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I want to do what's right; it's an inner battle

Jessie

Jessie

Member
Real Person*
Female
As things become more real in mine and my husbands talk about a 2nd wife, my innermost demon comes out in fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to be swept under the rug and I am jealous of sharing what was only mine for 9 yrs. In those 9 yrs we have come to the best part of our marriage that ever could be. We are even happier then when we were even dating if you can believe that. But anyway, I actually thought I had wiped that demon away free and clear but it's not totally gone. I absolutely hate feeling like I hold the reigns in our marriage with my feelings. I don't want to do that. But that side of me that has had only him for 9 yrs needs to open her and her husbands heart and home for another. The anxiety has even impacted my health. If you know anxiety you know you cannot control that. It's not just as simple as praying and your body is healed when it comes to this. In some ways I wish he would just bring home a Mrs today so I can just rip that bandage off immediately, fast, I don't need to think about it anymore cause it's already a done deal. All I have to do next in that situation is be the best 1st wife at that point. The place from point A to point B is not so easy as I once thought it would be. I love talking about all the greatness of point B but reality sets in for myself. This is dumb but I remember the first time I bungee jumped. Nobody pushed me. I had to jump myself. Was the worst experience of my life. Lol. Will never do it again. Then I remember the first time I decided to be a submissive wife. The Lord was working on me. I listened and jumped. It was the best decision of my life. Reality is you just don't know til you are there IN THE MOMENT I feel I have learned.
 
Jessie said:
In some ways I wish he would just bring home a Mrs today so I can just rip that bandage off immediately,
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I know exactly what you mean. I've struggled with all these feelings too, and continue to often. I've learned what helps me get out of anxiety is finding out what I'm anxious about. Sometimes that's really hard since emotions aren't always logical but once I follow it back and see that I'm anxious because of A,B and C - I can start addressing them and feel better. I think it's part of taking all thoughts captive. If I allow myself to think even small thoughts of abandonment or fear they will eventually balloon up into anxiety or jealousy. I wish you and your husband all the best, and I really do empathize with what you've written. It sounds like you are on the right path though, it just is a little bumpy. :)
 
@Jessie I can relate to you making yourself do crazy things like bungee jumping! :)
Not because I have done that, but because I like pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Being a submissive wife is where the blessings are. It took me a while to learn that. I can relate to marriage getting better then you thought it could be, and to wishing that hypothetical sisterwife would just get here already with all her faults and assets so I could live the reality that is only imagined.

Life is a total adventure and walking by faith being happy with each step is tough for enthusiastic people (like myself) that want to skip ahead to the happy ending.

Rainy recently recommended a book that sounded awesome for helping one cope with competitive insecurities.

Letting go is the most freeing thing ever.

The serenity prayer is really powerful to me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just keep faith and lean on your husband while you wait to see what God has for your future. I suspect its gonna be AWESOME! :D
 
I appreciate your anxiety and it is perfectly normal.

The thing is unless you already have someone lined up or you are going to invite in any meth addict from the street, it is really hard to find a second wife that is going to be a blessing to your family.

The more common path is that 10 years from now your anxiety will be replaced by sadness that you were not able to find anyone.

Best wishes.

P.S. I have remarked to my wife how special are the women who have fought that inner battle within themselves. It is hard to explain, but the character difference is huge. It truly is a Romans 12 transformation.
 
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cnystrom said:
Have never done it. Will never do it. Don't need to do it. Don't need the adrenaline rush. :)
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:);) If you love sex THEN you will really LOVE bungee jumping because it is a RUSH!! A mind blowing experience .:cool::D:rolleyes:

Deep down inside you know you want to try it :p:D

@Proverbs3.5 is sitting here shaking her head and telling me I am not right.
 
Edward said:
:);) If you love sex THEN you will really LOVE bungee jumping because it is a RUSH!! A mind blowing experience .:cool::D:rolleyes:

Deep down inside you know you want to try it :p:D

@Proverbs3.5 is sitting here shaking her head and telling me I am not right.
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Keep in mind that I'm a certified high sensation seeker, but bungee jumping is something I've consistently passed on. I have no doubt that it's a rush, and, as one who loves heights and jumping into voids, I am certain I would love most aspects of bungee jumping. It's just that I watched people doing it before I entered into doing it myself, and there's a whipsaw thing going on with the majority of bungee jumps when it reaches its apex that creates more risk of spinal damage than I wanted to flirt with -- because that would have stopped me from all the other risky things I was doing!

BTW, I just spanked myself for further dragging this thread off its original intentions.

Thank you, Jessie for being so willing to share.
 
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