a few years down the track that you wanted another wife and she couldn't deal with it. Your job according to the bible is to love her and provide for her. Your actions show that you're not doing either of those two things.

What the men have said above is fantastic, I thoroughly agree.

Here's your short term goals:

1. Dump the girlfriend. I don't say that lightly, but trust me you are just going to end up in far more of a mess if you keep going with that, your situation can only get worse.

2. Get a regular job. You need to be providing for yourself (sounds like you've been living off your wife's income while you try and come up with some new creation, and you probably have a student loan to repay from college), and for your wife. If you can't provide for one wife then you have no business even thinking about having another, nor should your first wife in any way expect you to.

Long term goals:

1. Work on your relationship with your wife. This is HUGE and is going to take a very long time. Like I said above you've dug a nasty hole for yourself and you're going to have to prove yourself to her again. This is not an overnight thing. It's not having a full time job for a month and visiting her 3 times a week. This will take many months, maybe even years, depends on how forgiving she is.

2. Pay off debt and build up savings. Show yourself to be a decent provider for yourself and your wife. Get sorted with money.
 
I am an entrepreneur also, haven't had a full-time job for several years, and can sympathise a lot with your situation. I would generally agree with the advice everyone else has given, except that you haven't shared enough of your financial details for us to know how dire that situation is and what the solution needs to be.

1) Forget divorce, you committed to your wife and need to fix your marriage.

2) Get rid of the girlfriend. You're struggling with one wife, a second would be even more of a disaster. Fix what you've got first.

3) Sort out your finances. Now, it may be that your business venture is genuinely very close to becoming profitable and your wife just needs to be patient for a few more months, or things may be so dire that you should give up the entire thing and get a job. I have no idea. So, seek out an experienced business mentor. Not the expensive consultants who will charge you thousands for a meeting, but a sound experienced businessman in your local church or elsewhere, who is happy to have a few meetings with you where you share honestly what you're up to, the good and the bad. Ask them to advise you on (1) what is needed to make it profitable more rapidly, or (2) if you should stop this and do something different. Listen very carefully and take their advice seriously.

I'm a good inventor and a terrible businessman, sounds like you may be the same. So you need to find a good businessman to fill those gaps in your knowledge, and tell you what you can't see yourself. That's what I have done with my business, and it makes an enormous difference I can assure you.

And tell your wife you're doing this. Get her involved wherever applicable. She'll be thrilled that you're trying to fix things, and that will help you fix your relationship.
 
I'm with everyone else Kai. You can't divorce your wife. You couldn't even take this second woman as a wife since she's not a Believer. Put a hold on everything. Fix your income problem and then your marriage and tell this new girl good bye.
 
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