Practical Questions on Polygyny

[Just-a-man]

With my whole view of marriage being turned on its head in the last year, I've come to the conclusion that not only do I desire to take another wife, but it's also NOT sinful to even ask the Lord for such a gift. One thing I've quickly noticed since finding this site is that the worst thing a person could do is to rush/force this lifestyle. So, this post is not about making this happen now but rather seeking practical advice on aspects I've thought about since accepting polygyny as biblical. Plus, my wife hasn't come around to the idea of poly as a biblical concept so we still have a long way to go if the Lord is going to bring this about.


Reading testimonies and words of caution on these forums have led me to realize this will be one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing that I/my family will ever do. With that being said, I'd be grateful for any of y’all that would share wisdom/life experience on the following topics. Some may seem dumb or obvious but please bear with me J.

1. When the time came to take another wife, how was that brought up to your family/friends?
   • One of the things I foresee as extremely difficult will be for my wife to tell her family if I do take another wife someday. They are very close.
2. As a man and the head of my family, how do I get past the nagging suspicion of all the “men’s conferences” and “marriage sermon series” that will present the same tired old arguments that I’ve heard before and now see as unbiblical? I know I still need wise counsel and godly role models but I want to be able to trust that my pastor, group leader, etc. will present the Word in an accurate and socially unbiased manner.
3. If friends and/or family find out you’re accepting of polygyny before your wife (or even husband) is on board, how do you stop the tide of counsel to them that will come in an almost “interventionist” manner?
   • When I initially told my wife about this new outlook and desire for another wife, she reached out to a trusted out-of-state friend, my stepsister, for a listening ear. What she got was the response that my desire was evil and I needed to repent, etc.. We are visiting them at the end of the year so I’m fully expecting some sort of “intervention” when we see them and when my wife visits with her alone. I have told my her she is free to talk about this with anyone, though I hope it will be me or some ladies on this site. My concern is that others my try to “pit her against me” out of love without respecting my headship or looking at the Word themselves.
4. What to do about a church home if/when they reject you for having multiple wives?
   • What about when you can’t find a body that accepts this as biblical?
5. Would it be prudent to move my family to a brand new place far away from immediate family/friends in order to take an additional wife without all the social pressure from loved ones?
   • Simply asking because I’m basically 100% sure that none of our friends or family would accept this at all.

With all these questions, if it’s better for me to post them individually to prevent this thread from becoming too busy then I’m more than happy to do so. Looking forward to y’all’s responses!

 

[PeteR]

Welcome to the Refiner's crucible... lol!

Re: 2.... you've taken the red pill. Expect other Scriptural truth to begin to be revealed. .. the journey is interesting and challenging, but oh so rewarding.

Re: 4... I see some form of home fellowship in your future. The world will hate you, but truth is worth any price.

Re: 5.... you can run, but you can't hide. Stand up and be a man... let the Father 'expose you' as He prepares you for each step, I.e., don't look for opportunity to 'share' this new found explosive. The enemy will try to use it to hamstring you... Abba will use it to sift and refine you.

Guard and protect your wife, love her madly through the emotional rollercoaster and hang on for dear life!

 

[The Revolting Man]

With my whole view of marriage being turned on its head in the last year, I've come to the conclusion that not only do I desire to take another wife, but it's also NOT sinful to even ask the Lord for such a gift. One thing I've quickly noticed since finding this site is that the worst thing a person could do is to rush/force this lifestyle. So, this post is not about making this happen now but rather seeking practical advice on aspects I've thought about since accepting polygyny as biblical. Plus, my wife hasn't come around to the idea of poly as a biblical concept so we still have a long way to go if the Lord is going to bring this about.


Reading testimonies and words of caution on these forums have led me to realize this will be one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing that I/my family will ever do. With that being said, I'd be grateful for any of y’all that would share wisdom/life experience on the following topics. Some may seem dumb or obvious but please bear with me J.

1. When the time came to take another wife, how was that brought up to your family/friends?
   • One of the things I foresee as extremely difficult will be for my wife to tell her family if I do take another wife someday. They are very close.
2. As a man and the head of my family, how do I get past the nagging suspicion of all the “men’s conferences” and “marriage sermon series” that will present the same tired old arguments that I’ve heard before and now see as unbiblical? I know I still need wise counsel and godly role models but I want to be able to trust that my pastor, group leader, etc. will present the Word in an accurate and socially unbiased manner.
3. If friends and/or family find out you’re accepting of polygyny before your wife (or even husband) is on board, how do you stop the tide of counsel to them that will come in an almost “interventionist” manner?
   • When I initially told my wife about this new outlook and desire for another wife, she reached out to a trusted out-of-state friend, my stepsister, for a listening ear. What she got was the response that my desire was evil and I needed to repent, etc.. We are visiting them at the end of the year so I’m fully expecting some sort of “intervention” when we see them and when my wife visits with her alone. I have told my her she is free to talk about this with anyone, though I hope it will be me or some ladies on this site. My concern is that others my try to “pit her against me” out of love without respecting my headship or looking at the Word themselves.
4. What to do about a church home if/when they reject you for having multiple wives?
   • What about when you can’t find a body that accepts this as biblical?
5. Would it be prudent to move my family to a brand new place far away from immediate family/friends in order to take an additional wife without all the social pressure from loved ones?
   • Simply asking because I’m basically 100% sure that none of our friends or family would accept this at all.

With all these questions, if it’s better for me to post them individually to prevent this thread from becoming too busy then I’m more than happy to do so. Looking forward to y’all’s responses!

From the point of view of a long term observer but never a practitioner:
1. You have a very long wait ahead of you. Go ahead and start bringing it up now as natural opportunities arise. If you spring it on them with the introduction to the new woman they will instantly think this is a momentary attempt to justify your affair. Plus you don't want to be having all of these theological debates while you're trying to cement a new marriage. Lay the groundwork now as the opportunities arise.

2. You can not trust your pastor or group. You can't even trust us. If you need to trust someone about this then stop and go back through it again until you are confident in your heart that it is truth. Do not trust your family to any other man or group. They can never be trusted with such a terrible burden.

3. You can not stop it. Be ready for it. People will purposefully go around you to try and "rescue" your wife. She HAS to be on board or this is going to kill the whole project. I can't count how many men who have been through here could verify this bit of advice.

4. You don't and most likely will never have a church home. The best you can hope for is that you will be able to slide in somewhere that no one notices you. But if they do the Estrogen Mafia will make sure you are dealt with. Just accept it. It's the cost of doing business. You will cycle through churches.

5. There is no problem you face where you are at that you won't face where you go to. The difference being that you will be adding the stress of a move and the loss of whatever support structure survived the coming out. This advice is highly dependent on a lot of variables though.

 

[rockfox]

the Estrogen Mafia will make sure you are dealt with

Double like for the on-the-nose humor.

 

[rockfox]

So this really is a Red Pill. What you didn't previously realize is that all those churches, pastors and men's conferences were wrong on a whole host of things and generally gave terrible advice. You just didn't have the eyes to see yet.

If friends and/or family find out you’re accepting of polygyny before your wife (or even husband) is on board, how do you stop the tide of counsel to them that will come in an almost “interventionist” manner?

The only reason they're likely to find out is if this become the dead horse you just have to beat or you're pressuring your wife. Don't be in a rush. This...

my wife hasn't come around to the idea of poly as a biblical concept

is the thing you need to worry about. And you won't solve it by hammering on her about polygamy. Doing so is mostly counter-productive.

What you need to work on is strengthening yourself spiritually, becoming the true spiritual leader of your home, and becoming the best husband/father/leader you can. Do that and you'll be able to weather the storms to come when poly does become an issue. Fail to do that, and it won't matter how right you are about the sinlessness of poly when TSHTF.

In other words, don't go adding floors to your house when you don't have a firm foundation to begin with.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

From the point of view of a long term observer but never a practitioner:
1. You have a very long wait ahead of you. Go ahead and start bringing it up now as natural opportunities arise. If you spring it on them with the introduction to the new woman they will instantly think this is a momentary attempt to justify your affair. Plus you don't want to be having all of these theological debates while you're trying to cement a new marriage. Lay the groundwork now as the opportunities arise.

2. You can not trust your pastor or group. You can't even trust us. If you need to trust someone about this then stop and go back through it again until you are confident in your heart that it is truth. Do not trust your family to any other man or group. They can never be trusted with such a terrible burden.

3. You can not stop it. Be ready for it. People will purposefully go around you to try and "rescue" your wife. She HAS to be on board or this is going to kill the whole project. I can't count how many men who have been through here could verify this bit of advice.

4. You don't and most likely will never have a church home. The best you can hope for is that you will be able to slide in somewhere that no one notices you. But if they do the Estrogen Mafia will make sure you are dealt with. Just accept it. It's the cost of doing business. You will cycle through churches.

5. There is no problem you face where you are at that you won't face where you go to. The difference being that you will be adding the stress of a move and the loss of whatever support structure survived the coming out. This advice is highly dependent on a lot of variables though.

A cazillion likes on this. Read and reread this until you thoroughly understand these points! Mount it, frame it, copy it where you’ll see it often! Even if you never succeed in adding additional wives, just the fact that you believe this truth will subject you to varying degrees of “intervention”.

The only thing I’d add to these comments, is that you must allow your wife access to your study on it and conclusions and how you arrived at these conclusions. This needs to be at least mostly completed before the well meaning interventionist attack. Most likely, she will have to wrestle with her own conclusions and process, but when its approached from the truth of the principle or theory, it is much easier to digest that first, alone, than to try to digest as theory and application simultaneously. As @ZecAustin mentioned in point #1, this is also how you bring it up to those around you organically. In theory, as an exercise in distinguishing truth rather than trying to justify your initiated application of truth. I personally stumbled into this approach, but have seen that it worked out much better than those I’ve seen wait until they’re ready to have a ceremony.

 

[Keith Martin]

@Just-a-man, great advice already shared. And the only thing I'll add is also contained in between the lines of several pieces of that advice: (a) know what you know and be willing to share what you know when others inquire about it, but don't make disseminating what you know your crusade; and (b) focus the bulk of your efforts on being 100% responsible for everything that happens in your household. Any time you don't like something that's happening, remind yourself that, if you're ever going to be the head of a plural family, you have to start by being the head of a single family, and that entails recognizing that anything you don't like in your family is your responsibility. Stop blaming, and start taking responsibility for everything. It's infectious.

 

[Just-a-man]

(b) focus the bulk of your efforts on being 100% responsible for everything that happens in your household. Any time you don't like something that's happening, remind yourself that, if you're ever going to be the head of a plural family, you have to start by being the head of a single family, and that entails recognizing that anything you don't like in your family is your responsibility. Stop blaming, and start taking responsibility for everything. It's infectious.

This is the main thing overall that's been hitting me between the eyes. I love how my heart is being changed more to this end but am still flabbergasted how it's taken so long to see that I've been on a different and less biblical road. It's exciting to start and I can't wait to see what He makes out of me. Point is, I'm the head of this family. I will give an account to God someday concerning my family. No other man, pastor or earthly authority is responsible for my family nor do they get to set the standard for us either. By the Word of God, I'm responsible for what beliefs and patterns come into this home. I'm responsible for the flourishing of all in my home.

It's amazing how heavy, yet wonderful this burden is. It also astounds me how that's trying to be taken away or dumbed down even by teachings in the church.

 

[Jim an Apostle]

The main thing is the main thing!

That is, the rock solid relationship between you and your wife then the rock solid relationship between you and a second wife should that ever become an option.
Our culture is steeped in opposition to Maleness and Husband authority and that is the hardest to overcome. You have to be a King and NOT a dictator. the problem is they often look the same from another's perspective. the King acts for the good of the Kingdom the dictator acts selfishly. Your allegiance must be to Your King. Her allegiance must be to God, and in that, accepting that God has also made you Her King as well. The Idea, that if the man is following God, for the woman to follow the man is following God, is strange in our world pushing for equality. Her allegiance to you must be greater than to any other earthly authority, with rare exceptions ( i.e. in some cases, her persuasion that you are In rebellion to God ).

Your and Her allegiance to follow this path will have to be stronger than friends, family, culture. Until your headship of her is established, with Her, the temptation to follow others will be great.

If the proper Kingdom relation ship can be established and maintained with one woman, that is a remarkable thing in our culture. If you can find two women who will walk the Kingdom walk . . .

I have two wives at present the challenges are great. the reward is great. It may not happen as you plan or function as you would like esp. at first. Do not get locked in to a particular scenario. Remember everyone still has free-will even if they freely surrender it to you.

Two things Andrew always says:

If you want another wife become a better husband.
A wife is a Helpmeet, be ready to engage in something that will require you to have more help.

 

[Just-a-man]

A cazillion likes on this. Read and reread this until you thoroughly understand these points! Mount it, frame it, copy it where you’ll see it often! Even if you never succeed in adding additional wives, just the fact that you believe this truth will subject you to varying degrees of “intervention”.

The only thing I’d add to these comments, is that you must allow your wife access to your study on it and conclusions and how you arrived at these conclusions. This needs to be at least mostly completed before the well meaning interventionist attack. Most likely, she will have to wrestle with her own conclusions and process, but when its approached from the truth of the principle or theory, it is much easier to digest that first, alone, than to try to digest as theory and application simultaneously. As @ZecAustin mentioned in point #1, this is also how you bring it up to those around you organically. In theory, as an exercise in distinguishing truth rather than trying to justify your initiated application of truth. I personally stumbled into this approach, but have seen that it worked out much better than those I’ve seen wait until they’re ready to have a ceremony.

This is most definitely one of her fears that I have spoken to already - that I'm accepting of adding another wife because I'm already attempting to do so. I can see how much more distasteful (to say the least) it would make my acceptance/support of polygyny if I were to present a new wife rather than taking the opportunity to discuss with loved ones beforehand as opportunities arose.

You make an excellent point with theory vs. application. I have presented her with my own notes from searching the scriptures on the topic of marriage as well as the research from the main Biblical Families site. Though I originally invited her to study these at her own pace/in her own time, there will come a point where we sit down to simply discuss theory of biblical marriage before we take our trip.

 

[Keith Martin]

An additional thought on top of headship and being patient: while in the end you will be the one who decides whether to marry another wife and who decides who that wife will be, I highly recommend working toward a time during which your 1st wife will be 100% in partnership with you in your search for your 2nd wife. I'm more focused on finding someone who will be good for my current wife than I am on finding someone who will be good for me.

 

[Just-a-man]

From the point of view of a long term observer but never a practitioner:
1. You have a very long wait ahead of you. Go ahead and start bringing it up now as natural opportunities arise. If you spring it on them with the introduction to the new woman they will instantly think this is a momentary attempt to justify your affair. Plus you don't want to be having all of these theological debates while you're trying to cement a new marriage. Lay the groundwork now as the opportunities arise.

2. You can not trust your pastor or group. You can't even trust us. If you need to trust someone about this then stop and go back through it again until you are confident in your heart that it is truth. Do not trust your family to any other man or group. They can never be trusted with such a terrible burden.

3. You can not stop it. Be ready for it. People will purposefully go around you to try and "rescue" your wife. She HAS to be on board or this is going to kill the whole project. I can't count how many men who have been through here could verify this bit of advice.

4. You don't and most likely will never have a church home. The best you can hope for is that you will be able to slide in somewhere that no one notices you. But if they do the Estrogen Mafia will make sure you are dealt with. Just accept it. It's the cost of doing business. You will cycle through churches.

5. There is no problem you face where you are at that you won't face where you go to. The difference being that you will be adding the stress of a move and the loss of whatever support structure survived the coming out. This advice is highly dependent on a lot of variables though.

Thank you @ZecAustin. There's a lot of good stuff to mull over here. Allow me some time to noodle on this and I'd like to respond when there's more time and it's not my turn for watching the little one.

 

[Just-a-man]

From the point of view of a long term observer but never a practitioner:
1. You have a very long wait ahead of you. Go ahead and start bringing it up now as natural opportunities arise. If you spring it on them with the introduction to the new woman they will instantly think this is a momentary attempt to justify your affair. Plus you don't want to be having all of these theological debates while you're trying to cement a new marriage. Lay the groundwork now as the opportunities arise.

2. You can not trust your pastor or group. You can't even trust us. If you need to trust someone about this then stop and go back through it again until you are confident in your heart that it is truth. Do not trust your family to any other man or group. They can never be trusted with such a terrible burden.

3. You can not stop it. Be ready for it. People will purposefully go around you to try and "rescue" your wife. She HAS to be on board or this is going to kill the whole project. I can't count how many men who have been through here could verify this bit of advice.

4. You don't and most likely will never have a church home. The best you can hope for is that you will be able to slide in somewhere that no one notices you. But if they do the Estrogen Mafia will make sure you are dealt with. Just accept it. It's the cost of doing business. You will cycle through churches.

5. There is no problem you face where you are at that you won't face where you go to. The difference being that you will be adding the stress of a move and the loss of whatever support structure survived the coming out. This advice is highly dependent on a lot of variables though.

1/2 - To me, this directly blends with point #2. Thinking through all different types of situations with everyone where the topic of marriage will come up, I keep coming to conclusion that I have no choice but to "go back through it again until you are confident in your heart that it is truth." In short, I'm fully convinced of this truth. The once ever-so-tight grip of pleasing man (including fellow brothers/sisters) without examining the Word for myself is quickly losing power. It's liberating. How could I move forward with such a mindset, let alone applying it, without being fully convinced in my own heart? Talk about building on the sand. I could never lead my family well if I was waiting for the approval of others for every step made. There is so much work to do to prepare the way for such a big life change that never occurred to me before. Well, it certainly doesn't help that I was recently given this revelation about a year ago . Matter of fact, my wife and I just discussed this yesterday as well - I had the opportunity to speak to her fear that the only reason we were talking polygyny is that I had "another woman already lined up, ready and waiting." There was an encouraging shift in her demeanor as the day moved on afterwards.

3 - I'm deliberating on how best to go about these preparations without overwhelming her. It's a sobering reality, but it makes sense that it's inevitable. Ask me before a year ago and I would've been on the same boat - calling out anyone with multiple wives and even approaching if possible him with the "one flesh" arguments that I thought I understood. At least I know when the first "encounter" of this nature is coming. Hopefully, it will be the first to give us more time to pray, read, talk and get ready.

4 - Major points for Estrogen Mafia! But seriously, this will also be a hard pill to swallow for my wife especially since I'm currently mulling through this myself. We recently left our church home of 2 years over some other concerns that we brought to the leadership but haven't finalized our next "church home" yet. Praying for wisdom on how best to handle this situation. In a sense, it does make things somewhat easier since we aren't a plural family yet. But still....

5 - This is one of those things you say, or in this case post, that you immediately go, "Oh, that doesn't make any logical sense at all. What a silly idea!" You're exactly right - if transitioning to a plural family isn't hard enough, why go and add a move on top of that and take away everything/everyone that we know?

 

[Just-a-man]

The world will hate you, but truth is worth any price.

So true. What I hate is that I ever cared what the culture (world/church) ever thought of me in the first place. I hate my passivity in never pursuing the truth of marriage for myself BEFORE or even AFTER I first got married. God's Word is true, always will be and that's ALL to which I can cling. Bring on the hate!

 

[Just-a-man]

So this really is a Red Pill. What you didn't previously realize is that all those churches, pastors and men's conferences were wrong on a whole host of things and generally gave terrible advice. You just didn't have the eyes to see yet.

Makes me want to scream the truth I've been given!! I've been cheated by others and even myself in being ignorant and blindly trusting what I was told.

What you need to work on is strengthening yourself spiritually, becoming the true spiritual leader of your home, and becoming the best husband/father/leader you can. Do that and you'll be able to weather the storms to come when poly does become an issue. Fail to do that, and it won't matter how right you are about the sinlessness of poly when TSHTF.

In other words, don't go adding floors to your house when you don't have a firm foundation to begin with.

It dawned on me the other day that as the head of my household, as the head of my wife, the easiest way for anyone/the Enemy to get to her and my family is to get me out of the way. If I can be taken out by being deceived or silenced into passivity....I cringe to thing what would happen to them. It wasn't an accident that God made husbands as the head and ruler of the house. I have a duty, an obligation, to lead them and protect those put under my house and my name. This duty stands whether I pursue it or not.

 

[Keith Martin]

We recently left our church home of 2 years over some other concerns that we brought to the leadership but haven't finalized our next "church home" yet. Praying for wisdom on how best to handle this situation.

Many in this community have discovered that the Church is one of the last places one should go for Biblical truth. More than one of our members has suggested that learning about Biblical polygamy can often be the gateway drug for discovering a whole host of Scriptural truths the organized church not only won't ever present to us but will deny when presented to them.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Makes me want to scream the truth I've been given!! I've been cheated by others and even myself in being ignorant and blindly trusting what I was told.





It dawned on me the other day that as the head of my household, as the head of my wife, the easiest way for anyone/the Enemy to get to her and my family is to get me out of the way. If I can be taken out by being deceived or silenced into passivity....I cringe to thing what would happen to them. It wasn't an accident that God made husbands as the head and ruler of the house. I have a duty, an obligation, to lead them and protect those put under my house and my name. This duty stands whether I pursue it or not.

I just wanted to address the bold phrase and add that it is both possible and even probable, that you can take yourself out of the way by making rash decisions, particularly in regards to those you may be considering adding to your family, or the methods or rationale you use to try to pursue this lifestyle.

You must guard her trust in you as her head and leader of the family. Obviously, there is much more to achieving this than just a simple warning. This is one of the reasons why we encourage people to take it slooooooooooooooooooow! And then take it easy.

One of the benefits I’ve seen in our lives from this truth, is that eventually, a good wife, with a good man who is even half way stable and intelligent, will become a veritable force to be reckoned with as a helpmeet and support for her man against any and all comers.

 

[Just-a-man]

I just wanted to address the bold phrase and add that it is both possible and even probable, that you can take yourself out of the way by making rash decisions, particularly in regards to those you may be considering adding to your family, or the methods or rationale you use to try to pursue this lifestyle.

You must guard her trust in you as her head and leader of the family. Obviously, there is much more to achieving this than just a simple warning. This is one of the reasons why we encourage people to take it slooooooooooooooooooow! And then take it easy.

One of the benefits I’ve seen in our lives from this truth, is that eventually, a good wife, with a good man who is even half way stable and intelligent, will become a veritable force to be reckoned with as a helpmeet and support for her man against any and all comers.

This was a result of some of the emotions encountered when I initially began making this heart transition. Whether here or elsewhere, I'm sure others have expressed this as well, but per your caution, this can't be the decision maker for anything going forward. That is one thing I failed to mention - I'm a good "worst enemy" of myself. Thank you for the reminder.

My current plan of action for the foreseeable future - loving the Word and loving my wife as we work through this together. Even when we get to the point where we see eye to eye on marriage, I honestly have no idea what will come next. There seems to be no choice but to wait and live life normally, barring this new understanding.

 

[Keith Martin]

There seems to be no choice but to wait and live life normally, barring this new understanding.

@Verifyveritas76's advice is spot on, @Just-a-man. Slow and steady. Cherish the helpmeet you already have.

Don't 'bar' your new understanding, but even more surely do not let your new understanding trump what is already good in your life.

 

[Phillip]

A word of caution, as you proclaim the truths you’ve learned (and other truths that pop up from your new insight into the scriptures), it will be like the deacon that told the visiting teacher at his church to go home. The teacher said, ‘I can back up everything I said in the Bible.’ The deacon said, ‘I don’t care what the Bible says, if it ain’t Baptist, it won’t be taught here!’

People will talk to you with their own biases and prejudices. After the retreat, I shared with someone I’ve known since birth. His words were harsh and it would have been kinder to stick a knife in me. I told him, if he could prove to me that polygyny was a sin as he proposed, I would repent. No scripture was used, only that I disgusted him.

I was reminded of Jesus being taken to authorities prior to the cross. Be silent, take your beating cause there is no scripture, no laws, no persuasive words that will open a man up to truth if if he is more led by culture rather than the Bible.