Please help me understand

[OhMyStars]

Sometimes it hard to title what I have on my mind, and what I’m trying to say or ask for, so if this is placed incorrectly, please feel free to move it or let me know where to put it.
But I am seeking advice and understanding from both husbands and wives. Specifically, understanding cause I don’t know what to think.

So hubby and I had a decent conversation yesterday and discussed somethings, I’m trying to build our relationship back, and we are trying to get back to where we can communicate with each other again. When the topic of how things are going with him and SW, she has been with us for a few years now, and how things between them are going well, I was encouraging them, but was trying to explain how I’m feeling ‘deprived’ and like things aren’t as ‘equal’ as I’m thinking they should be. (Quotations because there might be better words)
He asked how long we’d been together...he knows, but was asking to make sure I remembered...I answered, and he said -we’ve had all that time together and I’ve shown you lots of attention and love during that time, but now it’s time for me and her to build. So stop looking at the present and be thankful for the past. I haven’t told you to get out, or that I’m done with you, I still love you and want you here, and I do show you ‘attention’, but her and my relationship is new, and we are building ours(hers and his).-this isn’t verbatim, I’m paraphrasing because I’ve slept since then and I don’t remember exactly, but in a nutshell...
Needless to say, all I heard was, be thankful for the good years we had, but since she’s new I have to give her my all. You’ve had yours now it’s her turn. So I’m sitting here feeling utterly replaced, dejected, unwanted, unloved, and like I’m the old grey mare, who ain’t what she used to be, but is hung on to cause she’s always been there and is reliable...but this new filly is fun and exciting, so this is the new toy, the one who gets all the carrots, all the attention and love, etc.
Now I get that men’s brains work differently then women’s, and that as women we are VERY emotional beings, we feel, whereas men are visual, but this to me feels like 100% replacement, and his way of tell him me he’s done with me, without the words actually being said. And maybe I am reading into this,...he says I do that all the time, but when actions speak louder then words...! He even told me to stop being jealous of her...I’m not jealous of SW, I’m hurt emotionally and feel physical pain when I see what he’s doing! I truly want them to have a wonderful relationship, that is my hearts desire, but at what cost to me and my relationship with hubby? I’ve always understood in the Bible it says not to put away the first wife, but it feels like I’m ‘put away’. But am I understanding that scripture incorrectly? Now there are other reasons for him to be ‘stepping back’ as he said, but I am working on correcting those reasons...but this is different and was like a hit below the belt. So please help me to find understanding, and correct me if I am truly reading into this. I want to be a good wife, and SW...and not to be ‘jealous’ or anything, but to be supportive and encouraging!
Thanks in advance

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

First off, I am sorry you are feeling the feelings you are. I am a first and only wife, currently, therefore I am not completely in your shoes.. however, I’ve had similar conversations with my husband as different relationships have developed or even due to the hypothetical sisterwife. Feelings like that still pop up even if there isn’t another person in the picture.

Sometimes, it’s important to look back at the relationship you had with your husband the first few years of marriage. You needed that time to develop and learn each other too. I know for my husband, I can read when he is down, happy or what things bring him joy or pleasure. That wasn’t something I knew very well in the first few years. Even to this day, 11 years later, I’m still learning new things. It’s easy to focus on what “you are lacking” in your relationship now that a sisterwife is there.. but that is not beneficial. Instead, focus on your relationship with him, how you can bless him, how you can respect him and don’t forget to flirt with your husband. As years pass by, life gets in the way and we, first wives, forget to still bring youthfulness and spice back into the relationship and are left comparing what we view as a “lack of attention,” but also have forgotten the way we use to give our men undivided attention those early years, too. I encourage you to make the effort to love on him with no strings attached. Just remember those early days and how you would swoon over him for just being him

Focus on the words he said,

I still love you and want you here

 

[Gary Slaughenhaupt]

I have no experience but biblically he should not be reducing the physical intimacies with you.

 

[Pacman]

Is he on the Forum? Would be helpful to discuss with him as well...

 

[Pacman]

Now there are other reasons for him to be ‘stepping back’ as he said, but I am working on correcting those reasons...

This seems significant. I'm thinking more detail about this might be helpful.

 

[Pacman]

I’ve always understood in the Bible it says not to put away the first wife, but it feels like I’m ‘put away’. But am I understanding that scripture incorrectly?

What you described is not "put away"
This is an example of put away :

2 Samuel 20:3 NASB
Then David came to his house at Jerusalem, and the king took the ten women, the concubines whom he had left to keep the house, and placed them under guard and provided them with sustenance, but did not go in to them. So they were shut up until the day of their death, living as widows.

 

[Keith Martin]

Thank you for sharing this with us, @OhMyStars. I'm honored by that.

What @WifeOfHisYouth wrote was beautiful and expressed some things that, as a man, I couldn't have articulated so eloquently -- nor would it have been anywhere near as appropriate for me to state them, anyway. I thought, though, that what she said about focusing on the years when not only were the two of you in the midst of the joys of infatuation and getting to know each other but you were likely also more attentive to him back then as well was pure gold. The reason why that may end up being the most valuable guidance you receive about this is because, in the end, as individual human beings we have very little power to change other human beings. For the most part, almost all transformation that occurs among us is self-driven. Therefore, your greatest power is in changing yourself -- in this case, @WifeOfHisYouth is brilliantly suggesting that what you consider changing about yourself is your perspective, which, of course, has the potential to change your behavior or your interpretation of what is happening around you, and any of those can tremendously change your ongoing experience of life with your husband.

I'm going to add something, though, to build on what @Gary Slaughenhaupt wrote: it isn't just a matter of physical intimacies. Those are crucial, and they further demand being treated as more of a priority than the time they take up, but God didn't just exhort us men to make sure we provide due benevolence to our wives when we have more than one. @WifeOfHisYouth has wisely chosen her username here; it is imperative that a patriarchal polygynist husband ensure that the wife of his youth not only receive a commensurate amount of love, attention and affection from him but should also permanently occupy a very special place in his existence because, for her, he is the husband of her youth.

@Pacman also makes great points, and he is correct about 2 Samuel 20:3 addressing a blatant example of women being put away, but we also have to remember that, just as with most human behaviors, a continuum exists with degrees of being put away. You certainly haven't been put away like those concubines, and, yes, it would be excellent to include your husband in this conversation, but to the extent that you are seeing this situation clearly, it would at least appear that something is amiss.

My heart breaks any time I see first wives neglected or treated as if they're just the old mismatched sock that ends up at the back of the drawer, useful at one time when it was part of a pair. Scripture does indicate that the newly-married should be supported in having an initial special time of bonding during which another spouse is exhorted to patiently wait for relationship renewal as the husband adjusts to the combination of having not only multiple wives but one who is, as you mentioned, the shiny new object. However, no matter how one labels it, that honeymoon period is not appropriately intended to go on indefinitely. I'm still with @WifeOfHisYouth when it comes to placing your focus on what you can do within yourself and your own power, while continuing to acknowledge your husband as your head, but it won't hurt for you to acknowledge within yourself that, from his end, your husband may be suffering from some self-delusion in regard to how much time he should be granted to neglect you in favor of building up the relationship with your sister wife -- as long as you do not mistakenly conclude that recognizing a weakness in your husband justifies attempting to undermine his position in the family, disparaging him behind his back or subverting the relationship between him and your sister wife.

In the absence of your husband being inspired to seek our fellowship, we are significantly limited in our responses and reactions by the fact that we only have your perspective.

Keep your focus on what you have the power to change, and along those lines be creative about becoming the inspiration for your husband to become powerless to resist your need for increased communion.

 

[PeteR]

@OhMyStars a thought that occurs to me is 'love languages.' Different people 'feel' love differently and sometimes over long periods of time we can forget how our spouse feels love, or they can forget how we feel love...

Basic human psychology feels love one of five ways: physical touch (hugs/sex), quality time, acts of service (helping with or doing things for the object of the love), words of affirmation (for a man, telling how much you appreciate, etc), or gifts.

What is his primary and secondary love language? Did you at one point meet those? Has that changed? Can you focus in those areas?

What are your primary and secondary? Did he meet those before? Has that changed? How can you gently communicate the single thing that would most make you feel loved?

Make it your ministry/ mission to make him feel loved by you, even uf he is not reciprocating at this time.. win his heart toward you... not in competition with SW, but to be the best woman toward him that you can be.

 

[FollowingHim]

@OhMyStars, almost four years ago you posted this:

Is it normal, in the beginning stages of a new sisterwife relationship, for the husband to spend 90% of his time, energy, and attention on the 'new' wife? And not give the 'old' wife any special time?
I ask, because of all my browsing through here, I've seen the main theme is for it to be equal, and 'fair' between wives, regardless of how new, or old the relationships maybe.
Possibly I'm being selfish, but when he spends all his nights but maybe 1 with her, or hugs and kisses her just randomly, and when I want it, it's one-armed, or seems half-hearted, and if she doesn't feel good it's ok for her to rest on the couch, or sleep in, but I have to bust my butt to keep the house in shape, even after working a full shift, or get up with him to see him off to work, make his lunches, clean up after dinners regardless of who cooked....I'm starting to feel more like a live in maid, housecleaner, caretaker then a wife, or lover!
Maybe I'm goin off my feelings rather then facts here, but it seems very one-sided to me, and that it's not leaning my way one little bit. I'm not asking for the moon, just to be able to feel like I'm important, and special, and wanted and desired too. Is that too much to ask?! If so tell me how to make this work!!! I'm trying here, but I'm feeling like a failure, and that I'm days from having to find a new place to live. We have 9 years together....I'm not about to let that go and be lost!!!
I wasn't about all this in the beginning but it's grown on me, and I'm wanting to make this work, and be apart of this....I just feel like he doesn't love me like he did, and that I'm being replaced.

At that time, in that initial "honeymoon" phase of a marriage, some form of differential treatment of the wives is only natural and to be expected. That's how humans work.

However, it is now at least four years down the track. The honeymoon is over, quite literally. Things should have balanced out by this stage.

From your perspective though, this is probably still excellent advice:

Instead, focus on your relationship with him, how you can bless him, how you can respect him and don’t forget to flirt with your husband. As years pass by, life gets in the way and we, first wives, forget to still bring youthfulness and spice back into the relationship and are left comparing what we view as a “lack of attention,” but also have forgotten the way we use to give our men undivided attention those early years, too. I encourage you to make the effort to love on him with no strings attached. Just remember those early days and how you would swoon over him for just being him

When did you last try to seduce him? Do you genuinely try to relate to him in that way?

I think it would help if you clarified what you mean by feeling put away. Are you at a stage where he never sleeps with you at all and gives 100% of his intimate attention to the second wife? Or does he still give both of you loving attention, but you feel that he is unfair and gives her more attention than he gives you? Those are two very different situations and it's hard to tell which you are in.

 

[OhMyStars]

@FollowingHim - I had forgotten about that post, and that was actually a completely different relationship. Not long after I penned that, I found out I was pregnant, and then she left. But a lot of the similarities remain within this new relationship.

As for trying to seduce him, I’ve dropped hints, made suggestions, blatantly asked outright, and I always get told, ask later, or not feeling well, or something else.


“I think it would help if you clarified what you mean by feeling put away. Are you at a stage where he never sleeps with you at all and gives 100% of his intimate attention to the second wife?” This! He claims he still shows me attention, but the most I get is a kiss as he walks out the door in the morning, a kiss before he goes to bed, and sometimes I’ll get a kiss when he gets home, but when we are watching movies, tv, and snuggling, it’s them snuggled up together, holding hands, etc, and most lately his dog is snuggled up on my side between him and I so I can’t get close. I’m at the point of just letting him have what he wants and stepping back myself.


@WifeOfHisYouth-thanks for your words, they gave me something to consider.


@Pacman-he is not on the site. I’ve asked him before if he’s be interested in joining and he said no. As for the ‘other reasons’ I’m going to keep those private. Thank you.


@Keith Martin-my perspective would be the only one you’d get as he would say I’m reading into this and it’s not happening how I’m portraying things to be. However to me, actions speak significantly louder then words. And actions are what I’m reacting to.


@PeteR-our love languages are completely different...and we have discussed those...but he refuses to give me what I need in those areas. I’m constantly giving...very seldom does it yet reciprocated. I’ve been trying to win him by that, it’s not working. So I’m done.


Thank you all for your words. I appreciate everything y’all have said and will take things to heart.

 

[FollowingHim]

“I think it would help if you clarified what you mean by feeling put away. Are you at a stage where he never sleeps with you at all and gives 100% of his intimate attention to the second wife?” This! He claims he still shows me attention, but the most I get is a kiss

Is your husband a Christian? If it is as you describe, he is directly disobeying God's instructions through Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, and Moses in Exodus 21:10.

that was actually a completely different relationship

And he has demonstrated a pattern of this behaviour. It is not just a short-term mistake he is making right now but a deeper pattern in his mind that he needs to recognise and correct.

 

[OhMyStars]

Is your husband a Christian? If it is as you describe, he is directly disobeying God's instructions through Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, and Moses in Exodus 21:10.



And he has demonstrated a pattern of this behaviour. It is not just a short-term mistake he is making right now but a deeper pattern in his mind that he needs to recognise and correct.

He is a Christian, however his walk could be better, stronger...and I have brought this up before...it fell on deaf ears, obviously. And when I make mention I’m feeling like he’s doing this as ‘punishment’ for my ‘shortcomings’ as a wife, he says no he’s not punishing me. :/

The last part you mentioned is what I’ve been feeling/sensing for a long time. However, I can’t bring this to his attention, he won’t listen or comes up with ‘reasons’. I’ve been trying to encourage marital counseling, but he’s hesitant to do that, claiming he needs to do solo counseling first...I think it’s another deflection. But I do agree he would benefit from solo counseling. I’m currently doing this myself.

 

[FollowingHim]

This is a difficult situation for you, because there isn't really an obvious human who can tell him these things.

You won't find a regular marriage counsellor who would be able to hear his perspective clearly, as they will be blinded by the polygamy aspect - they'll tell him "stop committing adultery", which is wrong as it's not what he's doing, and he'll ignore that for right reasons and you'll never go back. So I can understand his resistance to marriage counselling, it's likely pointless unless you can seek counselling with somebody who accepts polygamy. He will fear that they'd simply tell you, your sisterwife, or both of you to leave him.

Solo counselling is also possibly unhelpful for different reasons. He will only be telling them his perspective, and having self-reinforcing conversations with them about things he is comfortable discussing. Without you there to raise the real concerns you have, those concerns might never even be mentioned, let alone addressed. Marriage counselling is really what you need.

There may be people at this ministry who could counsel you in a helpful and understanding fashion, depending on where you happen to live and who you would be near. If your husband's primary objection to marriage counselling is that they'll be monogamy focussed, and he'd be willing to pursue counselling with somebody who will accept your family as you are, let us know and we can see what we can do.

Even if he is not willing to listen to you, you may be able to draw his attention to the scriptures I have raised, and he may listen to God speaking through those.

Ultimately the Holy Spirit needs to convict him, and the primary thing you can do is to pray. Pray, but also consider practical things you can suggest or do as discussed above.

 

[OhMyStars]

This is a difficult situation for you, because there isn't really an obvious human who can tell him these things.

You won't find a regular marriage counsellor who would be able to hear his perspective clearly, as they will be blinded by the polygamy aspect - they'll tell him "stop committing adultery", which is wrong as it's not what he's doing, and he'll ignore that for right reasons and you'll never go back. So I can understand his resistance to marriage counselling, it's likely pointless unless you can seek counselling with somebody who accepts polygamy. He will fear that they'd simply tell you, your sisterwife, or both of you to leave him.

Solo counselling is also possibly unhelpful for different reasons. He will only be telling them his perspective, and having self-reinforcing conversations with them about things he is comfortable discussing. Without you there to raise the real concerns you have, those concerns might never even be mentioned, let alone addressed. Marriage counselling is really what you need.

There may be people at this ministry who could counsel you in a helpful and understanding fashion, depending on where you happen to live and who you would be near. If your husband's primary objection to marriage counselling is that they'll be monogamy focussed, and he'd be willing to pursue counselling with somebody who will accept your family as you are, let us know and we can see what we can do.

Even if he is not willing to listen to you, you may be able to draw his attention to the scriptures I have raised, and he may listen to God speaking through those.

Ultimately the Holy Spirit needs to convict him, and the primary thing you can do is to pray. Pray, but also consider practical things you can suggest or do as discussed above.

As you said, counseling is difficult due to mostly monogamous driven view points. I’m thankful the counselor I have is open to different relationships and supportive of how I live. She has also given me names of those who are supporting of our lifestyle who would be able to counsel us together and as a family, when the time is right. That was what took ME so long to find someone. A lot of his desire for solo counseling is to work on things from his past, childhood, time in the military, past relationships that have been traumatic to him, and to help him grow as a better husband, father, person in general.

I agree solo counseling can be counterproductive for our relationship, but I’m hoping that it will help him desire to work on our relationship together in counseling.

 

[Pacman]

Now there are other reasons for him to be ‘stepping back’ as he said, but I am working on correcting those reasons...

As for the ‘other reasons’ I’m going to keep those private. Thank you.

Whatever these reasons are the passages that @FollowingHim mentioned do apply. I'm not attempting to justify your masters handling of it, but you won't explain the reasons and I won't pressure you to do so. You need to do some personal evaluation. Are you scripturally submitted to him? (1 Peter 2:18 - 3:6 please go and read that portion and consider what it says.) What is it that you need to correct in your own actions towards him? I cannot Council him unless he is willing. And I won't engage in judging his actions without all the facts. I can however speak to you and you need to become the absolute best woman that you can be. Don't focus on his perceived shortcomings focus on making yourself a scriptural woman.

 

[rockfox]

his way of tell him me he’s done with me, without the words actually being said. And maybe I am reading into this,

Men communicate through the literal not the subtext. He said he's not done with you so he's not. Take him at his word.

So I’m sitting here feeling utterly replaced, dejected, unwanted, unloved, and like I’m the old grey mare, who ain’t what she used to be, but is hung on to cause she’s always been there and is reliable...but this new filly is fun and exciting, so this is the new toy, the one who gets all the carrots, all the attention and love, etc.

This is a common feeling among first wives. Ironically at the same time the new wife is very often feeling similarly insecure because she doesn't have the long history with him you do and that she'll never be able to share that same kind of connection, that she's nothing more than a new toy he only desires because she's new and young and not because of their personal connection.

Neither worry is true. He loves and values you both. Men don't pursue polygamy to replace a wife, but because they love both their wives and are committed to living a Godly life. He could have taken the easy route of divorce and remarriage but he didn't. It is rare the Christian man who has the spiritual discernment to follow this path. Give him that credit.

I’m not jealous of SW, I’m hurt emotionally and feel physical pain when I see what he’s doing! I truly want them to have a wonderful relationship, that is my hearts desire, but at what cost to me and my relationship with hubby?

If you look at this as a zero sum game then you'll create tension and conflict instead of unity. Remember the Golden Rule. Allow her the same opportunity you had to build a relationship with him so that your marriage can be successful. His time with her is an investment in the collective future of your relationship.

There will be times ahead when he'll judge that he needs to spend more time with you than her and also times when he needs to spend more time with her than you. And that is okay.

I’ve always understood in the Bible it says not to put away the first wife, but it feels like I’m ‘put away’.

a continuum exists with degrees of being put away.

No put away is literally just put away. Being kicked out. Separated. Divorced. This is entirely different than just not being able to have as much time as one would like or had before.

 

[OhMyStars]

His time with her is an investment in the collective future of your relationship.

Not to sound rude, but how is him spending 90% of his ‘time’ with her an investment into the future of our relationship when he acts like he wants nothing to do with me? Even a simple hug seems to bother him. So how is all his attention focused on her, investing in my relationship with him, when I feel like I’m sinking...literally.

 

[Keith Martin]

He could have taken the easy route of divorce and remarriage

Tsk, tsk: neither divorce nor remarriage is ever an easy route.

But, then again, perhaps I should have taken into account the context within which you wrote that remark about divorce and remarriage being the easy route.

a continuum exists with degrees of being put away.

No put away is literally just put away. Being kicked out. Separated. Divorced. This is entirely different than just not being able to have as much time as one would like or had before.

Ah, yes, once again, context. I believe that if you had been absorbing rather than seeking conflict you would have noticed that what I wrote already included many of the points you go on to make in your own lengthy response to @OhMyStars:

@Pacman also makes great points, and he is correct about 2 Samuel 20:3 addressing a blatant example of women being put away, but we also have to remember that, just as with most human behaviors, a continuum exists with degrees of being put away. [author's note: discerning this requires sensitivity to nuance; while the old saw asserts that "almost doesn't count except in horseshoes and hand grenades," in real life a great many dynamics would then qualify as fitting in the 'horseshoes and hand grenades' category, and I would assert that being put away is one of those, analogously akin to highlighting the difference between 'only' losing an arm from a hand grenade as opposed to losing one's life from one.] You certainly haven't been put away like those concubines, and, yes, it would be excellent to include your husband in this conversation, but to the extent that you are seeing this situation clearly, it would at least appear that something is amiss.

My heart breaks any time I see first wives neglected or treated as if they're just the old mismatched sock that ends up at the back of the drawer, useful at one time when it was part of a pair. Scripture does indicate that the newly-married should be supported in having an initial special time of bonding during which another spouse is exhorted to patiently wait for relationship renewal as the husband adjusts to the combination of having not only multiple wives but one who is, as you mentioned, the shiny new object. However, no matter how one labels it, that honeymoon period is not appropriately intended to go on indefinitely. I'm still with @WifeOfHisYouth when it comes to placing your focus on what you can do within yourself and your own power, while continuing to acknowledge your husband as your head, but it won't hurt for you to acknowledge within yourself that, from his end, your husband may be suffering from some self-delusion in regard to how much time he should be granted to neglect you in favor of building up the relationship with your sister wife -- as long as you do not mistakenly conclude that recognizing a weakness in your husband justifies attempting to undermine his position in the family, disparaging him behind his back or subverting the relationship between him and your sister wife.

In the absence of your husband being inspired to seek our fellowship, we are significantly limited in our responses and reactions by the fact that we only have your perspective.

Keep your focus on what you have the power to change, and along those lines be creative about becoming the inspiration for your husband to become powerless to resist your need for increased communion.

[emphasis purposefully added to draw attention to certain sections]

You will note that, not only was my comment written in the context of asserting to @OhMyStars that her situation doesn't qualify as being fully put away, as well as that I advised in the very next paragraph that feeling put away did not create a legitimate justification for her to undermine or disparage her husband or his relationship with her sister wife.

The bottom line is that (a) you and I are predominantly on the same page regarding exhorting @OhMyStars to move away from complaining and toward demonstrating commitment to the success of her marriage, and (b) I don't know if you're just getting in a dig, but once again you come across like you can't pass up even one slight opportunity to insist that any pattern other than the one you expect everyone to follow must be corrected or condemned.

We can neither speak for all men nor know what is best for all women, especially when we are making pronouncements about plural marriage and have never been plural husbands ourselves.

 

[Keith Martin]

Not to sound rude, but how is him spending 90% of his ‘time’ with her an investment into the future of our relationship when he acts like he wants nothing to do with me? Even a simple hug seems to bother him. So how is all his attention focused on her, investing in my relationship with him, when I feel like I’m sinking...literally.

@rockfox can most likely much more effectively respond to this when he gets an opportunity, and I know you are hurting, but I'm going to assert as someone who has read both what he wrote and how you responded, that you may be guilty (just based on the limitations of what you chose to respond to) of absorbing only the parts you wanted to challenge. I say that because @rockfox included some great suggestions in his message (general differences between male and female styles of communication; noticing that your sister wife may be going through her own doubts; avoiding looking at this as a zero sum game; having faith that the pendulum isn't just stuck all the way up in the air on the other side of its swing), but you didn't respond to them.

Generally speaking, I believe you have been given some weighty and valuable counsel, from both women and men. You have been very gracious, but if I sense a theme in your writing it is that what is wrong is the fault of your husband, you're seeking a solution in which he will acknowledge his error, and you'd even be willing to engage the services of a third party who can help him see the light about where he has strayed from the proper path. As I wrote in an earlier message, based on only hearing about this from you (a two-dimensional perspective), it certainly appears that something is amiss and that you're the victim of his amiss-ness. However, those of us on the outside of your marriage (a marriage for which you are the only reporter) simply cannot know what the big picture is, nor can we even come close to adequately assessing if you are efficaciously utilizing any good advice we give you. Which leaves us where we started: either you inspire your husband to join us in this discussion (suggested by almost everyone), or you sincerely work on implementing the drift of @WifeOfHisYouth's brilliant advice: create commitment within yourself to making your relationship with your husband return to success, and then do whatever is in your power to heal what is broken, become the helpmeet of your husband's dreams, and inspire even more passion and partnership than you are currently focused on missing. Wishing and hoping for him to change has no power to improve anything in your marriage, and it's certainly not going to be inspired by convincing outsiders without your husband's knowledge that he is in the wrong. Look inward for your solutions, and recognize that, even if a third-party counselor does have the potential to be helpful, it will only be to the extent that s/he is learning what you already know about yourself and that you are willing to do what it takes to transform the situation through transforming yourself. Absent that (and I say this as a trained, experience counselor), therapy is, at best, a complete and utter waste of time -- and if you're sincerely motivated to change and willing to acknowledge within yourself what you'd need to change to get there, then the high potential exists for you to do all this without an intermediary.

 

[OhMyStars]

Thank you all. I will be reading and rereading this a lot.