Interesting video on 'coming out'....

[PeteR]

While on my morning commute today, I heard an interesting TED talk by the spouse of someone who came out of the closet. Yes, this is a talk by a Christian lady about her husband revealing that he is gay, however she makes several very solid and well developed points about how a marriage is rocked and healed with the revelation of a HUGE change.

Much of her advice and thought, in my experience, directly relates to the challenges of embracing PM and having to reveal to an unsuspecting spouse.

Discuss.

 

[aineo]

Admittedly, I wasn’t watching this closely, but I didn’t pick up on “how a marriage is healed”. I guess I just saw that she described how to handle such a big change in the “best” way. Like I said, I might have missed it though.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

So, I wasn’t taking notes, but the thing I got was that when you have come to the point that you have figured out that poly is acceptable, and you are “coming out” to your spouse about it, tell the whole truth and walk humbly. That’s what I got.

In my case, it was quite a bit different as we were watching and discussing the same shows together. Now its true that I did a huge portion of the studying, but I didnt wait until I had come to a final conclusion to say, “hey, baby! Lookit what I found!” Instead, I would often and regularly verbalize my findings and thoughts on contradictions and conclusions as I was learning so that we learned together. I didnt plan it that way, that’s just our story. I think I prefer that to the “coming out” party described above.

 

[steve]

I’m with Vv76.
It wasn’t an unveiling so much as a dawning with us, albeit with me much in advance of her thoughts and feelings.

A couple of thoughts:
1). For the LGBT community, coming out means exposing who they have been and who they are.
For the poly community, the exposure should be about the path that you would like to take. You are not a polygynist until you have taken a second wife. Messing around may have convinced you to choose to become poly, but it doesn’t make you an actual polygynist, whereas messing around with the opposite sex does define you.
2). The “Find others that are having/have had your experience” advice is spot on. That is one of the reasons that this site exists. Women, especially, need a support community.
(retreats, people! I won’t mention the ladies retreat that starts today......)

 

[andrew]

Disclaimer: Haven't watched the vid yet. Should get to it this weekend.

What Steve said about the difference. For almost all of us it's a gradual process in working out in our heads (a) what the bible really says, (b) what the significance is in our own lives, if any, and (c) if this is something we're supposed to walk out, how the heck do we make it work? Generally the wife is involved in that process long before you actually take the plunge. It would be more analogous to having a close friend as a teenager in whom you confide that you "might be gay", and have the long conversations about why you might or might not be, before many months or even years later you decide to actually act on whatever you decide.

Another difference is the cultural difference today between acceptance or even celebration of homosexuality v. rejection or even persecution of polygamy. That and the 'gay gene', or whatever placeholder you want to use for the unscientific idea that homosexuality is just something that happens to you that you can't help. Puts a different vibe on the whole "I'm going to tell everybody who I 'really' am" process.

That said, I can relate to the points AP was making, and there is typically some point at which the first wife has to process this "who are you and what have you done with my husband" experience as the situation unfolds, and we should take that pretty seriously.