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Plural too soon or not at all

W

welltan

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In commenting elsewhere on the forum, I had some thoughts that did not necessarily fit to anywhere in particular.

This, may not even apply always, but from what I have seen, one of the most problematic things to plural is someone that joins a home to cure something. God's joining should be the only reason, and God joins two together as a blessing. Whatever problems there are, they belong to the great physician and counselor, our Lord, not just a husband. No one should consider themselves competent to handle any and all problems. God wants to fix us and then let us be a blessing to others.

As a specific topic; if a lady has been injured in the past, there is an interesting attraction that a plural home can bring. Monogamous can be fearful to the injured and have valid reasons for fear. It seems safer being around other women. This is an unresolved conflict that a husband should not not be expected to solve. God wants to solve it and everyone should wait or avoid until God has authority in the issue.

There are situations when non one is ready for a relationship.
 
I would think your concerns would apply to ANY woman seeking marriage, not just second wives. First wives could be victims of abuse too! First wives could also have entered into marriage to provide themselves with security and protection. Taking a second wife should never be an act of charity, no sane woman wants that!

In the thread i started i raised the issue of men being extremely picky when it comes to selecting a second wife but there is another issue that i have noticed over the years, that is the attitude that women who would be willing to join an established family are some how defective.

I certainly have no problems being someones first wife (*waves to the single guys out there*)but i don't have a desperate NEED for it, perhaps thats a position i should leave vacant for a woman who does need the security of being very first. I wouldn't refuse a single man but i have no preference either way, some women do.

There are some common traits amongst women willing to join an established family...
- A strong desire to be part of a large family.
- A strong desire to have a close sister.
- A strong desire to be supportive and helpful, a resource rather than being a deficit.
- We enjoy sharing and giving. (Every gift needs a recipient!)
- Capable of forming strong loving bonds without biological ties. (Not everyone is able to do that!)

Second wives are not "factory seconds" or any type of inferior product. Even if they have experienced bad things in their lives it doesn't mean that this is what motivates them towards plural marriage.

If any man really thinks along these lines then i would hope he would do us girls a favor and stay monogamous!
 
Reasons without God are not reasons. There are many reasons why plural is beneficial and many others not. Without God, there is no Christian home. Everyone should stay focused on God in all inter-personal relationships. Patriarchal Godly men should insist that everyone should show they follow God (as it is a Christian home) or given the freedom to reconsider the relationship and leave or never join. It is not harsh to prod and insist on the influence of God in everyone in the home. This should be done early as a filter to prevent a relationship from even starting that might end up something based in psychobabble and dependency.
 
One area that I am totally incompetent to judge in is compatibility. I know very well adjusted women who were horribly abused as children. I know vicious insecure women who were raised in loving families and were denied little. One of the most successful marriages among my graduating class is one that no one believed could work. And the prom queen and the team captain married, both born into affluance, and both are now living separately in alcoholic squalor. Go figure.

Both my wives brought considerable baggage into the marriage. I, of course, had none. *cough!* *cough!*. Yet we all seemed destined for each other, and my life today is almost perfect in spite of that baggage. One common thing in our relationship that might possibly have made it successful, is that we were in no haste to marry, and spent a rather lengthy courtship. No major problems arose in that courtship, and no major problems has arisen in the marriage.
 
Good points. And my points as I said do not apply in every situation. God can do anything for anyone. I think that men who believe in plural should be cautious however and there is very little information on things to avoid before starting. Even if everyone is stable, Godly, and capable, and agree, it does not mean that God is joining them together. God may reveal to one or both that they make for great friends but no more.
 
Another thing to remember is that every female friend is not an automatic prospect. They may be supposed to be just friends.
 
I just don't understand why you might think this advice does not apply to first marriages or any marriage just as much as it would apply to a plural one.
 
I would agree that baggage is not good. Monogamous has its complexities and poly relationships keep most of the mono problems and add another layer of difficulties. The more stable and less baggage the less additional difficulty. There is a difference in mono or plural interaction. And a woman that wants a husband for good reasons without God and a lady that wants a husband for good reasons with God are different. Men should not entertain the idea of taking the place of God in any woman’s life. Therefore when you meet a potential, it would seem important what God has been doing in their life, (before you ever met ) how Christ on the Cross by his blood had taken the burdens away. Hearing of what they have been praying to God about would seem very important. Knowing this potential prayerful person would be praying for family, etc. is very comforting. If a man truly wants the best, he will point to God. And if they are both hearing from God, they will know they are joined. This is what I mean by "too soon or not at all". Giving it up to God ahead of time.
 
Interesting topic/thread that I don't think has been fully developed.

Blessings,
 
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