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How A Retreat Can Help a Family Overcome Fear of Poly

Dr. K.R. Allen

Member
Real Person
Within a few months a few retreats will be taking place at various locations in the United States. At times men who deeply love the Lord and their family struggle with how to help their beloved lady to relax with the idea of polygyny. Sometimes after many intellectual debates, logical discussions over many biblical texts, and heart felt expressions between a man and woman some ladies are still not at peace with the subject and even some men still are unsure as to how to proceed in a mature and responsible way.

This can often be the case because of being isolated from others who can actually be an aid in helping encourage both the man and woman in their faith. God designed the faith to where people need people. We were never designed to be alone or to live in seclusion from others. Even God lives and relates to himself as a community being.

Therefore, a Biblical Families Retreat can be a time for men and women to meet face to face with others who can be an encouragement to the family, even to those who are considering and struggling with the idea itself. We see the importance of relationships in the flesh (face to face; physical contact) stressed throughout all of the Bible, especially in the NC scriptures. Even Christ himself, the Son of God, takes upon himself human flesh so that humans can relate to him (John 1:1-14).

Biblical Families retreats are a time of worship. In worship people come before God in his presence through the teaching of the word, through relationships being established, through singing, through prayer together, through time interacting with other families, and through often the scenic nature or the surrounding of the place where the retreat is being hosted. In these times of worship sometimes God will work through the Spirit in the life and heart of someone helping them to relax and be at peace with the Word, and with the truth of biblical marriage. The worship experience in totality can be a great tool to edify and build the union in Christ.

I've posted a little parable/story below on the value of a Biblical Families Retreat to illustrate this point above about the need for relationships which can be a great aid to a person or family's life. Sometimes when people begin to embrace these ideas they lose family, friends, spiritual brothers and sisters in Christ and then there is the pain of being alone. Sometimes the man feels alone or sometimes the woman feels alone and even at times both do.

This story illustrates the life of one in pain who needs other brothers and sisters in his life. Maybe you reading this feel alone. Maybe you and your family are not at peace. Maybe your beloved lady is scared and she feels alone as if no other person or woman could ever understand her or this feeling of pain and fear in her. The biblical family retreats are a place of hope and encouragement.

John [as he enters Billy’s back porch]: “Hey Billy, did you see the news last night about the new construction for the city park?”

Billy: “Nah, I don’t watch the news anymore. I hardly have anything to do with those newscasters anymore. They are just like the politicians now. All they care about is sensationalism so they can attract viewers so they can get advertisers to sponsor them so they can make more money.”

John: “Hum, I suppose that can be true at times. Well, hey, ummm, I see that the local Baptist Church is hosting a barbecue dinner to raise money for the poor in the city who need some assistance in refurnishing their homes. Would you like to go join me for dinner? The plate of food is only $7 and the money will be put to good use.”

Billy: “Not on your life John. First, that group of believers does not believe in some things that are clearly biblical. I can’t gather with them until they repent of their wayward ways. I’ll hold out until they see the truth. Second, you know I don’t like barbecue.”

John: “Oh yeah, I forgot about the barbecue issue. But really Billy, it has been 12 years since you got sick from that barbecue dinner. But, if that is how you feel then ok. Anyway, I’m making plans next week to meet with a group of Christians from XYZ Christian College who want to start a prayer club on their campus. They are really excited about seeking to win souls on their campus and I’d like to see if you would help me organize it. You have always had great organizational skills. Whatcha think?”

Billy: “Ahhh, John, you know I disagree with that College’s stance on politics. They are always trying to influence local and national politics. I bet those students are just trying to convert people to their political agenda so they can have more numbers at the voting booth. Thanks for the offer but no thanks.”

John: “Ok Billy. I sure could use your help, and I think from the students I know personally they really are concerned about people who do not know Jesus Christ, but if that is the way you feel then fine.”

Billy: “I appreciate you understanding. You know me John, truth comes before anything else. Jesus Christ said he was the truth and if we get off track of the message of truth we are not following Christ.”

John: “Do you and your family have any plans next weekend? I was thinking about inviting you and your family over to the pool and we could cook out. I promise, no barbecue. You name what y’all would like and we’ll handle the preparations. We can catch the late night NFL football game on tv and relax. I know work has been stressful on both of us as of late. It would probably do us and our families some good just to relax and fellowship with one another.”

Billy: “I’m not so sure that is a good idea John, especially that part about the football game and all. See more and more of those commercials on tv are about sex, alcohol, and I don’t think we need to be seeing that stuff. Besides, the more I grow in the Lord the more I see that things like football, sports in general, and events of competition create all kinds of conflict. I think we need to be more pure and devoted to the holy things of the Lord. Now brother don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the invitation. You have been a good friend of mine for many years now and I enjoy your company. I’m torn inside it seems as of late. I love being around you and my other friends. But it just seems like the more I grow in the Lord the less I can be involved in the world. The things of this world seem so dark, dim, and depressing.”

John: “Man, Billy, I’m not sure what to say. You seem so down as of late, which is why I have been trying to get you to do some things with me. I miss the cheer and joy you used to have. You seem like you have withdrawn from so many areas of life. As it looks to me you have secluded yourself. Let me give you an outside perspective of what I see. Do you mind if I do that?”

Billy: “No, sure John. You and I have been friends for many years. I appreciate your insights.”

John: “Well, Billy, it seems like you have pulled your family away. Over the last few years I have seen you grow more and more critical of every area of life. You complain about the school systems, you complain about your church, you complain about the government, and even at times you are critical of even your own family. I’m worried about you.”

Billy: “Well over the last couple of years I have gotten really serious about my walk and pursuit of the Lord. When I read the Bible it tells me that I am to be holy like God is holy. The Bible tells me not to have fellowship with darkness. Additionally, I am having a hard time getting my family into the Bible. There is just so little time these days. Everything distracts us. I mean John even today I am ashamed because our family only reads the Bible for 3 hours each day. My kids are so angry with me because I have laid the law down that they can’t go anywhere or spend any time on the phone until their Bible reading is done each day. Trying to get my family in the word for 3 hours each day has been tough. It seems like there is more resentment, anger, and bitterness in my home than there ever has been. But the Bible is clear that we must separate from the evil in this world and so I have got to do all I can to be holy, which means to be separate.”

John: “Mercy. Billy, I did not know all of this was going on in your life. It sounds like you have lost a key principle of Christianity.”

Billy: “Really? C’mon, John! I read my Bible for 4 hours every day just so that I can be ahead of my own family who now reads it every day for 3 hours. I have dropped all of my extra curricular activities. I no longer participate in the local political party club that I used to serve within. It was impossible to get my family into worship each day if I was out in the community and away from home. Additionally, I am learning so much as I read the Bible. Did you know that the Bible tells us that we “have no need for anyone to teach us” (1st John 2:27). With my concordance, Bible, and the Holy Spirit my family and I are doing just fine. So how can you say I am missing a key component of Christianity? I don’t understand what you mean. Have you being talking to my former pastor or something?”

John: “No Billy, I’ve not seen your former pastor since all of the commotion happened over the doctrinal disagreement and you all got the left foot of fellowship.”

Billy: “Though it was 3 years ago I can still remember all of that like it was yesterday.”

John: “I’m sure. That was a traumatic experience for all of us. But back to my point Billy. You mentioned worship. That is my point. Now don’t pass out here on me, but pray over what I am about to say. I don’t think you are worshipping.”

Billy: “Ha ha ha, John, seriously, are you on drugs John? C’mon man. Really? You’re joking right? I just told you how much I have my family in the word EVERY DAY! And I’m in the word 4 HOURS EVERY DAY. We are now separate from most of the world. Of course, I have yet to figure out how to be totally separate. Ya know a man has to work and eat so surely the Lord will forgive me for having to go into work in that sinful place with all of those sinful people. The way I see things if I am praying throughout the day and reading my Bible enough I can suffer through those eight hours and should I be defiled at any point I can get clean again after I get back to my Bible and prayer time.”

John: “Yeah you’re right about one thing. You are separate from most of the world. Billy, I think you have misunderstood worship. Your view of worship leads to seclusion and depression. God’s view of worship leads to inclusion and hope.”

Billy: “I don’t understand. What do you mean by that.”

John: “Now Billy listen to me closely. I know there is an age difference between us and sometimes you think I’m old and outdated. But I love you like my own family. In some ways even though you are 15 years younger than me I consider you to be like my very own brother. I think you have adopted a neo-monastic style of worship instead of a biblical view of worship which embraces all areas and all aspects of life. Consequently brother, you have interpreted the Bible’s admonition to be separate as spatial isolation instead of mind and heart separation. Furthermore, you narrowly define worship as only reading the Bible or praying or singing. God’s view of worship is much wider than that and by far a much more grand view than what you currently think. God’s view of worship is comprehensive and fundamentally relationally oriented. Worship is about God’s glory being magnified through him relating to us in love and us relating to him and others in return with his love.”

Billy: “Neo-mon what? What did you call it?”

John: “Neo-monasticism. Well, that is a big word but it simply means one who thinks the way to being holy is through withdrawal from the world. Think of the monk when I use the term. Monks attempt to withdraw from the world as much as humanly possible. Today many still follow that line of thinking but do so without the physical walls of the monastery and without the vows of silence and other specifics that go along with being a Monk. Today people make their home the monastery, or their church building like a monastery. Normally, from what I have seen, those who embrace this worldview also become very pessimistic people who complain all the time. Maybe that is why the Monks take a vow of silence because every one got tired of hearing them complain all the time [laughter erupts from both Billy and John and then John continues] Rarely do those who take a neo-monastic view of the world see God in all areas of life and creation. They narrow down worship to a time in a church service where people sing praises to the Lord, or when people are reading and studying the word instead of seeing worship as a comprehensive package where every act of life is about worshipping God. For example, in one place the Bible says in Colossians 3:17, ‘And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.’ Worship is not just about your Bible reading time, nor is it about a meeting at church. It does include those things but goes much further than that. A biblical view of worship means every area of life is to be done with a Godward focus. What that means is from sex, to our eating, to our speech, to our knowledge, to our finances, to our friendships, to our finances, and to anything else in life we are to bring God’s heart and mind to that area. Another Bible passage comes to mind where God says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, ‘So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.’ Am I making sense Billy? Basically what I am saying is that instead of running away from the world and calling that worship we are to see all of life as worship unto the God who made that moment of life. We are to focus on building our relationship with God and our relationship with others as we bring the love, mind, and heart of God to that particular relationship and sphere of life.”

Billy: “John, I think I might see a little of what you are saying. I recall reading something one time where a theologian stated that if we claim separation means living a withdrawn life from each other and the world then God himself is not separate and thus he would be sinful.”

John: “Ok, keep going, I think I see where this is leading.”

Billy: “Well it has been a long time ago since I read his view. I kinda got confused because this fella did not agree with my view of spiritual gifts. And then when I discovered that this missionary theologian had multiple wives well I closed his book and never read anything of him again. That was before I had done some serious study on that subject as well. But if I recall correctly he said something about how since God was present everywhere then if a person claims that God’s separation means he is not present somewhere then that would violate the doctrine of God’s omnipresence, or something like that.”

John: “Billy, whoever that fella was he was exactly right. God’s presence is everywhere at all times in all places. Therefore, our goal is to bring that sphere into recognition of God in that sphere. God is worthy to be worshipped in all areas, in all places, from the bedroom to the state Capitol and everything in between.”

Billy: “Well that seems to make sense but this is once again a new idea for me. Let me guess, you are the only one around here that practices this right? I bet not a single other person I know understands this view.”

John: “Oh Billy, ya know one day I’m convinced the Lord will remove such a critical spirit from you. The Lord always has a people for himself. Think about what Paul said in Romans 11:1-6. Do you recall? I mean with that 4 HOURS EVERY DAY of Bible reading surely you can recite these verses from memory”

Billy: “Uh, well, uh, uuuummmmm,”

John: “Let me guess, you don’t have that passage memorized do you? Well I guess you just need to get saved then since you don’t have your whole Bible memorized [laughter erupts from both again].

Billy [still laughing]: “Now listen gramps, at least I can still see to memorize the Bible.”

John: “Yep, true indeed. I’ve often wondered as my eye sight has gotten worse how Paul did what he did. According to some, his thorn in the flesh is speculated to have been his bad eyesight. But anyway, in that passage in Romans Paul remind his readers that God had preserved a people who had not given into paganism. The point is that God will always have a people by grace who will communicate his message in grace and love.”

Billy: “So what you are saying is that you know a people like this somewhere who believe like you do about this worship stuff?”

John: “Yes I do and I’d love for you to get to know them. I am now serving with them in their ministry.”

Billy: “Really? Is that what my wife was telling me about? She heard something from your family about this group. All I recall is that had something to do with the Family.”

John: “Yes, the organism is called Biblical Families. Our goal is to help people grow in their relationship with the Lord and with their family so they can be good missionaries wherever they live and work as they carry out the task of making disciples.”

Billy: “Oh now you are meddling. I’ve been so convicted as of late about my efforts to reach out to others and make disciples. I feel so bad because I’m not doing this. I have been struggling with how to be holy and yet still reach out in love to others.”

John: “And rightfully so Billy. See think about this. Jesus Christ left the eternal sphere of heaven where there was no sin, no disharmony, no pain, no lack of joy and fulfillment to enter into a fallen sphere, this world in which we now live. His very incarnation shows us the way. Jesus is a missional God who relates to the world, even a world that is in sin. Jesus was criticized by the religious crowd because he ate, drank, and made friends with sinners in order to show them the way home to a Father who loves them and wants to make them a part of his family. Jesus mastered the art of being holy as he displayed that holiness in and through love for God and others. At the very heart of Jesus ministry was a relational ministry. He was teaching his disciples how to build a family life that could in turn reach out to others to help who needed to know what true family looked like. Sin had marred everything, and thus the Lord’s mission was to reverse this by teaching people how to be a family under his headship. This Biblical Families organism is seeking to teach people how to worship God in all of his greatness. They are focused on restoring people both through the gospel which transforms marriages and families.”

Billy [who begins to tear up]: “John you of all people know my history. I never had a good family. My home was as dysfunctional as possible. Since I met Christ I have wanted nothing more than to make a home and family that was honoring to God. That is why I’ve been so hard nosed about this Bible study stuff. I simply want my family to have what I never had.”

John [as he places his arm around Billy]: “I know Billy. Your zealous efforts are commendable before God. But you can’t do this Christian life alone. Ever since you left the last local body you’ve not really had any true fellowship or a mission to live for in the Lord. When you couple that bad situation with some doctrine that is slightly off base then those ingredients produce a life where you begin to live independently of others. In turn you grow more secluded, you fail to gather together with others for times of worship, and then bitterness, skepticism, and a critical spirit emerges. I’d love for you to come join in with us some time at one of our Biblical Family Retreats. In these retreats we gather together and the whole time is a time of worship. At times it is us simply observing some portion of nature, at other times it is us eating food together as we laugh together. At times we gather to dialogue and talk about life, problems, and solutions. At other times we gather to hear the word taught to us and preached. At these retreats we simply worship God in his fullness as we try and humbly see all of life about him and his glory. But now watch out, I do have one warning for you.”

Billy: “I knew it was coming. You don’t have to warn me John. It is ok. I know some men there have multiple wives. I’ve been meaning to apologize to you for my ugly comments about this. I’ve been reading the Bible a bunch as of late, ya know that 4 hour a day stuff. I have to admit to you that I was wrong. There is room in the family of God for men with multiple wives as far as I can tell from Scripture.”

John: “Well, what a surprise Billy. That is good news to see you become more open to the idea. But that really was not what I was going to warn you about.”

Billy: “Oh no, what then?”

John: “Watch out for Nathan. He is one of the founders and directors of the organism and he doesn’t do math to well. Once while on one of the retreats he decided to see if we could get together for a family hike. So a bunch of people got together and thought well this would be cool since we would get to be in the Lord’s creation and once we get to the top of the hike we could observe the greatness of the Lord’s creation. The hike, according to his calculation, was supposed to be about 30 or so minutes to the top. Well, about 3 or so hours later, we were like the children of Israel grumbling against Moses as we walked through the wilderness.”

Billy [laughing along with John]: “I’ll definitely keep that in mind then. In all seriousness John it sounds like you all in that group are becoming good friends.”

John: “We are Billy and I’d like for you to join us. I like to call it an organism instead of just a group. These people remind me of what was going on in the book of Acts. They get together to fellowship, to study the apostolic doctrine together, and they break bread together and pray together. And since many have been kicked out of their local fellowships these retreats are an aid to their spiritual life as they come together with members of Christ’s body from other regions. Like you Billy, they love the Lord and they truly want to see and worship God in all his glory.”

Billy: “So instead of me eating in the social hall with people that really don’t know me or care about what goes on in life these people actually care for one another and are involved with one another?”

John: “It is called ‘Family’ for a reason Billy. Though with many imperfections these people are like you trying to learn, grow, and become more like Christ so they can build stronger families and stronger local churches. The relational idea permeates the heart of the ministry leadership team and they are seeking to encourage people to live a life of faith, hope, and love as they worship God in all areas of their lives.”

Billy: “As you call it, from the bedroom to the state rooms?”

John: “Yes, that is right. That is the true idea of worship. Every area of our life coming under the headship of our Lord Jesus Christ as we gives thanks and praise to him for taking us unto himself as members of his family.”

Billy: “And I don’t have to go hiking with this Nathan fella?”

John: “Well, I do think you need some exercise.”

Billy [while laughing]: “Watch it now, you are meddling again! I suppose even my physical health is an aspect of this idea that worship includes all areas of life but how about giving me some time to grasp this new idea. From what it sounds like, I think it would do my family and I some good to come to one of these retreats. I certainly have a lot of respect for you as a man of the Lord, even if you still are a fan of football.”

John [as he stands up to depart]: “and don’t forget the cheerleaders.”

Billy: “You are so crazy.”

John: “I’ll keep you posted. The goal is to host these retreats all over the nation, and maybe one day even beyond so we can encourage others to worship God in all areas of their life. We’ve got much work to do and I’d love for you to join our missionaries. Gotta run for now, see ya later.”
 
Re: How A Man Can Help His Beloved Lady Overcome Fear of Pol

While prayer is the best thing to do in a situation like this; I would direct any husband who is experiencing this problem to Pastor John Whitten's article, entitled "First Wife's Syndrome". He could then share it with his wife.
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
Re: How A Man Can Help His Beloved Lady Overcome Fear of Pol

"some ladies are still not at peace with the subject"

As I studied scripture the Lord revealed to me that when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing, that children are a blessing, and that a man is granted the opportunity to build his family with more than one wife as he is led to.

These things were not of my own invention, nor was my understanding brought about by any superior type of intellect. It was rather simple actually; I had to do but one thing - spend time in His Word. As I read the scriptures the Holy Spirit revealed these things to me and much more.

So, while I have studied further to enable myself to defend my position, I try to keep in mind that it is very difficult for others to accept any concept of marriage, outside of the cultural norm, unless the Holy Spirit has also revealed these things to them. Sometimes I fall prey to my flesh and get frustrated, but then the Lord tugs on me a bit and reminds me from where I came and I am reminded that "but by the grace of God, there go I".

Can and does the Lord use other means to bring people into understanding? Absolutely. Regardless of the means the He chooses to use, the Holy Spirit will eventually be involved to give them "eyes to see".
 
Re: How A Man Can Help His Beloved Lady Overcome Fear of Pol

i am curious, is the story connected to the topic?
 
Re: How A Man Can Help His Beloved Lady Overcome Fear of Pol

@ Steve...

It was not a story, rather a statement of what I believe to be factual using my experience as an example. Notice the part I quoted at the top if you feel that it is unrelated to the topic at hand.

For the purpose of clarification I will state that unless the Holy Spirit reveals His truths to an individual they will not understand the nature and intent of "Biblical Marriage". There are many that believe in "plural marriage" without understanding "Biblical Marriage"; some are Christians and some are not. They tolerate "plural marriage" for various reasons or acknowledge those that practice it. There are others that feel that if it's right for you do it, but it's not right for them...etc...

Sorry that it was so confusing, I hope this clears things up for you and anyone else that may not have understood my comment. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
 
sorry scarecrow,
i was not refering to your statement.
it was dr. allen's story that i was puzzled about. going back over it i found that i had missed the part about the retreat while considering the neo-monasticism

my bad this time
 
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