If a woman is interested in marrying you but expects you not to marry other people should that be a deal breaker?
-
Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.
Hypothetically should monogamy only be a dealbreaker
- Thread starter DiscussingTheTopic
- Start date
I don't think its a deal-breaker to discuss it, or for her to express that to be her desire. It is then for the man to decide if he can live within that framework. He's going in eyes wide open, knowing that plural is an option and agreeing to stay monogamous for this one woman. However, if she demands this, then not only is it still up to the man to agree or not, but she is already setting the authoritative tone for the family.
In short, i don't think it's a deal breaker in itself unless the husband-to-be decides it is. Deal-breakers, in general, are very personal pass/fail qualifiers that will be different for each person.
In short, i don't think it's a deal breaker in itself unless the husband-to-be decides it is. Deal-breakers, in general, are very personal pass/fail qualifiers that will be different for each person.
Exactly. There's nothing wrong with monogamy. It's awesome! So he could choose to promise her that. Or choose not to make that promise and see if that's a "deal-breaker" for her instead. Much prayer should be involved in making the serious decision of how to proceed, to ensure that God's will is being followed and not impeded.
My wife negotiated this clause in our marriage contract. She later decided to waive it.
And I don't think she was taking authority. She dealt openly and honestly and we came to an agreement we both could live with.
The question becomes can you luv with it? If she never waives that clause in her marriage contract are you going to be satisfied and keep your end of the bargain?
And I don't think she was taking authority. She dealt openly and honestly and we came to an agreement we both could live with.
The question becomes can you luv with it? If she never waives that clause in her marriage contract are you going to be satisfied and keep your end of the bargain?
Tough one if you are going into it with this knowledge of biblical marriage before tying the knot. Most of us negotiated out of it after vowing monogamy.
I would suggest taking the same route we all did, but in reverse. Counsel, study, pray, discuss with her all your reasons and proofs before taking the plunge.
After all that, and she still insists on monogamy??? Go as you please, but as NetWR said, she is setting you up to have her be the role of final authority in marriage. She may be worth it, though. If you find a wife, you've found a good thing! Unless you've got someone else lined up already, though, it may be moot because 99.9% of church going women ain't going down that road anyway. How many guys on here have waited, but are yet to find???
Just saying.
I would suggest taking the same route we all did, but in reverse. Counsel, study, pray, discuss with her all your reasons and proofs before taking the plunge.
After all that, and she still insists on monogamy??? Go as you please, but as NetWR said, she is setting you up to have her be the role of final authority in marriage. She may be worth it, though. If you find a wife, you've found a good thing! Unless you've got someone else lined up already, though, it may be moot because 99.9% of church going women ain't going down that road anyway. How many guys on here have waited, but are yet to find???
Just saying.
Hypothetically, if God is the one responsible for bringing who he wants together, and the Adowns role is stewardship, how could the steward knowingly promise the stewarded anything that could be contrary to the Masters will?
Any promise given should include a caveat such as "if it is His will". If He brings you another, great. If not, still rejoice with the wife of your youth.
All you can truly promise is to be a faithful steward/husband over the people He's intrusted to your care
Any promise given should include a caveat such as "if it is His will". If He brings you another, great. If not, still rejoice with the wife of your youth.
All you can truly promise is to be a faithful steward/husband over the people He's intrusted to your care
Okay, let's take the hypothetical out of it and ask straight up..."Does God himself bring all marriages together?" Is God up there pulling all the strings and joining folks together? How does it all work? Scripture only please.
This is kind of a blanket statement/question based upon the same shakey ground as election. Does God foreknow all? Y. Does He predestinate all? Yes, It is not His will that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. Do these constants dictate our destiny? No. Our destiny is a personal choice. "He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life.
Can God bring our wives to us? He did with Adam
Can we covenant without God bringing our wives to us? The Israelites did it all throughout their history by marrying women forbidden to them.
All marriages? No. Those who are His stewards? If they are submitted to His will and direction. Obviously one has the free will to choose a wife against his wishes as was perhaps the case with some of Solomons wives.
Just some quick references and examples
David is mentioned as taking more wives than the ones he had when he came to Jerusalem, yet we are all familiar with the passage in 2 Sam. 12:7&8 Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;
And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things.
It's interesting to note that God is not stated as giving David his wives previous to "thy master's wives". Does God give some and not others?
Hosea is told to marry 2 women of specific character, but not a specific woman. In the words of Mark Gungor, "Pick a hoe, any hoe, Ho, Ho, Ho.
The marriage of Joseph and Mary is a great example. Did God bring them together? If you argue in the affirmative, where's the biblical proof? If you argue in the negative, how do you explain the two genealogies? Joseph, from the house of David, Mary from the house of Nathan (David's son named after the prophet Nathan) Zechariah 12:12
Can God bring a woman to a trustee/steward and the trustee/steward refuse responsibility for that woman? Sure
Can a man covenant with a woman that God has not brought to him? Certainly, I still believe that God records or recognizes this covenant and will hold him accountable to biblical standards for stewardship. Can one who does not claim Christianity be given a wife by God? How about Esther? The results of this union is most likely Cyrus who was prophecied over 100 years before his birth.
Final conclusion: Obviously, I can't speak for God in this matter. You're asking the wrong person. I can only state what I have observed.
There is very little direct scripture to cover this. It does say he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing but there is very little to suggest that God ordains individual marriages on a regular basis. This would seem to jive with Paul leaving it up to the person if they feel a need to marry or not.
Let me ask a question, purely hypothetically...but it might help to rephrase what MAY be a related issue...
If you are talking about entering into Covenant with a woman who will not accept the authority of Scripture, why do you think she'll accept YOURS in it?
If you are talking about entering into Covenant with a woman who will not accept the authority of Scripture, why do you think she'll accept YOURS in it?
YUGE!
I ask in a general sense for monogamy, but the application of that answer would only be compounded in polygyny.
It seems to me that the modern church has overly emphasized finding "the spouse God has for you" so much that young women especially find themselves frozen and afraid to make the wrong choice of a spouse. They delay marriage hoping to find that ordained "one".
Then, you take a woman and ask her to marry a man who already has a wife???
It seems to me that the modern church has overly emphasized finding "the spouse God has for you" so much that young women especially find themselves frozen and afraid to make the wrong choice of a spouse. They delay marriage hoping to find that ordained "one".
Then, you take a woman and ask her to marry a man who already has a wife???
But would she buy a model of car nobody else drives?
I say that only partially tongue-in-cheek; throughout much of Biblical times, men who could demonstrate ability to cover a wife in Covenant were clearly in greater demand.
Truthfully, however, when it comes to "what the 'modern church' has emphasized" -- there's a reason why my ministry message for years now has been "come out of her." (And those who have heard my Torah teachings and references to the 'whore church' described in such vivid detail in places like Jeremiah chapter 3, Ezekiel 23, and indeed most of prophecy AND the history of two houses -- BOTH eventually sent into exile "for cause" -- know why.)
The last few teachings on my website make the point, albeit without any attempt to "pull any punches," for a meat-ready audience .
Last edited:
I used lower case "church". I didn't want to wade into the whole question of what constitutes "the Church" (visible/invisible, present/future) but I totally understand what you mean about having to come out.
I attend a brick and mortar church that I still feel comfortable in. I've had discussions about many "controversial" topics, including polygyny, with my pastor. His quip about polygyny was that "it may not be forbidden, but why would any man want more than one?...I can barely handle one!". It was his way of bringing levity to a subject most in our church would find difficult.
To use your analogy about cars, most women have been taught that to even think of driving someone else's car would be to break the commandment of stealing, even if the owner allows it. The most typical answer I've received from other pastors and laymen is that polygyny is breaking the commandment of adultery, and adulterers have no place in heaven...no joke!
I attend a brick and mortar church that I still feel comfortable in. I've had discussions about many "controversial" topics, including polygyny, with my pastor. His quip about polygyny was that "it may not be forbidden, but why would any man want more than one?...I can barely handle one!". It was his way of bringing levity to a subject most in our church would find difficult.
To use your analogy about cars, most women have been taught that to even think of driving someone else's car would be to break the commandment of stealing, even if the owner allows it. The most typical answer I've received from other pastors and laymen is that polygyny is breaking the commandment of adultery, and adulterers have no place in heaven...no joke!
We have a Christian Radio Station here (107.9 K-Wave) and one of the Pastors was talking about [King] David's problem of severe sexual addiction and life-long losing fight with adultery. I had to turn it off. I literally felt ill to my stomach.
Oops! Maybe I should have been more clear. (will have to maybe modify that...or look for a better analogy...)
I was thinking "model" of car! Parachute, maybe? I'd prefer one that's been field tested...
The idea is that people often see something that they KNOW is a good product, that other people like and want, as worth having, too. A woman's recommendation that her husband is a good man, trustworthy, honorable, obedient to YHVH, and whatever else may qualify as hallmarks of a potential covering, ought to be at least as important as saying, "I'd buy another car - TV - laptop - or toaster oven - like this one that I love so much..."
This has actually been studied in the field of male/female relationships, and the data say that women are drawn to a man that is attractive to other women (for instance, the guy already sitting with two women at the bar). Puts women in a real bind when their natural instincts clash with their cultural conditioning (oh, that looks promising, but he's already taken...).
Too bad more are not aware that some taken men, may still be available. Hey! Maybe that "Still Available" tee shirt idea would work after all! *Adds making tee shirt to the bottom of the impossibly long project list* I doubt he would ever wear it. He's already busy and happy with what he's got. *shrugs* I keep coming back to God knows best.....and this is what is.
Still feel for the women looking in all the wrong places, and doin' without what I have. *goes back to chores singing "Count your blessings."*
Matt 19:6. Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
Not sure the nuts and bolts, but does He join folks together? Every married person? Apparently. Could there be a better/different understanding of this passage? Maybe
I had a neighbor that is not a believer express the opinion, that women bond with men when they are intimate. A man does not get as emotionally invested, or suffer as much if the relationship ends.
I believe He created women to be exclusive, and men.... of all sorts. Well, lol not really, because there is plenty of diversity in the women in the world too!
I do think He allowed divorce, and people at times find a better match after their first marriage ends, but I wonder if those heartaches and broken homes could have been avoided?
I did not even want one break up. I prayed at 14 and told Him I didn't want to do the "going out" and "breaking up" that all those silly girls at church were doing, I just wanted to wait for the right one. I forgot I prayed that, but He did not. He answered that prayer and believe me, I have no regrets!
Some seem to like the dating game. I just wasn't one of them.