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Marriage to a second wife and the first doesn't know

Patricia C

Patricia C

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Female
I have heard many of the men talk about wanting and believing they are supposed to have more than one wife.

Here is my question:
Should a husband take a second wife and leave his first wife in the dark because she doesn't agree with his views?
Now the husband and 1st wife have a great marriage but she does not agree at all with polygyny. The second wife would have to agree that the union would have to be strictly kept a secret. Do you think this is an acceptable union?
I look forward to your responses.
 
Any woman who enters in to this situation as the second wife is a dishonest woman who knows explicitly that she will be presiding over a massive dumpster fire that she hopes to emerge from as the only wife. Stupid, terrible idea on every side, one so bad that it manages to cast a mainstream mono-only woman in a sympathetic light.
 
What they said /\ /\ /\

Plus it wouldn’t be polygyny, just parallel monogamy.
And, sadly, I am sure that it has been done by more than one guy.
 
Patricia C said:
I have heard many of the men talk about wanting and believing they are supposed to have more than one wife.
Click to expand...
I get real uncomfortable when a guy says something like that.
We are required to believe that it is not wrong, but actually walking in it depends on how the circumstances work out.

I do see how some could fall into that trap, though........
“But I care about her and she needs.....and my wife won’t......I must do what I believe....”
And yes, “I feel called to this, but my wife....”
 
What they said, plus...

Patriarchy, by definition, demands leadership and a strong man. If he isn't strong enough or leader enough to lead one household, the secret second only serves to prove his lack.

That is not to say that he has to force the issue with the first, but that he must demonstrate the wisdom to recognize the dangers here and his first responsibility before seeking to fulfill some charade that will prove him to be precisely the opposite of a patriarch. Instead of building a house, he is destroying it.
 
I’m with them. Hell no! A house divided cannot stand and that seems to be the epitome of hypocrisy on both parties that are hiding it from the other.

That is also the exact situation that generated the bigamy laws on the books.

A man like that is nobody’s friend in the poly world and can do nothing but damage to the movement.
 
Oh so many good replies!
ZecAustin said:
Any woman who enters in to this situation as the second wife is a dishonest woman who knows explicitly that she will be presiding over a massive dumpster fire that she hopes to emerge from as the only wife. Stupid, terrible idea on every side, one so bad that it manages to cast a mainstream mono-only woman in a sympathetic light.
Click to expand...
Just curious, why do you place the blame squarely on the woman? As the Head of the households what is the husbands responsibility in all of this? I am not disagreeing with you at all I am just curious about the thought process.

steve said:
What they said /\ /\ /\

Plus it wouldn’t be polygyny, just parallel monogamy.
And, sadly, I am sure that it has been done by more than one guy.
Click to expand...
Steve that is good. Parallel monogamy

Ok somemore replys have come in the 2 hours it has taken me to respond.... baby duty LOL! So I am going to go read.

@rustywest4 is it real enough yet LOL you crack me up!
 
Patricia C said:
I have heard many of the men talk about wanting and believing they are supposed to have more than one wife.

Here is my question:
Should a husband take a second wife and leave his first wife in the dark because she doesn't agree with his views?
Now the husband and 1st wife have a great marriage but she does not agree at all with polygyny. The second wife would have to agree that the union would have to be strictly kept a secret. Do you think this is an acceptable union?
I look forward to your responses.
Click to expand...

This is called Old Testament polygamy. We don't live in the Old Testament anymore, we live in the New which is based on Love. (Love is defined by God's Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness, which we are to model towards one another. Force is never used.)
 
Cap said:
This is called Old Testament polygamy. We don't live in the Old Testament anymore, we live in the New which is based on Love. (Love is defined by God's Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness, which we are to model towards one another. Force is never used.)
Click to expand...
Please enlighten me, what is OT about deception?
 
steve said:
Please enlighten me, what is OT about deception?
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No I don't consider it that way. The OT is based on one's ability to follow laws for salvation but the NT is about God saving us because He is God and not of our ability. The OT was about killing people with a physical sword were the NT is about using the sword of Truth. The OT is about the rule of law the NT is about the rule of Love.

But that's just what I believe.
 
Now I've heard men on this board, including I think some in this thread, teach that he can take a second even if the first is opposed. I'm seeing a very different tone here. Is it just the deception (Rom 1:29) and bigamy-like parallelism that is the problem for you in this scenario?

I'm speaking of the moral reality of the situation, not the practical one.
 
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Agreed with @Verifyveritas76 the problem is deception. Two wives in two separate houses is not a problem, even if the first does not agree but has full knowledge. That scenario may be very unwise, but at least it is not deception and cowardice. The deception, I presume, is due to fear, particularly of the first and expected blowback. That means he ain't the leader.
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
IMO Poly takes a strong man who is the leader in his home.
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It takes a strong man to do patriarchal poly, sometimes it’s done as simply a committee with equal voting.
But to your greater point, doing it in deception undermines the foundation of the relationships.
 
andrew said:
Not "no" but "hell no".
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There seems to be a theme here.

I’ve been wondering, why would a man want a woman who would willingly do such a thing. I see it as deception against the first wife. If this woman, second wife, is willing to deceive the first wife, what level of integrity would she have with the husband.

And by the same token, why would a woman want to align herself with a man willing to deceive his first wife. I would only assume a man of such character would have character issues with other things.

In both cases, husband or second wife, they are both aligning themselves with character flaws that have the potential to self implode.
 
Patricia C said:
Oh so many good replies!

Just curious, why do you place the blame squarely on the woman? As the Head of the households what is the husbands responsibility in all of this? I am not disagreeing with you at all I am just curious about the thought process.


Steve that is good. Parallel monogamy

Ok somemore replys have come in the 2 hours it has taken me to respond.... baby duty LOL! So I am going to go read.

@rustywest4 is it real enough yet LOL you crack me up!
Click to expand...
The man doesn't get a free pass in my book at all. He's obviously a weaselly moron, but I wouldn't give the woman any less blame if she knowingly did this. She'd deserve the idiot she might just get stuck with.
 
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