Practical advice from an Islamic perspective

[FollowingHim]

I am very hesitant to link to an Islamic website, as I would not wish to lead anybody astray. I would not link to a Christian site that I considered to hold dangerous theology, as I would not wish for anybody to be subtly led astray. However I think that Islam is so noticeably different that any Christian reader will go there expecting to not accept any of their theology, so this should be relatively safe.

This link goes to a list of good articles written from an Islamic perspective, offering advice for both women and men in polygamy. I obviously don't agree with everything there, and have not read every single article. However the ones that I have read offer good practical advice, obviously speaking from experience.

In the West we have only a short history of polygamy, with few examples to draw on. Others overseas have a lot more experience, and in terms of practical day-to-day advice (like "how do I cope emotionally when my husband has taken another wife") they may be well worth referring to. So read this with caution, but you may find something valuable here. Wherever an article says to turn to Islam for strength etc, substitute Christianity.
http://oumabdulaziz.arabblogs.com/poly5.html

Note that the articles for women appear in general more relevant than the articles for men. The issues women deal with are more emotional, which is the same whatever religion you are. The issues facing a man that are dealt with here are more philosophical and religious, so some of the articles are specifically about Islamic teachings on marriage, which are irrelevant to us - but some are good.

One particularly good article for women is "The Choice". http://oumabdulaziz.arabblogs.com/polythoughts2.htm.

As one of your Sisters who is in a polygynous marriage, I wanted to share a thought with you. It is about the choice we make. Doing well in polygyny involves a personal choice. Those who choose to make it work, usually can. Now I know, quite a few of you out there are going to respond, "But I didn't choose to be in polygyny! My husband made that choice for me." Whether that is the case or not, let me repeat what I just wrote because I believe that it is very true: Your polygynous marriage is not going to work unless you make the choice that you are going to work it out.

One interesting article for men is "Secret Marriages", strongly condemning the practice. http://bigfaith.wordpress.com/2007/02/15/secret-marriages/

So if you are of the opinion that you have a right to marry a second wife, then, by God, stand up for that right and be honest (read: grown up) about it! If you’re too weak to deal with your wife’s reaction you are MOST DEFINITELY too weak to deal with a polygynous situation. And if you marry a second wife and lie to either of the women about the circumstances and then your life falls apart, consider yourself properly compensated.

And some blunt advice for a man looking at polygyny for the wrong reasons: http://islamqa.com/en/ref/85239

Q: I have been married for a year and a half, but I do not find in my wife anything to keep me chaste, because she is not beautiful and I regretted marrying her, which made me think about taking another wife, although my wife loves me and is good. ...
A: Your real problem is what you mentioned about looking at women, even if that is with the aim of marriage, as you say. Whoever looks at women spoils his religious commitment and weakens his faith, and he no longer appreciates his wife and he spends all his time thinking another woman. This, of course, puts him off his wife even more and makes him think more of a second marriage, which he thinks is the way out. ... Go back to your wife and think about some of her attractive features and her good qualities, and you will find a lot of goodness.

 

[cnystrom]

Thank you for posting this. I do think it is wise to consider the life experiences of others even though we do not have a shared faith. Mormons and Islamists do have more experience in this area.