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Living arrangements

UntoldGlory

UntoldGlory

Member
Male
I also have a question for the experienced out there, though I understand if it's the type you either would rather not answer, or not till I've been around a bit more via PM or something.

Anyway, what kind of living arrangements have people tried? Anyone tried a couple of different types? If so, what was your favorite?

Cherie and I have talked extensively about this particular subject, and while we cannot come to a final decision without the input of any future wife, we do have some current ideas of what our preference would be. (Note: we want to make sure she is and feels like a full member of the family, not that she just has to conform to us, so there are quite a few things we can't come to a final decision on.) We really don't like the idea of completely separate households, largely because we want to be a family that actually functions as a family. We do think that each adult needs some form of private space. So basically each wife having a bedroom, but not necessarily separate kitchens etc. I won't go into what may or may not happen within those bedrooms, as I figure that is outside the scope of a public forum.

We also feel that the wives relationship to each other being strong and close is as vital as my relationship with either of them. Any of the experienced people our there have any perspective on this one? I'm especially interested in the husband's perspective on how to promote good relationships among wives, and wives perspectives on how your relationship with your SW(s) affects your feelings of jealousy. Both lessons learned the hard way, and things that worked right off the bat.

Thanks!
 
We live under one roof and have always had separate bedrooms and shared one living space (although for a time we lived in a campus type arrangement where the 'bedrooms' were actually free-standing cabins and the shared space was one central building). FWIW, at a retreat talking with some other men, those who were living in separate houses seemed to be doing that primarily for financial or 'evolutionary' reasons (just something about the specific facts of their situation) while hoping that someday they might be in one house.

The Mormon families (or families of Mormon heritage) seem to place a bigger premium on separate kitchens or even separate houses. I can't say I've done a rigorous study, that's just my impression based on the reality shows and some light research I did a long time ago.
 
Thanks for sharing Andrew. Most of our exposure to poly before this forum was Mormon, first from shows, then from another poly site which was primarily Mormon. Luckily we'd only been there a very brief time before someone mentioned this site.
 
I'm glad you found us! Keep the questions coming—that's why we're here! At the same time, I hope sometime soon you have a chance to make one of our meetups, either a group meeting somewhere near you some weekend or one of our major retreats. Nothing quite replaces the meatspace fellowship....
 
Agreed. Talked to Ron last week, and it looks like he and his wives will be stopping by this Wednesday or Thursday as they pass though. Thanks for the timely contact info!
 
Very cool!
 
Very interesting topic. My wife and I have often spoke about this. She said in the beginning of the relationship with the second wife, she would like to have her own space until she really gets to know the second wife. Now I want every one living under the same roof, but, I do understand that this is not always easy for the first wives. So we agreed that I would look for a two family home, that way we will all still be close together and I will be able to go from one home to the other within a matter of seconds!
 
That makes sense Adhere. I know if any incoming wife wasn't comfortable with a single house then our next go-to would be to look for a duplex or possibly a generational home. Part of that would be determined by if/how many kids she already had of course.

My worry in a multi-home setup is two-fold:
1) Logistics, since even if they're right next door then there are still two of everything to buy. Kitchen setups, living room and dining room sets, etc. Seems unnecessary, not to mention I feel my accessibility would be, or at least appear to be, limited.

2) This one is more important to me, but my wife and I both feel that the separation would actually foster and encourage jealousy. Like in Sister Wives (I hate to use the tv show, but we've all probably seen it so it's easy to point stuff out), the Brown wives are kind of uncomfortable when Kody gives affection to one of the other wives, but the Darger wives are quite comfortable with it. Part of that is personality, but I think part of it is just acclimatization. I didn't used to be comfortable showing affection in public, but that was because of how I was raised, followed by the affect of the military. Now I'm quite comfortable with it, and would miss it if it was gone.

Does your wife *want* to get to the level of comfort of sharing a household? Or is that something that she's willing to agree to because of your desires? It's vital to me to make sure Cherie is comfortable throughout this process and in any future arrangement, so be clear I think it's a perfectly good reason to look at multiple households!

Oh, related question (sorta)! What are your guys thoughts on wedding rings? Do you even wear them, do you want them all to match? I know it's a construct of our culture, but how do you all handle it. Ladies? What are your thoughts?
 
My suggestion on living arrangements is to discuss all the options, and have the physical and financial capacity to cover them all. But be aware that if/when you find a real person, it will totally depend on that new situation and all person's previously held thoughts about what would be best, may change.
 
Our experience has been of several different arrangements. We lived the first 7 years all together. Shared a kitchen, baby duties and house care. Then for various reasons we decided it would be best to have separate houses that were in close proximity to each other. We eventually worked out a schedule of certain nights to cook and host the whole family for dinner. This gave us the connection as a family but allowed my sister wife and I more "space" at other times. God has used this time greatly and our relationship is better than ever. We are presently waiting on the Lord to show us where to go next and hope to have one large house with the possibility of two kitchens (we do better that way) by adding on or such.

I am a strong believer in seasons and the need to adapt and change as these different seasons come. Just as our children grow and need different things so do our families as a whole.

As for the ring question, it seems that each family has their own likes and dislikes. For us, it was different gem stones. I already had a diamond engagement ring but my sister wife liked sapphires so she was given a sapphire engagement ring. As many know after reading Nathan's letter about loving two women, he come to appreciate the uniqueness of my "diamond" because he had another who was unique as a "sapphire" next to it. Each set of rings are beautiful in their own right. But many families like to have a ring that is the same to show unity and that in it's own right is beautiful. Also, Nathan never liked to wear jewelry much so he ended up not wearing his wedding ring all the time even before he met someone else. He has chosen to not wear a wedding ring just from personal preference.
 
UntoldGlory... My wife said now that all of our children are grown..(all over 18 and they are either married, in college or working) she likes the thought of being able to be comfortable, no longer having to fully dress if she doesn't want too, no more looking after children, (she has raised her children, and do not want to raise anyone's children, and that's her choice) and the list goes on.... She says... She has done her part and now just wants to enjoy life. So the bottom line is... She just wants her own space and doesn't mind if a second wife lives next door or upstairs... Just as long as she has her own space!

You are absolutely right!!! Living separately will be double the expense. I see no point in that! But I do understand my wife's point of view.

Side note: My revelation of biblical polygyny has become her devastation..... But I thank God for Restoration!!! I wished we would have known about biblical polygyny before we got married! It would have possibly been a easier transition for her.

So I no longer bring up the subject, even though she says she is ok with it. So.. I pray and ask The Lord to continue to bless my wife and children and our marital union...

As for rings, to me, having matching sets for all involved would be important to me...
 
I'm new to the site and am celebrating my first year anniversary with wife #2.
My first wife and second both have separate houses which is very expensive. However both have expressed a desire to have separate spaces but would consider one home for all of us together. However finding a five bedroom is not as easy as you would think. The other problem it imagine would be the issue of who gets the master bath. Lol.
As farad rings we all have non matching wedding rings. But my wives chose to get a matching set with there own personal birth stones that they wear on their opposite hand. I think it is important and I love the fact that they see themselves as a family united as SWs. I am very blessed.
 
Welcome TH!

Great to hear the perspective of a newly-2nd-wed! We thought about the "who gets the master" thing, and we actually thought that maybe it would be good to look for a house that has a couple of the secondary bedrooms with baths, and neither get the master suite! Do you guys live in an area where basements are common? Most homes in this area with more than 4 bedrooms have some of the bedrooms in the basement. We both think that everyone (or at least the wives) have some space to call their own, where they can decorate (read: nest) as they see fit, and retreat if needed.

I *love* the SW complementary rings! It's very cool. We actually went to get my ring re-sized yesterday, but ended up not doing it. I spent so many years as a mechanic that I have trouble wearing anything on my hands, or even a watch (safety first!). We thought maybe I could craft us some matching cuffs or something out of leather, or some sort of family crest that could go on whatever item someone wanted it on.

Adhere, I'd sorry it's been a tough road for your wife accepting poly, but it seems like she is still coming around, so good on her!
 
Bryan and I feel that one house will work best for us. We don't feel a seperate home works in our favor. Also, we plan on making some additions to the house at some point.
 
Yeah, I know an incoming wife wanting a separate house is a major concern for my wife, and really for me. I want my whole family under one roof where I can love and protect them!
 
You probably know how it is, always lurking, never responding. It's easier to just observe most of the time. But I thought I might make a comment on this one, since I have the tiniest bit of experience. And by that I mean that I'm currently right in the middle of this issue and trying to figure out how everything's going to work.

Military planners have a saying. "the enemy gets a vote". In other words, every plan is contingent on how the enemy reacts and handles the careful plans that you have made. Now I certainly don't want to imply that anyone in a hypothetical plural marriage scenario is anything close to an enemy, but circumstances may keep even the best laid plans from coming to fruition.

In my case, I would strongly prefer one house, or at least homes on the same property. But separate homes, expensive as they may be, are unavoidable for the time being. And not even a little bit close to one another! Always remember that the lady that comes into your life already has a life of her own as well. She has roots that can't be ripped up so easily, and perhaps family that have established lives too. It will certainly take time to make big transitions, and probably should. If you're able to sort through the mounds of applicants for the position of sister wife to find just the right one who can fall right into your pre-made plans, then that would probably be the way to go :) But sometimes (or always?) you tend to fall in love without clearing every logistic beforehand. Or maybe that was just me . . . .
 
Jason: You are not alone. I think the general consensus here is that one house is generally preferable, but there are several families that for various practical reasons are in two homes at least temporarily, maybe permanently.

My version of "enemy gets a vote" is "no plan survives first contact with the enemy", but I think we're saying the same thing. Contingency planning seems to be the biggest part of any plan that involves significant hostile opposition (whether on the physical battlefield or the cultural one), and I can assure anyone exploring this lifestyle that "adapt, improvise, overcome" takes on a whole new meaning....

Jason, I consider your last paragraph excellent advice, and it reminds me of a post over on the Christian Polygyny facebook page that I think could use some good advice. Do you mind if I snip part of that and repost it over on fb?
 
Hello all, IMO I prefer one house all together. We have a master and two other bedrooms jack/Jill. O
Connecting bathrooms.Each us ladies could ha e ourown room and hubby gets master suite and we move but our belongings stay our own rooms. It's just us two right now and we are not looking for children in our lives.
As for rings it depends on new SW whether she wants to match or not. We can buy same set for SW as me if she prefers.
We can think of ideas but still need to discuss SW preferences.
 
annette1971tx said:
We can think of ideas but still need to discuss SW preferences.
Click to expand...

This is a factor that is often ignored in discussing living arrangements, closet space, etc. prior to the arrival of a SW. While some steps, such as making a bedroom available, are a good idea the SW's preferences must be discussed after she starts considering joining the family.

It is good to be back among people who know this and demonstrate that knowledge with quotes like the one above.
 
What an interesting topic. I had to comment. Lol. Yes im single but did live briefly with a family. My desire has always been to share one home with the family. Imo living in seperate homes would seem too distant. I believe sharing a home with the family helps foster those bonds. I know when i stayed briefly with that family i really enjoyed spending more time with the children. I stayed home with the the four children while the wife worked. Since im from a large family and i love to cook and clean it didnt bother me one bit. But in some regards it does magnify things. Like if the husband shows affection to one woman there is a pretty good chance the other one(s) will see it. But honestly, if its that big of an issue things may not be meant to be (like in my case). I have known several poly families that shared one home. I dont recall any that had seperate homes. In the many instances i have spoke to married women that were looking to practice plural marriage...the ones that wanted seperate homes seemed to be on the fence about the idea. Giving up personal space in a home you established with your husband is a big deal. But so are all the things a new wife will have to give up to move and relocate. I think it really is something all should discuss together. But the main consideration should be what is best for the family...not a me, me, me mentality. And ultimately the husband should make the final decision.
 
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