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man i need some help

J

jwh

New Member
jwh here, you can pick up on my history somewhere in this forum 2009 or so

so, first off

my 1st wife is divorcing me, she is having none of this, i burned the divorce papers but need to "respond" by monday, thru the court i guess....i have a business to protect, and also her to protect, she dont know the can of worms she is opening considering the business....are there any lawyers in here, anyone that can give me some one on one advice? even anyone who has been thru a civil divorce..send a PM, ill check sunday afternoon

a little background, #1 has said, no, i will not do this, and has stuck to her word....i actually think she would be better off divorcing me, im not going to force her, and i believe and hope for her safe return to me

#2 has said, i will support you no matter what (even to understand i dont want to loose #1), but she has continually broken her promises, and is beyond my help...i.e., anything i would tell her sends her into a rage about #1......she has made it a contest between herself and #1 continually, and now that #1 has said, do what u want with #2....#2 still never takes responsibilities for her actions

so are there any 1st wives in here that would be interested in talking to my 2nd wife......i think she needs to know what position i have put #1 in, without it coming from me..#2 is a member here, but i dont know what her handle is...if u respond to this, hopefully she will take the inititive to contact u

this whole mess has me turning from a person that started out unselfishly trying to love, to a person that is turning into a paranoid hitler, i dont trust anyone, and when backed into the corner, i demand, i push, and i cause damage

my conviction on my responsibilities is to God, and as much as im not going to force a #1 to "obey me, and will let her go (a woman who has said, i will not obey you).....) i also will not force a #2 to keep her word (obey me) and i will move on with my life (#2 says im leaving her...im not, ill be there if she wants to truley get her heart into what she has promised to do), even tho #2 has said she would submit and obey no matter what...she hasnt yet



i feel like a guy in one of those movies, that no matter what i say, it is taken wrong.....for example, #1 and i work together, we learned along time ago to not let our personal issues (when we had a solid manog marriage) to effect our work..we still do this.....but when we discuss our situation, if im happy, im proud & haughty, or if im crying or sad, im wallowing in self pity.... i cant just be happy or sad like normal people

with #2, if i am happy, i must be happy bc im kissing up to #1, or if im sad, im devising a way to leave #2 and run off with #1....LOL.....i CANNOT WIN

they both are exactly the same, on many levels...wont share, jealous, hateful......FYI, i hold the one that says I WILL to a much higher standard than the one that says I WILL NOT

ive kind of stayed shy of airing my biz in here, and even reading most stuff in here....i have stuck to the bible, and ive also read anybook #1 has given me about restoring a marriage...all great, none that would contridict a man that loves 2 women

i also read everyones theory on y its NOW one man, one woman, the experts dont agree on that, anymore than they agree on baptism, the holy spirit, events of 2nd coming, the sabbath, the trinity, and alot of other things

the bottom line is, i have 2 wives, im not a whore monger, im not looking for casual sex wether it be fornication or adultry, i have taken responsibilty before the lord for my 2nd wife, much in the same way i am sure i would have if i had went and got some woman pregnant and then came back to the lord a few years later (the child), but all that said

it just seems like i am becoming more and more isolated from friends, family, the public....i feel like i am just going to end up sitting here and dying a lonely old man, even though i am "right".....im about tired of being right

so, i need prayers, encouragement, practicle advise on protecting my assests so i can help protect #1 from cutting her own income source (me)(#1, rebellious and really dont know it, IMO), some help for #2 (rebellious and too proud to repent).......brings jer 3 to mind.

ok, im done rambling..... wish i had a sucess story for you all, and please excuse the typos, i dont take internet writing very serious

Blessing from our Father, thanks
 
Jwh, I'm really sorry to hear this story. I have no experience to give you advice from, but will most certainly be praying for you. I do hope some of the more experienced members here are able to give you more direct help (might be worth sending a message directly to the women's ministry team if you want somebody to contact #2, femina@biblicalfamilies.org).
i feel like a guy in one of those movies, that no matter what i say, it is taken wrong
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We've all been there, that's the response of any grumpy woman to the words of any man... You are wise to ask an unconnected woman to speak to them I think. Your case is extremely serious, and if you were a monogamist you'd have any number of marriage counseling services to use if your wife was willing - it's a bit harder to find a polygamous marriage counselor sadly. At this point you need an independent person to act as a mediator I expect, the mess sounds at a very advanced state and you will struggle to correct it alone. Hopefully one of the experienced members here can step up to the plate (subtle hint...).
they both are exactly the same, on many levels
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But think they are completely different to each other I expect? They remind me of a few people in my own family who also don't get on due to being almost exactly the same, but being incapable of recognising that fact... Again, not an unusual issue.
practicle advise on protecting my assests so i can help protect #1 from cutting her own income source (me)
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Do you think it would help if you put down in writing exactly what the financial consequences of living separately from you without divorcing vs divorcing and breaking up the business would be? She mightn't listen of course if she's thinking about it too emotionally, which is a problem with women in matters like this, but it might be something you need to do for yourself anyway to "respond" to her officially.

As I said, I'll be praying. Can't offer much more than that myself I'm sorry, but if you want someone to talk to flick me a private message and I'll send you my phone number.
 
Sorry to hear this, jwh. My first wife left before #2 came along, and the divorce was fairly amicable. No help there. 2nd wife and I are separated. No help there. So I don't have any great solution advice for you. Other than to suggest the following:

** To first wife, I would ask whether she would like you to respect her emotions or start criticizing them. If you HAVE been criticizing her emotions, then her critique of yours is your own fault. -- STOP. If not, point out that it can be done, so it is in her best interest to stop doing it to you.

** To second wife, the question is when God began appearing to her and telling her your motives? If he hasn't, then she has no business accusing you of motives. Worse, the accuser is clearly 8identified in Rev 12 as the devil, so her accusations do nothing but label her as working for the devil. Time to stop or exit any sort of relationship. You are not required to LIVE WITH one who refuses to end a relationship with the devil, though you may still have financial responsibilities.

** For yourself, be aware that there ARE worse things than being alone. Also that being alone for a time doesn't necessarily equate to being alone forever. Becoming a harsh dictator is not the answer. Drawing some lines as to treatment you will and will not put up with, both in the home and workplace, IS appropriate. That is not unique to pm. You are NOT required to become a victim of abuse, not to remain in an abusive environment.

** Truly, for all of you, and truly, all of US, the ultimate answer/solution is to DIE. DAILY. If you are dead, but alive only in Jesus, then the words you speak, and the things you do, will all have their origin in Him. If you choose this route, and either #1 or #2 does not, then you are no longer equally yoked, and other elements / directives come into play.

** Finally, just cause an angry person says something doesn't make it so. So if #2 says you are leaving her, correct that. You are not failing to perform as a husband. If it becomes necessary to send her out due to open rebellion, that is not leaving her. It is sending her out. You will not be able to control what she says about it, but you can't control her mouth anyway. Those who matter will understand. Those who don't understand, don't matter.
 
I've been re-reading my post above.

While I stand behind what I wrote, I don't seem to have conveyed the greater truth, which is that it is of primary importance to mix all of the above with huge dosages of compassion!

In reading your initial post, I see 3 desperately hurting people, all trying to alleviate their pain, each in unsuccessful ways. And compassion, genuine deep caring compassion that is willing to DO what is necessary, is the sugar that helps the medicine go down.

It is a tough one, but God specializes in those! You all are in my prayers.
 
Thanks Cecil, and others

I was actually just defending your post to #2, sometimes we need to hear the cold hard truth.

Just because Satan influences us, dont mean we need to continue listening to that influence, what i took away from your original post was die daily!!

The 2nd guy (cant see who it was as i reply, thank you.

Seth, I even defended your reply that obviously got edited....so in the fear I may, u are right on several levels, i am a D***A**....
 
jwh said:
Seth, I even defended your reply that obviously got edited....so in the fear I may, u are right on several levels, i am a D***A**....
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ROFLOL!

I hope that while defending my post to #2, you did so with love. I am convinced that Jesus never suppressed one word of truth, but He uttered them only with love. Tears were in His voice as He uttered His scathing rebuke of Jerusalem, for instance. We men truly need to come from the same place if we want to effect positive change in the hearts of our wives.

Anyways, here's hoping that progress occurs for all involved.
 
Just to let everyone know (thanks Samuel!) that we do have someone for his second wife to talk to. And several, including myself, have offered to talk with jwh also. Obviously this tough situation will not be resolved in a day, so please keep them all in prayer.

Thanks, Nathan
 
Seems to me that you are dealing with two Jezebels. Check out on youtube

discenring the jezebelspirit by ringo 4 life, its 4 parts. Please watch, it exposes the attributes of women who are proud and rebellious- the jezebel spirit, that is talked about in the bible in 2nd kings I think.
 
Hey you are in my prayers. who are your wifes, what is their name on this site?

I have read up on your story from 2009.

Check out 1st Kings starting at 1kings 18:1- chap 21 scriptures concerning Elijah, Ahab and Jezebel. Be encouraged, check out the videos, and let your wives see them as well. discerning the Jezebel Spirit.
 
#2 has a account on here, #1 does not, i dont know what #2 account handle is

we are very real people with real hurts, i need to get the beam out of my own eye before i start picking on the splinter in theirs

and, i'm not going to shove a piece of steak down someones throat that has a history of choking on milk

and, its probably politically in-correct on a PM-patriarch fueled online community, but I love both of these women very much, and am real sensitive to causing anymore harm and hurt, until i am sure they, or me for that matter, can handle it

so as far as the jez research right now, i cant go there, BUT, thank you for your prayers, and im not being sarcastic, i did ask for advise from a group of people who could, or could not be who they represent themselves to be, as in any online transaction

i say all this in love
thanks every one
 
Not politically incorrect at all. What is patriarchy if it is not about love? Christ loves us completely perfectly and unwaveringly. We are to obey Him in return, but sometimes fail - no matter what, He still loves us. And that is the example us men have to follow. That's what patriarchal leadership is all about: imitating Christ.

Love comes first. Obedience is a voluntary response to this love, and may only occur after a period of rebellion. No matter what, keep loving them.

It is only your deep love for your wives, with God's help, that can draw your family through this.
 
Our prayers are with you all!

As a FW I can say that I struggled with many things coming in to plural marriage, and Cecil hit the nail on the head.. we ALL have to DIE to our selfish natures. No matter our so called "position" in the marriage. A sister wife has many things to deal with and as the wife of a man who married a young bride and "grown up" with her to watch my husband fall in love with another was at times painful. UNTIL I got over myself and my selfishness and allowed God to show me how to love them both more than myself.
 
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