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Prayer request Praise -Wife accepting plural marriage

Daniel DeLuca

Daniel DeLuca

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
Hello Family!

I have a praise. My wife has come to accept plural marriage! It was exactly 3 years ago that I first told her about polygamy, and it was very hard for both of us to come to grips with this issue, with neither side willing to budge. She told me last night that she was praying that God would bring me "a beautiful, godly second wife"! It took me about 5 seconds to process it, but now we are going through the ups and downs and second thoughts, and the realization that if this works out, how we will make the arrangements needed, and how all of that will look.

My wife is not very social, and does not really want to join Ladies Chat night, but I told her that she has to come to a retreat. Sorry, but the Pennsylvania/Maryland location will not work for us. She gets sick on airplanes, but has been brave enough to travel over the Atlantic a few times, as she is from Romania, so she had no choice. I am very excited to be changing my profile to Actively Seeking. God knows the right woman for us, so anyway, I'm just so excited about this new chapter, and the chapters that will follow.
 
Wonderful! Now don't do it ;).

She's going to be up and down about this for a while. In a month she may decide it's something she can't do no matter what, then in another 2 months she's back in again. The fact is that it takes a woman a while to really truly be settled into the idea, and the length of time is different for each woman, but expect that it actually may take her a year or so.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Wonderful! Now don't do it ;).

She's going to be up and down about this for a while...but expect that it actually may take her a year or so.
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Maybe longer.

Then, wait to see what she thinks when you actually find someone and bring her home!

You need to lead at all times, but brother, you're just beginning.

PTL for this first step, though.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Wonderful! Now don't do it ;).

She's going to be up and down about this for a while. In a month she may decide it's something she can't do no matter what, then in another 2 months she's back in again. The fact is that it takes a woman a while to really truly be settled into the idea, and the length of time is different for each woman, but expect that it actually may take her a year or so.
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She may even find herself absolutely for it and against it at the same time. Emotions are a complex thing.
 
Great news, God is good.

And as @FollowingHim2 and @Mojo said, your best course of action is to take no action. A woman who has emotionally flipped to acceptance can just as easily emotionally flip back to rejection. You are not looking for a single statement of acceptance, or even an acceptance that has lasted a month. This is a very long process.

Look at the ongoing saga that @Sean Miller is going through (look through his list of posts) for an example of why this is important. His wife expressed acceptance, and he took another. Now, after a long story in the middle. she's run off to her home country with his kids. That's just one example, I could think of others, this is not unique. I just cite that as it is one that has played out while you've been on the forum so you'll be familiar with, and involves a wife with foreign citizenship so has similarities to your own situation. But it has played out in different ways in more than one family I can assure you. The point is that just because a woman has said she accepts the idea of you having a second wife, that does not mean it is a good idea to actually do that.

Now, this is where you get to be the leader. You have to make prudent, wise decisions about the way forward. Your wife has said she will support you if you take another wife, or if you don't - so it's now your decision. You can seek, or you can choose not to. It's entirely up to you - and the consequences of your decision will also be entirely your responsibility.

A prudent, sensible man would not start "actively seeking" another wife at this point.

What more patriarchal course is there than telling your wife "yes, I know you've told me I can take another wife, but I'm not going to do what you say because it's my decision, not yours, and you're an emotional woman. I am making an executive decision not to seek another wife at this point. I'll tell you when that changes, and it's not going to be in response to your emotions."
 
FollowingHim said:
Great news, God is good.

And as @FollowingHim2 and @Mojo said, your best course of action is to take no action. A woman who has emotionally flipped to acceptance can just as easily emotionally flip back to rejection. You are not looking for a single statement of acceptance, or even an acceptance that has lasted a month. This is a very long process.

Look at the ongoing saga that @Sean Miller is going through (look through his list of posts) for an example of why this is important. His wife expressed acceptance, and he took another. Now, after a long story in the middle. she's run off to her home country with his kids. That's just one example, I could think of others, this is not unique. I just cite that as it is one that has played out while you've been on the forum so you'll be familiar with, and involves a wife with foreign citizenship so has similarities to your own situation. But it has played out in different ways in more than one family I can assure you. The point is that just because a woman has said she accepts the idea of you having a second wife, that does not mean it is a good idea to actually do that.

Now, this is where you get to be the leader. You have to make prudent, wise decisions about the way forward. Your wife has said she will support you if you take another wife, or if you don't - so it's now your decision. You can seek, or you can choose not to. It's entirely up to you - and the consequences of your decision will also be entirely your responsibility.

A prudent, sensible man would not start "actively seeking" another wife at this point.
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Amen!
 
FollowingHim said:
What more patriarchal course is there than telling your wife "yes, I know you've told me I can take another wife, but I'm not going to do what you say because it's my decision, not yours, and you're an emotional woman. I am making an executive decision not to seek another wife at this point. I'll tell you when that changes, and it's not going to be in response to your emotions.
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I think that would be an excellent way to address the situation as it firmly establishes the framework for how this relationship is going to move forward. I would only add, "As the Lord wills" since finding a prospective PM partner seems to be a difficulty for many.
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
Hello Family!

I have a praise. My wife has come to accept plural marriage! It was exactly 3 years ago that I first told her about polygamy, and it was very hard for both of us to come to grips with this issue, with neither side willing to budge. She told me last night that she was praying that God would bring me "a beautiful, godly second wife"! It took me about 5 seconds to process it, but now we are going through the ups and downs and second thoughts, and the realization that if this works out, how we will make the arrangements needed, and how all of that will look.

My wife is not very social, and does not really want to join Ladies Chat night, but I told her that she has to come to a retreat. Sorry, but the Pennsylvania/Maryland location will not work for us. She gets sick on airplanes, but has been brave enough to travel over the Atlantic a few times, as she is from Romania, so she had no choice. I am very excited to be changing my profile to Actively Seeking. God knows the right woman for us, so anyway, I'm just so excited about this new chapter, and the chapters that will follow.
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Thanks be to God! Her more complete submission to you as her head makes me want to sing for joy! I hope to see the church submit more fully to Christ as well!

I'm so glad you shared!
 
FollowingHim said:
What more patriarchal course is there than telling your wife "yes, I know you've told me I can take another wife, but I'm not going to do what you say because it's my decision, not yours, and you're an emotional woman. I am making an executive decision not to seek another wife at this point. I'll tell you when that changes, and it's not going to be in response to your emotions."
Click to expand...

True. But that's the literal, logical masculine way of thinking about it (so it kind of comes off as tryhard). I'd be a little more subtle if I communicated that to a woman.
 
Dan, this is excellent news and I am so happy for you and your family.

The greatest and most immediate blessing is that it removes this as a point of contention between you. Now you can have peace in your home and you and your wife can continue to build trust and learn to work well together as a team, instead of pulling in different directions.

May the God of Heaven continue to bless you and your family richly.

Already looking forward to our next get together.
 
frederick said:
I think that would be an excellent way to address the situation as it firmly establishes the framework for how this relationship is going to move forward. I would only add, "As the Lord wills" since finding a prospective PM partner seems to be a difficulty for many.
Click to expand...
I think that is what it all boils down to. If God provides me with that wife tomorrow, and reveals to me that that is His choice, I have to go with that. If He doesn't, I must wait.
 
cnystrom said:
Dan, this is excellent news and I am so happy for you and your family.

The greatest and most immediate blessing is that it removes this as a point of contention between you. Now you can have peace in your home and you and your wife can continue to build trust and learn to work well together as a team, instead of pulling in different directions.

May the God of Heaven continue to bless you and your family richly.

Already looking forward to our next get together.
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Man! It is unbelieveable how much peace this has restored to our home! I am just in awe at how God has worked this out, in the most unusual fashion.

We always enjoy getting together with you! Thanks.
 
FollowingHim said:
Great news, God is good.

And as @FollowingHim2 and @Mojo said, your best course of action is to take no action. A woman who has emotionally flipped to acceptance can just as easily emotionally flip back to rejection. You are not looking for a single statement of acceptance, or even an acceptance that has lasted a month. This is a very long process.

Look at the ongoing saga that @Sean Miller is going through (look through his list of posts) for an example of why this is important. His wife expressed acceptance, and he took another. Now, after a long story in the middle. she's run off to her home country with his kids. That's just one example, I could think of others, this is not unique. I just cite that as it is one that has played out while you've been on the forum so you'll be familiar with, and involves a wife with foreign citizenship so has similarities to your own situation. But it has played out in different ways in more than one family I can assure you. The point is that just because a woman has said she accepts the idea of you having a second wife, that does not mean it is a good idea to actually do that.

Now, this is where you get to be the leader. You have to make prudent, wise decisions about the way forward. Your wife has said she will support you if you take another wife, or if you don't - so it's now your decision. You can seek, or you can choose not to. It's entirely up to you - and the consequences of your decision will also be entirely your responsibility.

A prudent, sensible man would not start "actively seeking" another wife at this point.

What more patriarchal course is there than telling your wife "yes, I know you've told me I can take another wife, but I'm not going to do what you say because it's my decision, not yours, and you're an emotional woman. I am making an executive decision not to seek another wife at this point. I'll tell you when that changes, and it's not going to be in response to your emotions."
Click to expand...
I read the @Sean Miller saga, and I grieve for how that turned out, especially since she seems to have turned her back on the Lord. Right now, I am just enjoying this chapter, and she seems to be enjoying it too, but yeah, there are a lot of emotions that play into it, and the enemy is definitely doing everything that he can to undermine this whole situation. I keep reminding her that Satan wants her to live in defeat, because he knows what a threat she/we can be to his kingdom.
 
Lymz said:
Wow, praise God! That is awesome to hear!

By the way, pacea Domnului să vă binecuvânteze în pasul nou.
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Wow! We always love to discover more people who know Romanian!
 
Daniel DeLuca said:
I read the @Sean Miller saga, and I grieve for how that turned out, especially since she seems to have turned her back on the Lord. Right now, I am just enjoying this chapter, and she seems to be enjoying it too, but yeah, there are a lot of emotions that play into it, and the enemy is definitely doing everything that he can to undermine this whole situation. I keep reminding her that Satan wants her to live in defeat, because he knows what a threat she/we can be to his kingdom.
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Thanks for the support and grieving with me. I know this will be vastly argued but since I've had 3 at one point in my home I think I've got some experience on the matter.

She may say she accepts and wants poly or she may say she doesn't, biblically you don't need her permission in any way, however if she says she supports it only 1 of 2 things will result no matter what you do, she stays loyal and commited, is able to see the good not the bad that she dislikes about it, or she gets consumed by her hurt of not being only yours and eventually leaves. Other reasons may be the excuse she gives for leaving but it is and only is due to her hurt and unforgiving your choice. If she doesn't accept it, you as a man will not be able to just give up on how God designed you, your desire and hurt of her lack of acceptance and submission will has tension in the marriage. Now that she knows you want more than one that will linger in her head, even if you don't talk about it, eventually she will leave you even if you don't take another wife, she now knows and feels not enough or simply betrayed due to the modern feminist culture....

This is the ugly truth, be the best husband possible, put God 1st not her, remember she is to reverence her husband not the other way around (reverence definition includes worship). God doesn't go making his decisions based on what we want and don't want, or like. Husbands are not biblically expected to either,be loving and compassionate but not submisive. No matter what happens with the choice you make the results will be the same, the difference is only the time of when it will happen.

My wife's choice is her own, not my choice and not because I didn't work on investing into the marriage, her hurt and unforgivness was the driving factor among her loss of faith in Christ. When a wife is this focused on her self and her emotions its only a matter of time before she walks out, despite what you do or don't do in regards to poly, years living poly in mine and friends lives proves this to be true.

Disregard typos, sending this on a broken
 
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