Practicing on someone you are not really interested in

[Daniel DeLuca]

You fellows know how hard it can be to interact with an attractive woman. Have you ever found yourself practicing on someone other than your wife, whom you are not really interested in, so that when the moment comes where you have an opportunity to interact with a woman whom you are attracted to, you won't be so jittery? I know I did this all the time when I was unmarried, but I suppose it could be off-putting to some people, if you win a woman over, whom you really have no interest in adding to your family. I suppose it would be helpful, if it was the wife who reached out to the woman of interest, but some wives are not very outgoing, and that can be a lot of pressure to put on her shoulders.

 

[paterfamilias]

Never had a problem talking to woman and doing the sort of interaction that might lead to more so I have not found myself in a position to practice.

I am more interested in the second part of the post, wives reaching out to women about polygamy.

My wife used to participate far more in the process and would reach out to women and engage with ones that were interested in us. She unfortunately has been just as emotionally bruised by the nature of the search as I have if not more. Just so many woman who were disingenuous, game players, fantasists etc. She is still very open to a sisterwife or wives, she is far more reserved about being an active part of the search until it is clear that a woman is genuine in her interest enough to wish to learn about the family rather than just me. When they don't want to jump right in to learning about the family, that speaks volumes to me and likely other men here.

I certainly think that the woman doing the initial contact is a winning strategy. I know a family that is four wives, some to be five and has a potential visiting now. I say I know a family...I know one of the wives, the one who is out there looking for potential wives and sisters.

 

[steve]

if you win a woman over, whom you really have no interest in adding to your family. I suppose it would be helpful, if it was the wife who reached out to the woman of interest,

I’m confused, is this a catch-and-release program?

 

[Edward]

Have you ever found yourself practicing on someone other than your wife, whom you are not really interested in,

NO!! Why in the world would you want to get someone's hopes up and then crush them, for no reason? It is one thing if you were truly interested in a woman joining your family, but then finding out the dynamics weren't right, so let's just be friends. Don't ghost her, she might ghost you, but keep the line of communication open. Sure you might not communicate nearly as much as you once did, which could be perceived as ghosting. I have a lady friend in KC, who I have considered adding to the family and have made those wishes known to her, but due to certain dynamics it hasn't happened yet and right now we are just friends. I don't remotely communicate with her like we once did, and we don't consider that we are ghosting each other. As a matter of fact, approximately 2 or 3 weeks ago, she paid us a surprise visit and spent the weekend with us. And we hadn't spoken/communicated in maybe a month or so prior to that.

I suppose it could be off-putting to some people, if you win a woman over, whom you really have no interest in adding to your family.

I agree with what @steve said "is this a catch-and-release program?" Like I said above, why in the world would you want to get someone's hopes up and crush them for no reason? I mean that is like a guy who goes to the nightclub to get laid and get another notch on his belt or a guy who befriends a woman in the workplace just to get into her pants and then dumps her because, as you put it, "whom you really have no interest in adding to your family." it's just wrong.

 

[FollowingHim]

Have you ever found yourself practicing on someone other than your wife, whom you are not really interested in, so that when the moment comes where you have an opportunity to interact with a woman whom you are attracted to, you won't be so jittery?

No, because I have far more important things to do with my time than try and become an expert in persuading women to marry me. The right one probably won't need much persuading anyway.

 

[MemeFan]

Why would be flirting be bad? You can make somebody day.

And there are events where meeting new people is expecting. Conferences, networking events, bars. No problem meeting somebody just for day/night.

Another issue is communication gets regular. Then you have to manage expectations.

 

[NBTX11]

No. I will not play with someone's emotions. If I am not interested, I will politely say so and move on.

My wife has been involved and even initiated contact before. That is very important. This is affecting her too. She may see red flags you don't.

Now if you're strictly friends with the woman and she is clear that she knows that, then it might be OK to talk to her in a friendly way. Just be clear where you stand and that you're not interested. Don't lead her on.

Also, never ghost a woman. Always be upfront about where things stand, in a polite way, of course.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

NO!! Why in the world would you want to get someone's hopes up and then crush them, for no reason?

There is a reason.

It is one thing if you were truly interested in a woman joining your family, but then finding out the dynamics weren't right, so let's just be friends. Don't ghost her,

I didn't say anything about ghosting.

she might ghost you, but keep the line of communication open.

Oh they are definitely open!

Sure you might not communicate nearly as much as you once did, which could be perceived as ghosting. I have a lady friend in KC, who I have considered adding to the family and have made those wishes known to her, but due to certain dynamics it hasn't happened yet and right now we are just friends.

Best of luck in that area! Who knows? Perhaps that friendship might blossom into something more.

I don't remotely communicate with her like we once did, and we don't consider that we are ghosting each other. As a matter of fact, approximately 2 or 3 weeks ago, she paid us a surprise visit and spent the weekend with us. And we hadn't spoken/communicated in maybe a month or so prior to that.

Sounds like there is definitely interest on her part! Sounds like there are issues with her that have raised concern for you though. It is no different with the young lady that I am referring to, but she is part of our Bible study group that meets at the church on Sunday mornings. I don't want to go into too much detail though.

I agree with what @steve said "is this a catch-and-release program?"

Well for one thing, oddly enough, the young lady has said that she already has a boyfriend. That doesn't mean that she hasn't expressed interest, in a nonverbal sort of way.

Like I said above, why in the world would you want to get someone's hopes up and crush them for no reason? I mean that is like a guy who goes to the nightclub to get laid and get another notch on his belt or a guy who befriends a woman in the workplace just to get into her pants and then dumps her because, as you put it, "whom you really have no interest in adding to your family." it's just wrong.

If she were a virgin, and he defiled her, biblically speaking, he is obligated to marry her. I have no interest in getting a notch in my belt. I just don't want to goof up with someone who could possibly be the right woman, and mess things up horribly, which I have the propensity to do from time to time.

 

[Edward]

There is a reason.

Yeah, I know there is a reason, YOU told us...

Have you ever found yourself practicing on someone other than your wife, whom you are not really interested in,

YOU want to PRACTICE on a woman who isn't your wife. That is like a man who goes to the RED LIGHT district to get a woman to PRACTICE on who isn't his wife.

Come on BE A MAN!!! STOP toying with the women. I am going to share something with you that happened just the other day, my friend Curtis called me and told me about a young lady (I won't go into details) and asked me if it was okay to give her my info and he had already been communicating with her about me/us, I told him sure go ahead and give her my info. I prayed about it and gave her a call two days later. I share all this to say I was nervous and a little tongue-tied, NO PRACTICING.

Well for one thing, oddly enough, the young lady has said that she already has a boyfriend. That doesn't mean that she hasn't expressed interest, in a nonverbal sort of way.

I am going to do my best to not go to POSTAL on you here. I could be overreacting, I don't know. I am sure the brothers here will inform me if I am.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! You are PRACTICING on a young lady who has INFORMED YOU, "she already has a boyfriend" and then you point out the OPPOSITE of what you said, "That doesn't mean that she hasn't expressed interest, in a nonverbal sort of way." And the opposite is she's being flirtatious with you, while she has a boyfriend, that is a major red flag to me. I mean if she is willing to cheat on her boyfriend "in a nonverbal way", she will definitely cheat on you. I mean if that is the case you might as well practice with another man's wife. You have literally told me here you are NOT a man of character. A man of character would not be practicing on another man's GIRLFRIEND. A man of character would immediately end the chatting/practicing as soon as he found out she was in a relationship, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with her, but you definitely shouldn't be talking to any woman in a romantic way, who is in a relationship whether it be boyfriend or wife. Because it is just WRONG, and in my opinion, it is something you need to REPENT!! of.

I just don't want to goof up with someone who could possibly be the right woman, and mess things up horribly, which I have the propensity to do from time to time.

If it is YaHWeH's will, our tongue-tied, goof ups won't matter, He will bring it all together in HIS time. And you never know our little goofs might just be the thing that wins her over I know this is easier said than done, but when it comes to polygyny we all need to pray and ponder our words before we speak.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! You are PRACTICING on a young lady who has INFORMED YOU, "she already has a boyfriend" and then you point out the OPPOSITE of what you said, "That doesn't mean that she hasn't expressed interest, in a nonverbal sort of way."

Well, this boyfriend, isn't exactly serious, says he wants to go to church, but could be a bad influence on her. I said I don't want to get into all the details, but I learned some of this just recently, after some of the flirtatious looks. There may have been casual interest, but that is no longer the case.

And the opposite is she's being flirtatious with you, while she has a boyfriend, that is a major red flag to me. I mean if she is willing to cheat on her boyfriend "in a nonverbal way", she will definitely cheat on you. I mean if that is the case you might as well practice with another man's wife. You have literally told me here you are NOT a man of character. A man of character would not be practicing on another man's GIRLFRIEND. A man of character would immediately end the chatting/practicing as soon as he found out she was in a relationship, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with her, but you definitely shouldn't be talking to any woman in a romantic way, who is in a relationship whether it be boyfriend or wife.

I think you have jumped to unwarranted conclusions here. I NEVER claimed to have ANY romantic conversations with her!

Because it is just WRONG, and in my opinion, it is something you need to REPENT!! of.

Well we all have opinions. I guess I wanted to know if anyone else had tried this. Like I said, I used to try all the time before I met my wife, and at the time, I thought poly was wrong. You might not be able to relate, but there have been women I wanted, and I messed up horribly in one way or another. It was a by-product of being home-schooled. I LOVE home school, but it really left me awkward in social settings. In school, a fellow would be well aware when a young lady's boyfriend dumped her, and he could swoop in. That never worked for me.

If it is YaHWeH's will, our tongue-tied, goof ups won't matter, He will bring it all together in HIS time. And you never know our little goofs might just be the thing that wins her over I know this is easier said than done, but when it comes to polygyny we all need to pray and ponder our words before we speak.

It is odd how I seem to not be so nervous around this other lady who I am really interested in, but that is another story.

 

[FollowingHim]

It is odd how I seem to not be so nervous around this other lady who I am really interested in, but that is another story.

That's not odd at all. It's normal. And it's why I said "practice" was unnecesary.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

That's not odd at all. It's normal. And it's why I said "practice" was unnecesary.

It hasn't been normal for me in the past, so that is why I have found it odd. I wouldn't mind if I mumbled and stumbled a bit though. Perhaps that's why I am not so nervous, is that I have come to realize it's not a bad thing if I do get a bit nervous.

 

[FollowingHim]

Oh, it's odd, because it's not the case with most women. Most women you don't naturally click with, and that's normal too.

 

[MrB]

I think you are in risk of being perceived as or becoming a player

“A player man is a man who uses and abuses the kindness of other women to serve his emotional and sexual needs. He does this by sweet-talking women into believing he’s a reliable one in a million kind of guy when he knows that he can’t and won’t commit to women at any cost.”

a fools errand if ever there was one
and you are the one setting yourself up.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

I think you are in risk of being perceived as or becoming a player

“A player man is a man who uses and abuses the kindness of other women to serve his emotional and sexual needs. He does this by sweet-talking women into believing he’s a reliable one in a million kind of guy when he knows that he can’t and won’t commit to women at any cost.”

a fools errand if ever there was one
and you are the one setting yourself up.

I just don't want to leave the impression with the father of a certain lady, that I want ot have 50 wives.

 

[Keith Martin]

I’m confused, is this a catch-and-release program?

I was first tempted to laugh at this response, Zen Trucker, but once again you have very pithily struck at the heart of the matter.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting you, but I'm going to join with what I think you're getting at by saying that, no, this is not a legitimate strategy.

@Daniel DeLuca, as other men have cautioned, save your practice for women you're legitimately interested in. If it's unpersuasive, you can lick your wounds by acknowledging that at least it was practice, but these are real human beings we're talking about. By approaching a woman to discuss the possibility of entering into a polygynous situation within the context of living in a society that considers it shameful, you as a man are essentially labeling the woman as at least perhaps being a leftover woman whom no man would want to wife up in monogamy. Then, if you're just practicing on her, you risk not only breaking her heart but chopping at her self-esteem while sending her back out into the cold to more deeply contemplate her loneliness -- and at the same time you get to retreat to the passionate arms of the wife you already have.

As far as the 'flirtacious looks' go, remember these two things:

1. Young women these days have been rewarded for engaging in scattershot provocative self-advertising, confident that they can fall back on #MeToo innocence if someone other than their perceived Prince Charmings reacts to the flirtation; and
2. As men, we've always been prone to over-interpreting female flirtation (i.e., wishful thinking).

Remember past experiences you've already had of getting involuntary laser surgery to the heart and ego -- and proceed with tremendous caution.

 

[FollowingHim]

As men, we've always been prone to over-interpreting female flirtation (i.e., wishful thinking).

Just because you should read that a few times. I suspect it is highly relevant.

As men, we've always been prone to over-interpreting female flirtation (i.e., wishful thinking).

As men, we've always been prone to over-interpreting female flirtation (i.e., wishful thinking).

 

[FollowingHim]

Also:

I just don't want to leave the impression with the father of a certain lady, that I want ot have 50 wives.

Then don't flirt with women. It's pretty simple. What you are suggesting doing is the very thing that will make people think you're a creep.

 

[FollowingHim]

Also, look at this from the woman's perspective:
You are proposing encouraging a woman who is already taken (has a boyfriend) to flirt with other men. You are in other words proposing teaching a woman to cheat, or at least desensitising her to the idea. This too is completely wrong and could turn out very harmful to both her and her future husband.

Just stop all of this @Daniel DeLuca. I strongly believe you are over-focussed on acquiring another wife, and by the sound of it trying to do this through your own logic and effort is only going to get you in trouble. The fact that you are so concerned about your inability to talk rightly with women that you think you need practice suggests there is an even stronger chance you'll stuff up and get yourself into trouble through something you say or do that is perceived by others as inappropriate. You don't need to run this risk. Hand this over to God, and if you're supposed to have another wife He can drop her in your lap and make it obvious. Until then, I'm sure you've got more important things to put time and effort into that have far less risk of destroying your life.

 

[Edward]

Well, this boyfriend, isn't exactly serious, says he wants to go to church, but could be a bad influence on her.

You might as well go after a woman who has an unbelieving husband who after all HE, "could be a bad influence on her."

As much as this is WRONG, one could do things in such a way that would help encourage this verse. I Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

And say I am FREE to remarry.

I NEVER claimed to have ANY romantic conversations with her!

Ok, I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I am definitely NOT dullest knife in the drawer either. One might even say I'm 12 cans shy of a 6 pack. But, I'm not the one who said...

Have you ever found yourself practicing on someone other than your wife,

Practicing with a woman to be a second wife has some kind of ROMANTIC ACTION.

if you win a woman over, whom you really have no interest in adding to your family.

Then she OBVIOUSLY felt and or heard something ROMANTIC!! If you WON her over. HELLO!!!