Jealousy in an open relationship

[CecilW]

From http://www.women24.com/LoveAndSex/Singl ... p-20130429

Seems relevant to both men & women ...

Is it possible to be in a polyamorous relationship without having jealousy interfere? A reader talks about how she dealt with all of her insecurities.

Being in the non-traditional type of relationship that I am, I was forced to work on jealousy. It was either that or leave a 10 (now almost 12) year relationship behind.

I did it by asking a lot of difficult questions about myself – introspection.

And. It. Sucked.

I didn’t want to dig down so deep but in the end, I’m glad I did.

Relationships, whichever type you choose, are hard work and killing the green-eyed monster is probably the most difficult part.

You see, jealousy is not an emotion – it does not exist. If you say you’re jealous what you’re actually saying is that you’re insecure.

By giving it a different name people don’t work on the crux of the issue.

They skirt around it and think feeling jealous is normal.

When you’re in a polyamorous relationship you WILL battle with jealousy (read insecurity). If you add a low self-esteem to that insecurity you can count on heated fights and spending nights crying yourself to sleep – feeling abandoned and replaced.

Sounds horrible, I know, but when you choose this type of relationship the emotions you would feel in a monogamous one are amplified BUT luckily you’re prepared for it.

People who choose to be polyamorous know what to expect and they know it will take work, work that monogamous couples can benefit from but hardly ever do.

When you’re in a traditional relationship it seems the general feeling is that jealousy is okay, sometimes it’s even labelled as cute.

Don’t you think a relationship with little or NO jealousy would be relaxing, joyful, stress-free…pure bliss?

It is possible BUT people approach jealousy wrongly.

They think stopping the behaviour that made them jealous is good enough. It isn’t. Placing limitations on your partner, changing his behaviour to sooth your insecurities will lead to resentment. Rather shift the focus to yourself.

Find out why you feel jealous (again, read insecure). What triggered it? Did your partner look in the direction of a woman walking by? If so, why is that wrong?

Be honest with yourself and soon you’ll see that you felt jealous because YOU think the woman has nicer hair, breasts, legs or…take your pick…than you do.

See every moment of feeling jealous as an opportunity to dig deep and discovery your insecurities. Find out what hides behind your jealousy and work on it.

Relationships can’t survive let alone thrive when one partner is overwhelmed by jealousy.

Insecurity is not sexy.

If you can work on your insecurities and on your self-esteem issues it will take a lot to make you jealous and if it does happen you’ll be able to talk yourself out of it. You’ll know you are the best thing since sliced bread and if someone else can’t see it boo-hoo for them – their loss.

 

[faithunseen]

So, what if someone is new to this lifestyle and all they have ever known is the "worldly ways" of relationships? Are they expected to be perfect and do everything right? Yes, I am well aware jealousy is a sin but is it true men can be jealous but women are in sin if they are??

 

[Crossgeared Viking]

I think the girl is spot on, though I disagree with her solution. It is rather prideful. Her idea is,if you have jealousy stemming from insecurity, then you need to convince your self that you are the best there is. In essence, that you are better than everyone else. The problem I have with that assessment is that not only are you as a flawed individual raising yourself on the pedestal of perfection, but you are also attempting to mold yourself to others standards, though in this case, without actually doing anything. Let's think about it. Let's suppose I'm a husband,and my wife or wives eye(s) another man. Immediately I feel my position as the "alpha" of the family threatened by an outsider. But not wanting to lose the love of my wife/wives to jealousy, I convince myself that I'm better in every way conceivable to the other guy, even if in actuality, he is better than me. He has won the day at that point, because by just passing by and forcing me to change opinion of myself, he has proved he has the ability to manipulate me as well as fool me into thinking I'm not being manipulated on top of boosting my pride factor through the roof.

The true solution in my opinion his not to convince myself that I am better than him, but that I am good enough for God. It is He who has given me my family, has entrusted them into hand, and would not have done so if HE did not think I was good enough for my woman(en). Mold yourself to YHWH's standards, not the other guy's or your wife(ves)'s for that matter. If you are not good enough for them in that capacity, then they don't/didn't deserve you in the first place.

 

[CecilW]

So, what if someone is new to this lifestyle and all they have ever known is the "worldly ways" of relationships?

Then they get to choose how to react: Stay with the world's ways, complain bitterly about the need to change while pretending to do so, or look at learning and living the new ways as a wonderful adventure. I propose that the latter is both most effective and likely to be full of happiness.

Are they expected to be perfect and do everything right?

Of COURSE! And will they fail those who hold those expectations? Of COURSE! :lol:

A more realistic expectation would be to accept that you have been placed into a new and perfect POSITION regarding human relationships, and now you have the opportunity to grow into a maturity of PRACTICE. In the business world, we would say that you are going to embark on or commit to a process of continual improvement.

No-one is perfect right out of the box. Even our definition of perfection changes over time, and requires that we do likewise.

Yes, I am well aware jealousy is a sin but is it true men can be jealous but women are in sin if they are??

The problem behind this question is our definition of jealousy. If Jealousy is protecting what is mine, and not casually sharing it with inappropriate others, then we can make progress.

God says that He is Jealous over us -- therefore jealousy itself cannot be wrong as God is sinless. But God's jealousy is PROTECTIVE in nature -- not CONTROLLING. Further, it is exercised by the One who has authority in protection of the relationship with those in his care.

So ... if a husband saw another man putting the moves on his wife and ran the other man off, he would be exercising appropriate jealousy in guarding his wife's relationship to himself. If, on the other hand, he is monitoring her phone calls and text messages and demanding an accounting of every penny spent (there might be a valid purpose for the latter, if he's doing the same himself in an attempt to improve the finances, but it might be just a means of control), maybe even never letting her leave the house unaccompanied, this is not an exercise in Godly jealousy but in ungodly control.

Now to a woman. If she heard someone else dissing her husband's good name, and knew it to be false, and went to his defense? I suggest that she is operating out of Godly jealousy on his behalf. If, however, she says, "He is MINE! I get to control who and whether he develops another relationship, or how he will act towards another wife," or perhaps, "All his attention must be on me. Me. ME! Otherwise, I'll feel rejected and jealous", it would seem that the operative word is "control". Ungodly. The equivalent of us telling God, "You are only allowed to save us Baptists! None of those wild-eyed Pentecostals allowed!" How absurd.

Having said that, there IS a place for a wife to confront a husband if he is doing wrong. If he's playing blatant favorites with one wife, or being promiscuous, or any of a number of other inappropriate behaviors, it is her responsibility to LOVINGLY confront the issue. That is about appropriate boundaries and maintaining the health of the relationship. Not jealousy. Wise people say it like this: "Be hard on the issue, soft on the person."

 

[faithunseen]

Thanks Cecil...

 

[FollowingHim]

Yes, I am well aware jealousy is a sin but is it true men can be jealous but women are in sin if they are??

The Bible never says Jealousy is a sin. It says (Exodus 20:17) "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's." This is sometimes explained to children as "Don't be jealous", but that is incorrect, it is far more specific than that, and actually means "Don't want stuff that belongs to someone else". Taken with the rest of the 10 Commandments, we are told not to commit adultery (7), steal (8), or even desire to commit adultery or steal (10).

Jealousy on the other hand can be Godly, as Cecil has pointed out.

 

[barb Jackson]

Having said that, there IS a place for a wife to confront a husband if he is doing wrong. If he's playing blatant favorites with one wife, or being promiscuous, or any of a number of other inappropriate behaviors, it is her responsibility to LOVINGLY confront the issue

I am a 3rd wife of almost 12 years. I suffer from insecurities from my past that are beginning to creep into this relationship. My husband has a "best friend" from work who happens to be a female, every time i see her my stomach becomes ill. He has my 2 SW 'counseling' her into Godly ways as she claims not to really know about God.

I told my husband i have a strange feeling about her, which has been dismissed as jealousy (which it very well may be) but I also felt dismissed. This woman does not speak to me, i have messaged her on facebook to apologize if I have acted unkindly and stated matter of fact that i was uncomfortable with how intimate she and my husband are. I asked to speak more with her and get to know her better.

She has not responded, to me anyway. she did tell my husband about the message and told him she "didnt know what to do"

Am I wrong for continuing to confront this issue? I cant see why she cant talk to me when she obviously speaks to my husband and both my sister wives.

this has become a very hard place for me as I really want to get over jealousies / insecurities in the relationship as my husband has mentioned wanting another wife.

This is causing problems between my husband and I and I want to stop it on my end if it is my problem to fix.

open to any advice..I am at a loss..

Thank you,

 

[CecilW]

Dear Barb:

First of all, Welcome to Biblical Families. We look forward to making your acquaintance.

2nd, Congratulations on nearly 12 years of successful marriage, Plural or otherwise. You are doing something right!

3rd, I'm not a woman, so can offer but limited advice, but here is an observation gleaned from years in this movement: The NEWEST wife, whether she's the only, 2nd, 3rd, whatever, seems to ALWAYS get these uncomfortable, possibly jealous, feelings when hubby expresses an interest in a new woman.

It seems to be accompanied by the same gamut of feelings, insecurities, and questions. "Why am I not enough? What have I done wrong? What does SHE have that I don't?" etc.

And it often gets expressed as an uneasy feeling about the new person.

Unfortunately that, in turn, is so predictable that it DOES get dismissed. Validly? Invalidly? Dunno. But when these other symptoms are clearly in play, the man is pretty durn likely to dismiss the newest wife's "supposed" uneasiness as being, in reality, something else.

So the best advice that I, as a guy, can think of to offer would be to work on your own attitudes as regards the family and your husband's possibly adding thereto. Once you have dealt with those feelings in private with God, and are in a place where you can truly welcome an addition, then it might be a better time to begin working on a relationship with a / the new prospect.

It seems to me that any attempt to do so in the meantime will involve her having to deal with YOUR current load of "junk". And why would she want to do that? She's looking for a healthy relationship -- which she apparently thinks is available with DH, SW1, and SW2. Right?

Now, those are MY ideas. Perhaps some other members, some of them women, may have better advice. But one more thing I would suggest. The Ladies get on a Ladies Only chat on Tuesday evenings. You can find connection info in the Resources tabs above. It might well be worthwhile to join in, get acquainted, etc. There are some pretty awesome women there.

 

[captainjonathan]

Cecil,

That dialog seemed to remind me of one from a TV show. Please elaborate on the source.

I was all for that speech when I first read it. It does ignore one BIG issue. Jealousy is NOT bad. It just needs to be in the right area. God says that one of His names is Jealous. I am jealous of my wife, and will be of wife v2.0 hehhehhe. The issue (look at Jewish response to gentile salvation) is jealousy of the one to whom we belong. We keep wanting to think we own God, no we belong to God. We are created to please Him. It is a benevolent monarchy/ dictatorship. At the risk of getting vital parts of my anatomy slammed vigorously in the portal, women were created as helpmates and if the relationship is a parallel, then God is "Owner" to man as Man is "owner" to X. I don't know how to put it more softly. we have all discussed the Greek and Hebrew. We know men are supposed to be as "Christ" to their wives and wives to submit as to Christ. There is no way around the language and meaning, though each time I approach this I shake with fear to speak it. Done in a God fearing manner "ownership" is awesome. Think about how we treat a beloved classic or brand new car that we OWN, vs how we treat a RENTAL.

 

[captainjonathan]

and.... just read your newest post on jealousy in the other section, which much more eloquently says what I was just trying to say.

 

[CecilW]

and.... just read your newest post on jealousy in the other section, which much more eloquently says what I was just trying to say.

Stinker! It was also earlier in THIS thread! :lol: :lol: :lol:

NOT on TV, I'm afraid. Or at least not so far as I know. Came out of my over-heated head... :?

 

[barb Jackson]

Thank you for your input Cecil W! I appreciate it and I am in contact with the ladies group, again thanks. only one thing that doesn't fit with your response... DH told me that this woman is ONLY A FRIEND and no love interest at all. and it is a topic of much hard feelings and he quickly defends this lady against anything i may think...
I Just feel betrayed and lied to.

 

[CecilW]

Is it possible, Barb, that he is telling the truth? That although he cares for her, and enjoys her friendship, and is seeing to her spiritual growth, and actually does want a 4th wife, SHE'S NOT THE ONE?

Any reason to feel betrayed and lied to other than a voice in your head saying that the above isn't possible?

If not, trust until you can't, I guess. *sigh*

 

[barb Jackson]

Cecil thanks for your insight and help. you are right, I must trust in lack of reason not to.
I appreciate you for "listening"

 

[CecilW]

YW, Barb. Any time.

 

[Lila]

Thanks CecilW, that's a good post indeed. In fact, I was looking exactly for something like that..