Interested in advice

[Stranger]

Greetings,

I am happily married in a monogamous relationship with the love of my life. She and I were both raised in well functioning monogamous families. I was never morally opposed to polygamy, though I thought (and maybe still do) that monogamy better reflected the relationship of Christ and the Church and was therefore to be preferred.
Presently however I have a situation I am attempting to discern how best to handle and it occurred to me that polygamy might be part of the solution so I wanted to get the perspective of people who are comfortable with polygamy as a concept and practice.

The situation is this:
My wife has a tendency towards insecurity and often feels inadequate and/or like she is holding me back in life. I do my best to encourage her when she feels like this and to reassure her that I chose her because I love her and that she is in no way a burden to me but a blessing. Nevertheless these feelings of her's recur now and then and what words I can say do not seem to asuage her emotional turmoil long term.
Moreover these feelings have on more than one occasion led her to ask me if I would like to leave her. Again, when this comes up I reassure her that I love her, that she is the greatest blessing God has ever bestowed on me, and that I want to share all of my life with her.
However she is so convinced that she is somehow a burden to me that my unwillingness to leave her has caused her contemplate suicide so that I could be "free" to find someone else. Ironically all the while this leaves me feeling inadequate due to my inability to answer her anguish in any way that gives her lasting comfort.
Anyway, the thought occurred to me last night that if and when this issue arrises again I could try addressing this situation in the following manner:
Acknowledge how she feels while reaffirming that I do not view her in this manner but that since she is convinced of it and that since the two options she currently contemplates as resolutions are not ones that would be good by any stretch of the imagination, give her the third option to search and find someone that she would be happy with me marrying that she thinks would fulfil the areas where she thinks she lacks. Not to leave her for the "new girl" but rather to be married to them both.
I am uncertain however if this would actually help resolve the issue.
For additional context: she feels like she is a burden because she thinks she is too needy (she has Crohn's disease and consequently can't eat a wide range of common foods) and that that will prevent me from living the kind of life I want to live (I'd like to be able to live with minimum dependence on money so that I can maximize the ammount of time I serve God by caring for her and others in love rather than serving mammon). I should note that I discovered the desire to live this after I married her because of how much better and more meaningful doing things for her and others directly rather than through the medium of cash seems to be.
She feels like she is inadequate because she has reading comprehension issues that make reading the Bible difficult and/or unenjoyable and consequently rarely reads or discusses Biblical topics with me. On the other hand she continually astounds me in her capacity to percieve needs in others and to go out of her way to help them, so while I may not get to talk with her about God's word as much as I'd like, I get to live it with her much more than I could have ever hoped for.
Other things that might be relevant: she is seeing a therapist and I have fertility issues that prevent us from getting pregnant, though we do plan to adopt when we are able.

 

[Quartus]

Greetings and Welcome. I hope you find a good resolution to your problem here.

Just a couple of thoughts to start the ball rolling - there are plenty of recordings of Bible Chapters online that you could work through with your wife and discuss together. Genesis would be a great place to start because you'd soon get to Abraham and Sarah which is the most detailed record of any marriage in scripture and which would include polygamy at Sarah's instigation.

There are also some polygamy films which you could watch together to test the waters, but I wouldn't be the best person to find links to the best ones for you.

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

Hi and welcome!
I don’t really have much input to give and only you will know what is the best way to do things in your family. From reading your post, I can relate to some of her insecurities and emotions (although my insecurities came up from plural being an option)- but nonetheless, women can relate to the irrational feelings that come up from feeling inadequate.

One thing that stuck out to me in your post that you may want to look at more would be the root to the things she is dealing with. It may be more simply a deficiency causing the imbalance in her body- therefore, resulting in the emotional highs and lows. I highly recommend reading or getting the audio book Magnesium Miracle and integrating a good absorbable form of magnesium. Depression and chrons can both be a sign of a deficiency. I am no doctor, so take that with a grain of salt. However, I have personally seen the benefits of good magnesium in my life.

 

[Stranger]

I'm not exactly wanting to approach this that way. Because she has a lower level of Biblical literacy than me (even if you aren't considering the reading comprehension issue, she was raised in an unchurched family and has only been a believer for 10 years whereas I was raised in a Christian family and went to a Christian school where my dad was the Bible teacher) she tends to feel like I have an unfair advantage in any scriptural disagreements we may have. Even if she were correct in her perspective on an area where we disagreed, I'd probably be able to cite more verses in context anyway. I think I need to find a way to discern her perspective first anyway as I am mainly thinking about going this route for the sake of her emotional well-being anyway. If she is opposed to it or even would just react badly to it emotionally I wouldn't want to breach the subject.
I also avoid picking the movies we watch together as I have a higher tolerance for death in movies than she does. First movie I recommended to her that she watched was The Cross and the Switchblade. This was when we had just started talking and before she told me that she is unable to emotionally distinguish between real life and movies. Turned out it was a bit traumatizing for her.

Greetings and Welcome. I hope you find a good resolution to your problem here.

Just a couple of thoughts to start the ball rolling - there are plenty of recordings of Bible Chapters online that you could work through with your wife and discuss together. Genesis would be a great place to start because you'd soon get to Abraham and Sarah which is the most detailed record of any marriage in scripture and which would include polygamy at Sarah's instigation.

There are also some polygamy films which you could watch together to test the waters, but I wouldn't be the best person to find links to the best ones for you.

 

[Stranger]

Thanks for the recommendations. She does take a variety of supplements already though I am unsure whether or not magnesium is among them. So far the best control method we've come up with is dietary: a year ago we saw a dietician who recommended that she get tested for food sensitivities. We did this and then conducted an elimination diet based on the results. Since the elimination diet and subsequent dietary restrictions she has been asymptomatic and her inflammation level has dropped considerably. The lack of flareups has reduced the frequency of emotional turmoil but not eliminated it.

Hi and welcome!
I don’t really have much input to give and only you will know what is the best way to do things in your family. From reading your post, I can relate to some of her insecurities and emotions (although my insecurities came up from plural being an option)- but nonetheless, women can relate to the irrational feelings that come up from feeling inadequate.

One thing that stuck out to me in your post that you may want to look at more would be the root to the things she is dealing with. It may be more simply a deficiency causing the imbalance in her body- therefore, resulting in the emotional highs and lows. I highly recommend reading or getting the audio book Magnesium Miracle and integrating a good absorbable form of magnesium. Depression and chrons can both be a sign of a deficiency. I am no doctor, so take that with a grain of salt. However, I have personally seen the benefits of good magnesium in my life.

 

[steve]

Logically, that idea might work out well.
The problem is that you are not dealing with a logical person, you have a wife with deep emotional issues. You would risk too much in a gamble like this.

Love her, care for her, but most of all pray for her. She is your main ministry.
Maybe, down the road a bit, you can bring her to a place of strength from which you can both minister to another.

 

[Stranger]

Loving her is my first priority and I will continue to pray for her. I don't think I'd take action on an idea like this without knowing with a strong degree of certainty that it would not worsen her emotional state anyway.
The most important thing would be to make clear that I am not asking for another wife but letting her know that if she feels like I need "someone else" that it is in her power to find such a person but that even if I had the kind of person she thinks I need it would not reduce my love or commitment to her but that for her sake I would share that love and commitment with the other person likewise.
Unfortunately high degrees of certainty are jard to come by, especially regarding emotional reactions to novel ideas and situations. So it is more likely than not that this will remain an untested hypothesis.
But it is not likely that I will be abl

Logically, that idea might work out well.
The problem is that you are not dealing with a logical person, you have a wife with deep emotional issues. You would risk too much in a gamble like this.

Love her, care for her, but most of all pray for her. She is your main ministry.
Maybe, down the road a bit, you can bring her to a place of strength from which you can both minister to another.

 

[frederick]

One thing that stuck out to me in your post that you may want to look at more would be the root to the things she is dealing with. It may be more simply a deficiency causing the imbalance in her body- therefore, resulting in the emotional highs and lows. I highly recommend reading or getting the audio book Magnesium Miracle and integrating a good absorbable form of magnesium. Depression and chrons can both be a sign of a deficiency. I am no doctor, so take that with a grain of salt. However, I have personally seen the benefits of good magnesium in my life.

My wife who is a doctor encouraged us to take vitamins C and D regularly because of covid. My other wife, who has had insecurity and emotional highs and lows all the years we've been together, is like a different person now. The difference is almost miraculous. We've come to realise that optimum vitamin D levels play a significant part in regulating the emotional swings my wife experiences and I'm very grateful for the results. If you haven't tried it, it's an inexpensive and easily obtained option to consider.

Regarding offering your wife to consider a second wife; I'd recommend you don't start down the road to polygyny that way. If you put your wife in the driver's seat to begin with, you may not get control back again and that could have disastrous consequences - especially in an emotionally charged situation down the road somewhere. Keep your hands on the wheel and stay in control. Shalom

 

[steve]

The most important thing would be to make clear that I am not asking for another wife but letting her know that if she feels like I need "someone else" that it is in her power to find such a person but that even if I had the kind of person she thinks I need it would not reduce my love or commitment to her but that for her sake I would share that love and commitment with the other person likewise.

Very logical, but there is a large possibility that putting the idea on the table will cause a reaction in her.

@frederick has an excellent take also.

 

[Pacman]

Don't do it this way. It will not turn out well.

 

[FollowingHim2]

I've been really struggling with what to say to this. My initial gut reaction is the one I think I'll go with.

Do not do this. Your wife is depressed. Telling her about polygyny could destroy her. When most women find out about it, it adds anxiety. It takes time to deal with that anxiety and work through the emotions and lies. Your wife is not in a place to do this with something else.
She also is not ready to have another wife in the house. I know that's not what you're talking about, but that's where she will go with this in her mind. If there was even the remote possibility of you finding another wife, I'm telling you that your wife would never deal with that in the state she's in right now.

What she needs is you to 100% be focused on her. She truly needs you to keep working on building her up, not telling her that you could easily replace her (again, I know that's not what you mean, but that's how she will see it).

Now for some questions.
Is the therapist that she is seeing a Christian?
How long has she been unwell, both physically and mentally?
Have you looked into the possibility of this being an attack on her and/or your marriage?

 

[steve]

I've been really struggling with what to say to this. My initial gut reaction is the one I think I'll go with.

Do not do this. Your wife is depressed. Telling her about polygyny could destroy her. When most women find out about it, it adds anxiety. It takes time to deal with that anxiety and work through the emotions and lies. Your wife is not in a place to do this with something else.
She also is not ready to have another wife in the house. I know that's not what you're talking about, but that's where she will go with this in her mind. If there was even the remote possibility of you finding another wife, I'm telling you that your wife would never deal with that in the state she's in right now.

What she needs is you to 100% be focused on her. She truly needs you to keep working on building her up, not telling her that you could easily replace her (again, I know that's not what you mean, but that's how she will see it).

Now for some questions.
Is the therapist that she is seeing a Christian?
How long has she been unwell, both physically and mentally?
Have you looked into the possibility of this being an attack on her and/or your marriage?

You say it so much better than I could.
It’s what I was struggling to say.

 

[MrB]

Is the therapist that she is seeing a Christian?

I did think that Christian therapists where better but now I’m not so sure. I find it hard to trust an industry that effectively profits more from clients remaining unwell for longer. Christian or not.
A good group of functioning friends can be of greater benefit. (Notice I used the word functioning ).
A therapist has there place, useful in some cases but IMO they are a little over rated.
Close Friends have more to gain if you get better.
Understanding polygamy is the door that leads to understanding your role as husband and her role as a wife.
Another wife is not the solution, (for now)
Be the best husband you can , don’t worry to much the rest will naturally fall into place in time.

 

[Stranger]

Thanks, I think the advice given thus far makes sense. Whether or not the reasoning may be sound, I need to be wise concerning her emotional state. This idea generally may have a place in our relationship at some future time but it has to be from a position of strength on her part.
The therapist she is seeing is a Christian and former minister. I am not sure how much benefit she derives from the meetings and I have opined in the past that advice from a person you know well personally and respect the opinion of is worth far more than that of a professional therapist. Differing views on how best to value things is one area of our relationship that is still under development.
She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease around 10 years ago. Her mental state is predominantly the consequence of losing many people she is close to in her life. In the seven months leading up to our wedding she lost her cat to kidney failure, a friend to suicide, and her father to heart failure (2 months before our planned wedding date). The rest of her life wasn't much easier and hardly a month passes where she can't think of some friend or family member of hers who has died in that month. Consequently she is in the difficult position of often feeling like she can't trust God.

The good news is that she has been asymptomatic on the Crohn's front since the dietary changes and lost 50lbs.

The emotional front has improved significantly in terms of the regularity of her depression. It still hits her relatively hard now and then and she tends to jump to the conclusion that things are her fault far too quickly. Finding out that our fertility issues stemmed from me rather than her was a blessing in this regard as it was driving her a little crazy trying to figure out why she wasn't conceiving during our first year of trying. The most consistent motif though is the assessment she has made of herself that she is a burden or somehow holding me back in life.

I presume that this is likely an attack in some respect but I take courage in the fact that there has been progress made on both fronts, by the grace of God.

I've been really struggling with what to say to this. My initial gut reaction is the one I think I'll go with.

Do not do this. Your wife is depressed. Telling her about polygyny could destroy her. When most women find out about it, it adds anxiety. It takes time to deal with that anxiety and work through the emotions and lies. Your wife is not in a place to do this with something else.
She also is not ready to have another wife in the house. I know that's not what you're talking about, but that's where she will go with this in her mind. If there was even the remote possibility of you finding another wife, I'm telling you that your wife would never deal with that in the state she's in right now.

What she needs is you to 100% be focused on her. She truly needs you to keep working on building her up, not telling her that you could easily replace her (again, I know that's not what you mean, but that's how she will see it).

Now for some questions.
Is the therapist that she is seeing a Christian?
How long has she been unwell, both physically and mentally?
Have you looked into the possibility of this being an attack on her and/or your marriage?

 

[rockfox]

Your approach to polygamy is trying to fix her issue. She may simply just need you to listen and reassure.

Bringing up poly may well only confirm her fears, not reassure her.

I did think that Christian therapists where better but now I’m not so sure

Me too, but now I don't expect them to be much different than most Christians and so potentially counterproductive.

The therapist she is seeing is a Christian and former minister.

Is the therapist a man or woman?

 

[julieb]

The most consistent motif though is the assessment she has made of herself that she is a burden or somehow holding me back in life.

@Stranger, I commend you for being such a dedicated husband to your wife who is struggling with lots of different issues. The above quote sums it all up for me, though. She was told a lie regarding her worth many years ago and is holding on to it for, I am sure, various reasons. I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show her what that moment was in her life and that He would show her what the Truth really is regarding whatever happened then. Personally, I would also pray for curses said over her by a family member or a friend. Words are powerful and can bring negative spiritual consequences to us if spoken "over" us by some person. She has probably spent years pivoting between wanting to feel she has some value in life, to being over whelmed with the feeling worthless so why try anymore. I don't think any amount of words from you will be able to shine the light of truth on this lie. I suspect it has been around for a very long time and has woven itself within the definition of herself. Only God can reveal what the Truth is to her and remove the lie from her spirit. But you have the important position of being her Spiritual leader and thus can ask God to move in her spirit and reveal what needs to be revealed, along with lovingly push her to face her negative thoughts. I suspect you are up for this emotionally draining task since you are contemplating marrying another woman to some how make things better for her emotionally. I also believe that if this root issue is dealt with then you will be astounded at how many other issues start disappearing.

I recommend the book, Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge, or something similar, after the lie has been dealt with. It will give her some truth to dwell on. Along with all the things you have been telling her for years.

I do understand that I am basing all of this on a "few" words that you have written. I can only hope that you will reap something good from my thoughts.

 

[steve]

@Stranger, I commend you for being such a dedicated husband to your wife who is struggling with lots of different issues. The above quote sums it all up for me, though. She was told a lie regarding her worth many years ago and is holding on to it for, I am sure, various reasons. I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show her what that moment was in her life and that He would show her what the Truth really is regarding whatever happened then. Personally, I would also pray for curses said over her by a family member or a friend. Words are powerful and can bring negative spiritual consequences to us if spoken "over" us by some person. She has probably spent years pivoting between wanting to feel she has some value in life, to being over whelmed with the feeling worthless so why try anymore. I don't think any amount of words from you will be able to shine the light of truth on this lie. I suspect it has been around for a very long time and has woven itself within the definition of herself. Only God can reveal what the Truth is to her and remove the lie from her spirit. But you have the important position of being her Spiritual leader and thus can ask God to move in her spirit and reveal what needs to be revealed, along with lovingly push her to face her negative thoughts. I suspect you are up for this emotionally draining task since you are contemplating marrying another woman to some how make things better for her emotionally. I also believe that if this root issue is dealt with then you will be astounded at how many other issues start disappearing.

I recommend the book, Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge, or something similar, after the lie has been dealt with. It will give her some truth to dwell on. Along with all the things you have been telling her for years.

I do understand that I am basing all of this on a "few" words that you have written. I can only hope that you will reap something good from my thoughts.

Excellent

 

[Stranger]

The therapist is a man. I have joined her for a couple or sessions when she has asked me to and he doesn't seem to give bad advice or anything. For the most part he just asks questions and occasionally makes a recommendation.

Your approach to polygamy is trying to fix her issue. She may simply just need you to listen and reassure.

Bringing up poly may well only confirm her fears, not reassure her.



Me too, but now I don't expect them to be much different than most Christians and so potentially counterproductive.



Is the therapist a man or woman?

 

[Raw Truth]

First of all, I would never allow my women to go see a male therapist. As the head of household, it's better for you to be that source. I wouldn't allow them to see a therapist period. This is because the Father is our only therapist- we get help and guidance from Him. You need to know your relationship with the Father is strong, so you can feel confident your prayers will be answered on his timing.

Second thing: So if she is feeling like she is a burden to you, and you've already tried to address it by letting her know she is not, (but she can obviously see somehow she is) then you have to perfect chance to introduce her to polygyny by saying "I think I know of a way to get us some help."
But you can't bring polygyny to her until she is no longer seeing a therapist. The male therapist will shut that down. You have another man in your relationship right now to who she will bring all of this. Is the therapist someone from your church? Does he share your beliefs? Regardless, I would recommend no therapist if possible and you be the one she talks to. For this to happen, you have to have a strong relationship with the Father. You can't embark upon polygyny righteously until you are strong in your understanding of it and strong in your life with the Father. Your wife also has to have a strong relationship and fear of the Father for polygyny to work biblically.

The third option that you want to bring to her of polygyny is a great option. BUT you have to be the one to start teaching her AND be her therapist. You have to teach her polygyny from the scriptures, and teach her about submission. One of my wives has a blog, that talks about polygyny and submission from a woman's perspective- it's UnEditedBiblicalSubmission.wordpress.com. She talks to women- for women - about these issues from a biblical base. I have to give her the OK on all her posts, so nothing goes up that I haven't pre-approved.

 

[Raw Truth]

Thanks, I think the advice given thus far makes sense. Whether or not the reasoning may be sound, I need to be wise concerning her emotional state. This idea generally may have a place in our relationship at some future time but it has to be from a position of strength on her part.
The therapist she is seeing is a Christian and former minister. I am not sure how much benefit she derives from the meetings and I have opined in the past that advice from a person you know well personally and respect the opinion of is worth far more than that of a professional therapist. Differing views on how best to value things is one area of our relationship that is still under development.
She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease around 10 years ago. Her mental state is predominantly the consequence of losing many people she is close to in her life. In the seven months leading up to our wedding she lost her cat to kidney failure, a friend to suicide, and her father to heart failure (2 months before our planned wedding date). The rest of her life wasn't much easier and hardly a month passes where she can't think of some friend or family member of hers who has died in that month. Consequently she is in the difficult position of often feeling like she can't trust God.

The good news is that she has been asymptomatic on the Crohn's front since the dietary changes and lost 50lbs.

The emotional front has improved significantly in terms of the regularity of her depression. It still hits her relatively hard now and then and she tends to jump to the conclusion that things are her fault far too quickly. Finding out that our fertility issues stemmed from me rather than her was a blessing in this regard as it was driving her a little crazy trying to figure out why she wasn't conceiving during our first year of trying. The most consistent motif though is the assessment she has made of herself that she is a burden or somehow holding me back in life.

I presume that this is likely an attack in some respect but I take courage in the fact that there has been progress made on both fronts, by the grace of God.

In my above advice, I asked if the therapist is a Christian but I saw my answer in this post. I still stand on all that I wrote in my post above though. There are so many denominations of Christians, if he doesn't support your beliefs on polygyny, it works against you. But again I say- no male therapist is the way to go. Even if it is a paster. If anything, you go see the male paster and then teach her at home.