hurting one, hurting three

[chmessiwife2b]

a couple "seeks" polgyny 6-10 years, including a couple 'close-calls' that didnt work out, they ask all their make or break questions and are satisfied by the new perspective sisterwife.
as a bit of time passes, the wife does not allow any private discussion time at all for the husband and 'the future wife'. the issue is partially addressed, then after a short while, the wife admits to control issues, attributing them to severe problems from childhood. she even strongly suggests the threat of suicide. in the brief meanwhile, husband and 'the future wife' have begun an aquaintance which promises to be all that a marriage and family should be. this man is a man who has enterred the consideration of polygyny by asking the Fathers will. some would say to 'the maybe wife', run far and fast. however, i believe if a man receives a call from the Father, well, he must go to nineveh.... how to find harmony for all and peace and healing for first wife ??? help.

 

[julieb]

This is an all too common situation. In my opinion the harmony has to start with the husband and his ability to lead his first wife. He must decide what the Lord it saying to him, understand the costs envolved and then go to work (with lots of prayer of course) to lead his family in that direction. Now, of course, the wife has a choice to follow or not but it is his job to lovingly explain what he believes is the Lords direction and to not be wishy washy in it. What woman would want to follow a man who cannot lead consistantly?

This of course, is a simplified answerer. Us humans make it a complex mess if left to walk in our emotions, but my point is that God has clearly set forth the order of the family structure. Each of us should know our position. Now, we can chose to try and do our husbands job but that only brings disorder and problems. Just as a husband who doesn't know how to lead and tries to follow his wife....disorder and problems.

From the things you have shared it sounds like the first wife is feeling like she is not strong enough to lay her control issues down in trust at her husband's feet (and the Lord's for that matter). This is a sad thing because she is really very trapped in her fears. People need lots of love to move out from under those fears. Are you and her husband willing to give this kind of love?

You have several choices as in regards to this relationship. You can walk away now and say you are sorry it didn't work out. You and he can have a secret affair, so as not to upset the first wife...but if he allows this he is not a man you would want to marry anyways. You can pray and ask the Lord if this is the family for you and if so to help you give the love you have to both of them. It will not be an easy road and you need to understand the costs of it before commiting yourself to this man in any shape or form. But I personally know that God can bring beautiful things out of the ashes of fear and hurt.

I will be praying for the husband that he would have the strength of character and conviction to lead his family, and that you would know your place in it all.

With hope for the future, Julie

 

[CecilW]

mODERATOR NOTE: This thread was originally posted in the Ladies Only forum. Since no-pne responded initially, I sent a PM to the poster. She has asked that the thread be moved to open forum, my PM be posted, and others members feel free to respond.

Saturday, 7/14/2012

No-one is answering this. So even tho it is posted in the Ladies Only forum, I am going to respond by PM.

PM "surfaces" existing problems in a relationship. That is, a family may have wrongly accommodated themselves to existing problems rather than solving them to the point that they are no longer even aware that they exist. But PM forces the problem up to the surface.

Such problems NEVER exist without a complementary problem in the partner. For existence, a Jezebel doesn't exist in a functioning marriage without an Ahab. Try to stick a Jezebel with a David, and Jezebel is in for a rude awakening.

With that in mind, ask yourself some questions: What is the complementary problem in the husband? Has he been too passive? Is he trying to change? Is this very change what is causing the junk in existing wife to get so uncomfortable? When push comes to shove, will he choose to maintain an existing ill relationship, or stand firm for healthy relationship and give her the gift of responsibility for her own actions and consequences?

Additionally, this suicide business needs to be addressed. Time to look her in the face and ask, "Really? Is life not worth living unless you control all around you? Is any man worth suiciding over? If you are really so twisted that life isn't worth living unless you have absolute control over others, than have a little compassion. Set everyone free. Do it expeditiously. Or else shut up and change. Get help if you need it. Your methods of dealing with childhood bad situations are not serving you NOW -- they're destroying you and us." That, of course, would mostly need to come from hubby, not you.

(Oddly enough, there is a whole school of therapy around this confrontational technique. It is often quite effective. It can be seen in the movie, Lean On Me, where the principal takes a drug using kid up onto the roof and says, "Quit messing around! If you want to kill yourself, do it expeditiously! Jump!" The kid reforms.)

Just stuff to think about. Not necessarily the whole solution to what is undoubtedly a complex issue with hurting people, but might be one jigsaw puzzle piece.

 

[FollowingHim]

Here's the private message I sent her too (13 July), in the hopes of stimulating further discussion:

I fully agree that if he believes this is what God wants for his family, he should find a way to do it. He shouldn't just give in to his first wife and send you away, that would be submitting to her control, which can only make her issues worse - her control issues need to be solved, not reinforced, for her sake as much as his and yours.

This is an issue for the husband to resolve. He is the head, and this is a test of his headship. His relationship with his current wife is absolutely critical for the success of his family, whether there are one or two wives. He should be getting in touch with other men through this forum or otherwise, and seeking their support in this situation. There's a lot less you can do.

These issues with the first wife must take precedence over him obtaining another, in my opinion. He's got to manage what God has given him so far well, before taking on more responsibilities. That mightn't be what you'd like to hear...

These issues with his current wife may be completely separate from polygyny. If she is unwilling to trust him enough to not try and control him, or accept his leadership in all areas, that will be affecting their current monogamous marriage. They may be able to sort this out through general marriage counseling, or other general psychiatric support for her if it proves more serious.

It is then his job to judge when this is sorted to a point where he can bring the added complexity of you into the mix. Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.

Your role in all of this? PRAYER! Lots of it...

 

[Gillfam]

I figured I'd throw my two cents in as well. To me in all honesty it sounds like he isn't ready for PM. PM always sounds good on paper but the reality it isn't for every one no matter how badly they want it. If the first wife has the insecurities that means she is not secure in their relationship. To me this means they aren't ready. I really feel for you on this one as I know it is hard to break a bond once it's made, but you do not want to join this fam if that's how it is going to be. He needs to work on his relationship he has apparently. It's not too say they are bad people, but maybe this just isn't for them. I certainly know if my first wife was like that before we married our second, it would have never happened. Trust and believe there are enough issues in PM to deal with even when everyone wants it and is ready for it. Why cause unwanted problems or break up a marriage that already exist? To me if it is meant to be it will work it self out and you will be a part of that family. As of right now though it looks like the two of you are walking on thin ice by trying to force any thing on someone who doesn't want it. Also many times a woman will say yes for her husbands sake and he has to look at her real reactions when seeking a SW. Just because she says it's ok doesn't mean it is always ok. As a future SW it is also your job to make sure the fam you join will be one of harmony and peace. Hope that helped a bit!