Looking into polygyny for (probably) an unusual reason

[DiscipleOfChrist]

I'm in a situation of heartbreak with the belief that Christ is my shepherd and I lay it all before Him at all times.

I have so many logistical questions that I know people have answers to regarding polygyny -- like legalities.

But finding a wife sounds like the hard part for me because I'd look for a really particular attitude. It's more because of the hope of wanting to be married now but with the hopes that a woman who left me (we were engaged, not yet intimate) might also return one day. This has to do with a TON of research into theology that I've done.

I'm struggling to understand why a woman would want to share a husband anyway and I don't know that I'm thrilled with the reasons why. I mean, fundamentally, I'd hope it really comes down to loving the man himself for his qualities more than liking to live with other women on top of a husband. So the trick is, in my mind, how to find a Christian woman who is open to it but doesn't have her heart set on it -- like she's both totally fine with it being both me and her, and/or with another should she come back.

Hopefully someone has a thought and might go easy on me with this. Thanks.

 

[steve]

My personal opinion is to just be yourself.
Continue to grow in your relationship with Yah. Walk with Him and make Him your best friend.
Assume that there is a lady out there who is doing the same, and that at the proper time He will bring her across your path. It doesn’t always happen in the time frame that we expect. In the meantime continue to grow into the man that she will need you to be.
Be honest about your beliefs on marriage with the people around you, but don’t strive towards the goal of being married. Just be available.

 

[Bria]

Hello! Welcome to Biblical Families!

I am sorry to hear about your heart break and I will pray God gives you peace, guidance and direction.

I'm struggling to understand why a woman would want to share a husband anyway and I don't know that I'm thrilled with the reasons why.

What reasons why are you thinking of that you don't like?

Also, I actually brought up the question of looking into sister wives to my husband. I never ever thought I would have brought it up when I first got married, but as time went on and I kept seeing how incredible my husband was/is I started to feel like I wanted to share him so that another woman could be loved like the way he loves me. I also kept reading and remembering in the bible about how a wife is a blessing and I desired my husband to be blessed with more if the Lord saw fit. Now, that being said this isn't a totally selfless act. While I hope and pray that my husband will find another Godly, loving woman/women I also was attracted to the concept of constant fellowship.

COVID in particular really opened my eyes to the loneliness and stress that monogamous moms seem to feel, like there is this pressure to raise Children, manage a household, love our God and submit to our husbands and "be okay doing all of that" I can say first hand that it's a lot! Especially if you weren't taught how to be "a good wife" like I wasn't. So it has taken a few more trials and errors for me to figure it out. I also noticed Satan running around trying to isolate Christians and making them fear vulnerability and close off to others (I am not perfect and also fit into the category at times) and the loneliness I was feeling because I felt the lack of constant fellowship made me desire a sister wife. We have moved around a lot since being married and my childhood was less than optimal so I seldom have long term female friendships so the idea of a sister wife was nice to me, it meant that I would have a friend who could walk hand and hand with me and my family through it all.

Another thing is when I got married I was certain I was going to buy a house and live in it forever but God had different plans. I also thought that I wouldn't need help and I believed I would never live with any one else and again God had different plans. We ended up sharing our house several times and I saw how helpful that could be and the moving around a lot was another thing that made me want a more permanent female friend.

Lastly "being fruitful and multiplying" is something my body can no longer handle, and having a sister wife opens up that possibility to continue growing our family.

So those are just a few reasons why I am interested in plural, hopefully that makes sense and gives you a glimpse of it from a woman's perspective.

I mean, fundamentally, I'd hope it really comes down to loving the man himself for his qualities more than liking to live with other women on top of a husband.

I am a first wife and my husband currently has a girlfriend. I can tell you this particular woman is more in love with him and his qualities than living with another woman. While she doesn't seem to mind the concept of me being here, her heart is for my husband and my heart is for my husband and I see that as a good thing. He has dated a few women that had their hearts more for me than him and ultimately that didn't work out. The dynamic of the man is the head of the household is hard to swallow for many women and they run.

There have been some woman that have married into a plural family because of the safety they felt with other women being in the household and the fear of being alone with a man forever was too heavy at that time. Everyone's situation is unique and different and I have learned that God will bring you to places and people you least expect but it is also where you need to be.

Christian woman who is open to it but doesn't have her heart set on it -- like she's both totally fine with it being both me and her, and/or with another should she come back.

It is possible to find someone like this but it may also take time like myself for a wife to be open to it. Others may argue that a woman doesn't have a choice of a say in it but from what I have gathered it is a lot easier if the husband is willing to prepare his wife. Not everyone is willing to accept the reality of plural marriage being acceptable let alone biblical so it's possible but not common. Not yet anyway I have a feeling plural marriage will start become more normal as time goes on and lack of good, God fearing men continue to disappear. Also the thought of plural and the reality of plural are very different, so while finding a woman who is open to the concept may panic when it becomes a reality.

Just some thoughts I had I hope this helps!

 

[DiscipleOfChrist]

My personal opinion is to just be yourself.
Continue to grow in your relationship with Yah. Walk with Him and make Him your best friend.
Assume that there is a lady out there who is doing the same, and that at the proper time He will bring her across your path. It doesn’t always happen in the time frame that we expect. In the meantime continue to grow into the man that she will need you to be.
Be honest about your beliefs on marriage with the people around you, but don’t strive towards the goal of being married. Just be available.

Indeed it all comes down to being a disciple of Christ, whether he leads you to trials through ruin or multiplies your worldly wealth, ALL for His glory one way or the other!

Above all I resolve to remember this at all times: follow Christ where he leads. Even through this staggering pain I am thrilled to grow and learn in ways that Christ would have me learn to prepare for the kingdom of heaven where we will also serve Him day and night. I believe He will lead me through His Holy Spirit.

 

[DiscipleOfChrist]

Hello! Welcome to Biblical Families!

I am sorry to hear about your heart break and I will pray God gives you peace, guidance and direction.



What reasons why are you thinking of that you don't like?

Also, I actually brought up the question of looking into sister wives to my husband. I never ever thought I would have brought it up when I first got married, but as time went on and I kept seeing how incredible my husband was/is I started to feel like I wanted to share him so that another woman could be loved like the way he loves me. I also kept reading and remembering in the bible about how a wife is a blessing and I desired my husband to be blessed with more if the Lord saw fit. Now, that being said this isn't a totally selfless act. While I hope and pray that my husband will find another Godly, loving woman/women I also was attracted to the concept of constant fellowship.

COVID in particular really opened my eyes to the loneliness and stress that monogamous moms seem to feel, like there is this pressure to raise Children, manage a household, love our God and submit to our husbands and "be okay doing all of that" I can say first hand that it's a lot! Especially if you weren't taught how to be "a good wife" like I wasn't. So it has taken a few more trials and errors for me to figure it out. I also noticed Satan running around trying to isolate Christians and making them fear vulnerability and close off to others (I am not perfect and also fit into the category at times) and the loneliness I was feeling because I felt the lack of constant fellowship made me desire a sister wife. We have moved around a lot since being married and my childhood was less than optimal so I seldom have long term female friendships so the idea of a sister wife was nice to me, it meant that I would have a friend who could walk hand and hand with me and my family through it all.

Another thing is when I got married I was certain I was going to buy a house and live in it forever but God had different plans. I also thought that I wouldn't need help and I believed I would never live with any one else and again God had different plans. We ended up sharing our house several times and I saw how helpful that could be and the moving around a lot was another thing that made me want a more permanent female friend.

Lastly "being fruitful and multiplying" is something my body can no longer handle, and having a sister wife opens up that possibility to continue growing our family.

So those are just a few reasons why I am interested in plural, hopefully that makes sense and gives you a glimpse of it from a woman's perspective.





I am a first wife and my husband currently has a girlfriend. I can tell you this particular woman is more in love with him and his qualities than living with another woman. While she doesn't seem to mind the concept of me being here, her heart is for my husband and my heart is for my husband and I see that as a good thing. He has dated a few women that had their hearts more for me than him and ultimately that didn't work out. The dynamic of the man is the head of the household is hard to swallow for many women and they run.

There have been some woman that have married into a plural family because of the safety they felt with other women being in the household and the fear of being alone with a man forever was too heavy at that time. Everyone's situation is unique and different and I have learned that God will bring you to places and people you least expect but it is also where you need to be.




It is possible to find someone like this but it may also take time like myself for a wife to be open to it. Others may argue that a woman doesn't have a choice of a say in it but from what I have gathered it is a lot easier if the husband is willing to prepare his wife. Not everyone is willing to accept the reality of plural marriage being acceptable let alone biblical so it's possible but not common. Not yet anyway I have a feeling plural marriage will start become more normal as time goes on and lack of good, God fearing men continue to disappear. Also the thought of plural and the reality of plural are very different, so while finding a woman who is open to the concept may panic when it becomes a reality.

Just some thoughts I had I hope this helps!

Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and that is a big help. Your attitude does sound lovely.

I was indeed considering the motivations of women seeking polygyny. Like it sounds in your case, I'm not opposed to the idea of a woman enjoying situations that come *along with* the man she loves by any means. It does sound like a different world of developing discernment, as you alluded to something that I was concerned about: it being less about the man and more about the sister wives. So, I appreciate the insight into that experience as well as observation of that potential pitfall too.

Of course, the other hurdle for me is also falling in love again. It's one thing to find a woman attractive, but every time my mind would fast-forward towards life with any woman I came across in life, the one I just lost was also the only one that I felt joy for the thought of living with every single day of my life. But I digress. Michal and David separated and David just seemed to move on to other women, as tragic as it was that such real love seemed to perish between the two. I think about that a lot.

Thanks again, though.

 

[Keith Martin]

Of course, the other hurdle for me is also falling in love again. It's one thing to find a woman attractive, but every time my mind would fast-forward towards life with any woman I came across in life, the one I just lost was also the only one that I felt joy for the thought of living with every single day of my life.

@steve already said everything I would have said (of course, given that I'm his grasshopper), but now that you've written this I will just emphasize one part of what he wrote:

don’t strive towards the goal of being married. Just be available.

One of the largest snares for us as men is turning our wives into idols. The women in our lives are truly blessings, but our contentment, our well-being or our satisfaction are dependent on any given one of them. You may yourself be somewhat under the spell of the Happily Ever After myths, especially the one about The One True Love. Yah is to be our One True Love; it's always an illusion when a man falls in love with a woman and incorrectly concludes that that means she is The One. That's even true for a woman; even though a woman is meant to cleave to just one man, nothing about that imperative also asserts that there is only one man in the world who can fill the bill of who is to be the only one with whom she becomes one flesh.

Keeping the focus on finding a wife essentially turns it into a project of filling up a black hole. To have a wife is a blessing, but that doesn't imply that not having a wife means one's life in an ongoing sense is deficient. My encouragement is that you take each day in a way in which you are, as @steve mentioned, available but not in a way in which you're instead elevating your desire for a wife to define you as only half a man.

 

[steve]

Hello! Welcome to Biblical Families!

I am sorry to hear about your heart break and I will pray God gives you peace, guidance and direction.



What reasons why are you thinking of that you don't like?

Also, I actually brought up the question of looking into sister wives to my husband. I never ever thought I would have brought it up when I first got married, but as time went on and I kept seeing how incredible my husband was/is I started to feel like I wanted to share him so that another woman could be loved like the way he loves me. I also kept reading and remembering in the bible about how a wife is a blessing and I desired my husband to be blessed with more if the Lord saw fit. Now, that being said this isn't a totally selfless act. While I hope and pray that my husband will find another Godly, loving woman/women I also was attracted to the concept of constant fellowship.

COVID in particular really opened my eyes to the loneliness and stress that monogamous moms seem to feel, like there is this pressure to raise Children, manage a household, love our God and submit to our husbands and "be okay doing all of that" I can say first hand that it's a lot! Especially if you weren't taught how to be "a good wife" like I wasn't. So it has taken a few more trials and errors for me to figure it out. I also noticed Satan running around trying to isolate Christians and making them fear vulnerability and close off to others (I am not perfect and also fit into the category at times) and the loneliness I was feeling because I felt the lack of constant fellowship made me desire a sister wife. We have moved around a lot since being married and my childhood was less than optimal so I seldom have long term female friendships so the idea of a sister wife was nice to me, it meant that I would have a friend who could walk hand and hand with me and my family through it all.

Another thing is when I got married I was certain I was going to buy a house and live in it forever but God had different plans. I also thought that I wouldn't need help and I believed I would never live with any one else and again God had different plans. We ended up sharing our house several times and I saw how helpful that could be and the moving around a lot was another thing that made me want a more permanent female friend.

Lastly "being fruitful and multiplying" is something my body can no longer handle, and having a sister wife opens up that possibility to continue growing our family.

So those are just a few reasons why I am interested in plural, hopefully that makes sense and gives you a glimpse of it from a woman's perspective.





I am a first wife and my husband currently has a girlfriend. I can tell you this particular woman is more in love with him and his qualities than living with another woman. While she doesn't seem to mind the concept of me being here, her heart is for my husband and my heart is for my husband and I see that as a good thing. He has dated a few women that had their hearts more for me than him and ultimately that didn't work out. The dynamic of the man is the head of the household is hard to swallow for many women and they run.

There have been some woman that have married into a plural family because of the safety they felt with other women being in the household and the fear of being alone with a man forever was too heavy at that time. Everyone's situation is unique and different and I have learned that God will bring you to places and people you least expect but it is also where you need to be.




It is possible to find someone like this but it may also take time like myself for a wife to be open to it. Others may argue that a woman doesn't have a choice of a say in it but from what I have gathered it is a lot easier if the husband is willing to prepare his wife. Not everyone is willing to accept the reality of plural marriage being acceptable let alone biblical so it's possible but not common. Not yet anyway I have a feeling plural marriage will start become more normal as time goes on and lack of good, God fearing men continue to disappear. Also the thought of plural and the reality of plural are very different, so while finding a woman who is open to the concept may panic when it becomes a reality.

Just some thoughts I had I hope this helps!

So well written!

 

[primrose]

I also noticed Satan running around trying to isolate Christians and making them fear vulnerability… I felt the lack of constant fellowship made me desire a sister wife…. the idea of a sister wife was nice to me, it meant that I would have a friend who could walk hand and hand with me and my family through it all.

I agree with Bria. The fellowship developed between two women under the head of a man living for Christ forms a strong family; and demonstrates we don’t have to go through life alone.

We ended up sharing our house several times and I saw how helpful that could be.

In a similar circumstance, we ended up going on a vacation with close friends, sharing a home with a friend whose husband couldn’t make it. One home was my husband and I, her, and all the kids that were ours (plus my son’s friends we brought with us). In another home was our other friend and their family. In the home I was in, I was able to see a tiny glimpse of what another could be like; and I liked it. We shared good talks and responsibilities; and got stuff done in less time and effort. I found that helpful.

Everyone's situation is unique and different and I have learned that God will bring you to places and people you least expect but it is also where you need to be.

Well said!

 

[DiscipleOfChrist]

@steve already said everything I would have said (of course, given that I'm his grasshopper), but now that you've written this I will just emphasize one part of what he wrote:

One of the largest snares for us as men is turning our wives into idols. The women in our lives are truly blessings, but our contentment, our well-being or our satisfaction are dependent on any given one of them. You may yourself be somewhat under the spell of the Happily Ever After myths, especially the one about The One True Love. Yah is to be our One True Love; it's always an illusion when a man falls in love with a woman and incorrectly concludes that that means she is The One. That's even true for a woman; even though a woman is meant to cleave to just one man, nothing about that imperative also asserts that there is only one man in the world who can fill the bill of who is to be the only one with whom she becomes one flesh.

Keeping the focus on finding a wife essentially turns it into a project of filling up a black hole. To have a wife is a blessing, but that doesn't imply that not having a wife means one's life in an ongoing sense is deficient. My encouragement is that you take each day in a way in which you are, as @steve mentioned, available but not in a way in which you're instead elevating your desire for a wife to define you as only half a man.

I have identified this with regards to this woman.

I don't think I've played games with women, but I've found it to be unintentionally true that the more a man goes the "man with a plan" route without devoting energies to chasing women, the more attractive to a woman he is.

With this one, I can see the same sort of thing with an unfortunate rollercoaster. I proceeded through a sort of "courtship" with some caution and sobriety that came across as a lack of desire, whereas I think my apparent independence was attractive in the first place. As it happens, I think chasing her is likewise unattractive at this point anyway.

It's tough to discern for me. Paul says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Either way, I should be patient for the Lord's solution to that and everything else according to storing up in the kingdom. So yes, realistically, going out alone is the way to go for me with the Lord keeping me of sound mind.

 

[steve]

With this one, I can see the same sort of thing with an unfortunate rollercoaster. I proceeded through a sort of "courtship" with some caution and sobriety that came across as a lack of desire, whereas I think my apparent independence was attractive in the first place. As it happens, I think chasing her is likewise unattractive at this point anyway.

I am of the “Yah is not ignoring us” persuasion.
He desires to grow His Kingdom down here on earth and He is involved with us as we let Him be.
He doesn’t make things easy, usually, but He does facilitate in ways that don’t violate our wills.
So don’t be too concerned about what will get you perceived perfectly. Also, He can draw someone that isn’t even on your radar.

One of my favorite phrases is: “Do what is right and suffer the consequences.”