one cookie or two?

[steve]

i am sure that brighter persons than myself know more about the study that i am going to refer to than i do, but i am going to use it anyway. feel free to correct any misunderstandings that i may have.

the study that i have heard about is a test of a child's ability to defer pleasure for a time in order to recieve greater pleasure later. it was seen as an indicater of future emotional health and happiness.
what was asked of the child was that they sit alone in a room with a cookie for a period of time. if they were able to postpone eating the cookie untill the administrator returned, they would be given an additional cookie and could procede to eat both. if they chose to not delay their gratification and ate the cookie that was in front of them, that one was all that they would recieve.
some got to the second cookie, some did not, i do not recall the stats. i do feel that if the study were repeated at 10 year intervals it would be found that the number of cookies given out would dwindle with each study.

what i am concerned about is the seeming inability that men are having in maintaining a bethrothal period of any length w/out "committing marriage" in the eyes of YHWH.
i am a "two cookies" kind of guy. ok, so i am greedy in wanting it all even if i have to wait a little. ali and i wound up being in agreement about the fact that we were going to marry w/in 5 days of the start of our relationship, before we had even dated once. being the opportunistic man that i am and knowing that she had had to "fend off" her previous suitors, i realized that i could get a lot of mileage out of doing the opposite of what they had done. so i informed her that i would take the responsibility for drawing the line and holding it. at the time we had not set a wedding date and i had no clue how long i was going to have to maintain this position. needless to say i was much relieved when a friend asked her why she wanted to wait very long, she saw the light and we were married w/in 5 months. in the span of our 16+yrs of marriage that time seems very short, but it was an eternity at the time.
my point is that by postponing my/our gratification for those few months i have achieved "bragging rights" from here to eternity. she knows that when i give my word she can trust that i will not fail. there are no trust issues between us as other relationships develop.

guys, i am begging you to consider being a "two cookie" guy (instead of the "cookie monster", thankyou ali) for the sake of your loved ones and for your own integrity.
gals, challenge your fellers to step up.

 

[Froggie]

I have indeed heard of the study you're referring to, however, I personally see very little correlation between it and marriage. Mr. Froggie and I were engaged for just one month and two days before we eloped. Upon hearing the news, my grandfather remarked, "You did the right thing. 'Wait breaks a camel's back.'" 19 years and 11 months later, we've just booked a getaway to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. It looks to me like we still got both cookies.

 

[steve]

hey, you are saying that you waited a month and 2 days?
you waited, thats what i'm talkin bout.
most consumate the relationship before they even get engaged

 

[Froggie]

Oh, okay, I gotcha. Yep, we waited one month and two days--- that is, even after being officially engaged. :lol:

 

[CecilW]

I applaud your wisdom. Wish I'd had it years ago.

 

[Oreslag]

In my first marriage, I waited more than two years; though I was not a Christian and there were many obvious problems from the start. Nevertheless, it ended after 24 (mostly) painful years.

I met Laurie when she responded to an online dating website ad I had placed on February 16th. We decided within about a week or so to marry. We met in person for the first time on March 21st. We consummated our marriage on June 7th. We only waited this long because my exceedingly vindictive ex was bringing as much legal trouble as she could stir up for Laurie.

Though we've only been married for 4 years this June, I cannot foresee anything ending it prior to death, and I've already enjoyed more blessing and joy in these years than the cumulative total of the previous 46.

God rightfully laughs at my 'capacity' to choose wisely. Indeed, He had to drop a wife in my lap because I was looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong places! Thus, all the time in the world won't help me do better. I *need* Him to provide...

 

[steve]

oreslag;
i am in complete agreement that length of time is no guarantee.

but most of what we are seeing lately is impatience followed by devastation.
everyone, of course, is "the exception to the rule" but the more choices that are made to slow down a little the fewer bad examples will be available for the enemy to trot out "proving" that poly is a disaster.

just because a corvette can burn all of the rubber off of its tires at the stoplight is no reason to operate it at that extreme level. so also is it unnecessary for us to "operate" our relationships on the extreme of what we can get away with. what is the point of getting from 0 to married in the shortest time possible?

 

[Oreslag]

what is the point of getting from 0 to married in the shortest time possible?

...and what is the point of delaying when the Lord has provided and directed? Indeed, delaying when the Lord moves to direct His people is called 'rebellion'.

In very simplistic terms, there is no need for haste or delay; confidently welcome what the Lord provides when He provides it and act accordingly.

Caution is prudent; which is what I think you're advocating and I agree. However, 'analysis paralysis' leaves many good works undone. Additionally, in my own experience our capacity to make wise choices is often far inferior to our inflated perception of our ability to do so.

 

[CecilW]

Actually, Oreslag, I think that what Steve is advocating is simply that, however long or short the engagement, which is NOT his issue, we wait to "make the beast with two backs" (delightful Chinese term) until AFTER the wedding, however big or small, formal or informal, again not the issue, THAT may be.

In other words, DON'T meet, skip the coffee, and go straight to bed, as happens pretty often.

In Real Estate terms, he's simply saying, Don't move into the house until AFTER the closing. Some folks start by moving in, then have to go handle the paperwork -- offer to buy, acceptance, due diligence, financing, closing. The Bible doesn't say to go stone those folks to death as it does adulterers, but does impose rules not applicable to those who handle things correctly.

Finally, if you do it backwards, not only do you get no bragging rights (for being a stand-up guy), but your wife will always wonder what you'll do NEXT time? When are you going to meet someone, promptly develop a case of round-heels, and then announce that she's your wife and everyone has to just deal with it 'cause you done "done da deed", while she's still saying, "Hunh? What? Who?" ? NOT a good thing for long-term domestic bliss.

 

[Oreslag]

Well I must say I don't disagree with this at all either; the 'wait long enough to ensure it isn't simply lust' approach. If this is what Steve meant, then this Steven agrees wholeheartedly with Steve the OP + a few more posts. However, I was merely pointing out that 'waiting' is commonly a disguise for 'not doing'; which is just as condemnable as 'doing wrongly.'

In any case, as I firmly claim once again, don't depend too much on your intellect, because it is often too firmly tied to your continuing wicked tendencies and their ability to make one 'adjust' the truth to fit the momentary desire. This clearly cuts both ways: towards marriage when inappropriate, and toward failing to marry when appropriate. Thus, I advise folks to pay no attention whatsoever to the duration, but rather to the heart and its correspondence with the Word of God. Do you want a wife because you imagine more or better sex? Wrong motivation. Do you want to rescue and redeem one of God's daughters from a perverse alternative, and take joy in the blessing this provides for the rest of your life as you make children, love their mother, and honor God with both? Good work prepared in advance for you to do. Simple. Easy. No extra thinking required.

At this point I think we might be in nearly violent agreement. Or perhaps I'm simply immersed in violent oblivious denial; who knows. Blessings to all who attempt this call!!

 

[steve]

"violent agreement"

does it hurt?
will i bleed?

i will admit to being in strong agreement, but did not see any need to get violent about it