When I got married, something amazing happened. It was banana bread.
Yep, Banana Bread.
See, I'd managed to get into one bad relationship after another, and see them fall apart in a matter of months. Sometimes it would be me crying to get loose, and other times it was her begging me to leave her alone. Then one day nearly fifteen years ago, almost twenty now, I said, "I'm done." I walked away from women, marriage, and relationships. I stopped looking into PM, because obviously I could not manage monogamy. The problems I encountered were varied and diverse. She cheated, I did things I shouldn't have, we had an argument, my step son assaulted me, blah blah blah. Truth is, I had no idea why we were failing. I just knew that I was part of the problem and I had to fix me.
So, I started studying. What was I doing wrong. How do I identify my faults? How do I find that perfect woman?
So I set rules. I would date occasionally to have company. I was keeping the pants zipped. I wasn't asking anyone to date me. I wasn't asking anyone to marry me, ever again (this is still a rule), and I would try to be the best person I could. So that's what I did.
I traveled the USA. I visited landmarks, state and federal parks, I hung out at the Grand Canyon, I crawled back into caverns and I watched Mars and Saturn from the parking lots of observatories. I visited craters, and saw the bottom of an ocean while wearing SCUBA gear. I went fishing. I met a few ladies and we sometimes smooched and had a good time, but the one time I got into a relationship I dropped it as fast as I could. She's still in my phone, I haven't called her in years. I think her number will go away the next time I do a contact edit. Honestly I kept it because I wanted to be warned when she called.
So, one day I started to catch on. Yeah, I learn by messing up. I get smart by being stupid. Get wise by being unwise. Hey, it's what I asked for when I got saved... wisdom and knowledge. Thinking back, I might have just slapped myself, it would have been less painful.
But like I say, the answers started to dawn on me. One day I seemed to have hit that spot in life where it just clicked into place. I know I'm a hell of a guy. I'm kind, compassionate, and nice. I was always told, these are the best qualities in a person. Then, I understood, nope. Perhaps it is, but nope. I started seeing that respect comes from trust. Trust comes from doing what you say. But it's more than that. My home, when I was married, was a mess. Dishes done randomly, floors a mess, house in disarray. And I saw this is the way I like my home. Everything had it's place, there was a place for everything. Even years after I sold that home, I can tell you the vacuum sealer was under the wire shelf next to the dishwasher, and I rarely had to do more than dinner dishes to be able to leave. And I looked at my home as a base station for my trips. A comfortable place to come back to when I wasn't enjoying the world. M house was in order, my bills paid, a new car in my driveway, and I still had money to do nearly anything I wanted. After a while, I didn't want a relationship, because in the past, it messed this wonderfulness up.
Something else was hitting me hard and I mean really hard. State Marriages. To me a state marriage is a concubinage. Oh, it can be more, but in a way, it can't. I'll not go into my sources much here, but summarize what I found to be true. The proper order of marriage is like this... The husband is the head of the family. A wife is a wife because she submits to the husband, stands with him and allows him to claim her. A concubine is, to quote the Jewish definitions, "A wife of lesser status." Or, "Then the angel of the LORD told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” Mistress is an interesting word as it means, Mistress of servants, or Queen. (Strongs H1404)
So I can glean from this that a wife submits to ther husband and the concubine submits to her mistress. It's structure, flow of authority. If a family has ten wives and two concubines per wife, then the man would lead the wives, and the wives would lead the concubines. It's really a military command structure. In fact, Nepolian was considered the last true general because the armies grew so large that one man could not lead them all. So, the military adopted this structure. Generals, Captains Lieutenants, and then enlisted. The general would be the man. The captains would be the woman. The LT's would be the concubines, and the enlisted are hired help. This is over simplified, but represents every military and corporate and large company structure in the world. Those the survive, anyway. And then to make it even more interesting, I discovered that "Submit, " is...
It opened up a new WORLD for me when I discovered this.
I discovered at that time, I was a coward. Raw, whipped, beaten down, COWARD. Oh, I had a good life, but when I got with a girl, I wanted to be nice. I wanted to let her run the show because it was easier and because any time I'd tried in the past, I'd regretted it. I know now that a LOT of men feel this way. More than I ever thought possible. When I say, "A lot," I really mean, most. They would do this, or they would create a frankenmarriage where there was no leadership, everyone just got along, and the lifespan the relationship was about 2 years. Other versions I found were where two people loved each other verrry much and got married... then the bell rung and it was a fight for survival with him and her (or her and her and her) fighting day and night trying to accomplish anything and fighting each other on a moment by moment basis to see who would win and get their way next. There was no authority, no leadership, no control. This is not marriage. It's open combat. Then taking a look at legal marriage made he cringe. God isn't in it anywhere. Oh, his NAME is there, "god." "lord." But "By the power vested in me by the state of Arkansas, I now pronounce you cousi... man and wife." The ultimate power over this type of marriage is the state, or a judge. So the family structure is... Judge... man/woman. There is no heirchy, no leadership, and if you attempt to express leadership in front of a judge he or she will let you know right quick that you HAVE no leadership and THEY are the deciding party on any dispute.
This is not how leadership works.
So I knew I needed to learn about leadership.
So, I knew I needed to find books on leadership.
And I looked for books on leadership.
I didn't find much. Found nearly nothing, actually. Some books with the title, and the insides were as dry as the desert.
So I had to define it for myself. And in that time I discovered that I was already a good leader, I led MYSELF with no problems. I wasn't good at leading others. Still struggle with it, but I'm getting better. I volunteered as the VP of production for a theater company. It put me in contact with people, and gave me a position of power to learn from. I learned a LOT. I discovered that people really liked me, and they would do whatever I said and many times they were standing around doing nothing because I was trying to do it all myself. I didn't want to bother them. Yeah, I know, it's stupid and you do it too. We all do. I see it NOW, I didn't THEN.
Four years later, I was getting things done. I learned that leading isn't doing. Leading is leading and you lead by forging the path ahead and then giving tasks to your people. You cannot lead if you're doing the other person's job. I was truly clueless until a man pulled me aside and told me to stop helping and start leading. IN a way he said, 'They will do the work, you offer help, support, and take up slack when it's needed. Until it's needed, walk around look smart and give out complements." Now, that's simplified greatly because it's much more than just that, but I understood. And then I started to understand.
You cannot do the other person's job. If you do, it undermines them and they lose confidence and eventually they leave.
You cannot leave them totally alone, or they feel you've abandoned them.
You cannot stop leading to do a task that needs done. You lead by directing that task be done FIRST, then if it must be done, you do it well, you do it quickly, and you start leading again as soon as possible.
If you're focused on the team but not on the path ahead, then you'll get lost and the team will start griping and wanting to take over.
You are NOT the bad guy if you don't DO, you are the bad guy if you don't DIRECT.
Then I applied this to marriage and realized that I had been too afraid to take charge. That's an interesting phrase, as well, "Take Charge." It implies that you TAKE it, but that's not how it works in reality. She OFFERS her charge, and then you take it. She's not a slave I can walk up to , examine her teeth and then say, "She's suitable, wash it down, dress it up, and I'll visit it in my chambers tonight if I get time." She's a Captain.
A woman IS a Captain. She has her own life. Her own dreams. Her own resources. Her own foibles and quirks. She's amazing, talented and wonderful. A general would be PROUD to have a second in command like her. After all, guys, you looked at her skills, talents and abilities..... and not her rump, hips and pretty smile, right? She KNOWS what she looks like, and she knows she has a lot of power in those twinkles, and if you are no better than the average guy she manipulates (knowingly or out of instinct) then she will never respect you or let you lead her. You are her toy. SHE is in charge. Oh, she may marry you, and you should start whinnying, because you are just the pack-mule. She WILL resent you quickly. You are not her leader, and she will always be looking for her leader. This is part of the curse. "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” And I really should deal with that one a moment.
Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Desire is like - Longing, craving, a beast to devour. It's used for the emotion of, "Damn she has a nice ass," or, "Wow, look at him, makes me get goosebumps... I'll be right back."
Rule over you means to have dominion, watching, keeping an eye on, and basically being the overseer.
Taken all together, you want men, you want them now, and you want the biggest and baddest you can find, and when you get him, he'll lord it over you and make you miserable because he'll not give you a minute's peace. If he's not strong enough, you'll want stronger and stronger and stronger. Does that about sum it up, ladies? It's meant to be a curse, and in practice, it is. And it's just as bad as knowing that no matter how hard we try as men, we're going to fail, not by our own hands, and often. The job will end suddenly, the crops will fail, the hail will break the new plants, and the weeds and insects will leave us scrambling to find another way to survive.
Anyway, back to it.
I finally learned that polygyny is not monogamy x2. Monogamy is not even monogamy, because what we call monogamy in the USA is as often as not something strange and perverted as far as crafting a family is concerned. We are in a world of hurt right now because of polygamy. We gave it up, in the interest of making a cult go away, and as a result, marriage in the USA is out of balance. The multi-person structure is learned from poly. The individual independence is learned from celibacy. Monogamy was SUPPOSED to be a blend of the two. I think this is why God had no issue with Lamech, Noah's dad, having two wives. It's also, I would guess, why Noah was chosen by God instead of someone else, because without that training on dealing with large families, the flood may have happened quite differently. This is supported also when God chose Gideon to lead because HE had many wives. Having many wives means you are structured, organized, and on top of things. (No pun intended, lol)
So I started rebuilding my life.
I learned to take command. It's not easy, even now, but it was absolutely paramount if I ever wanted to marry again.
I studied leadership and how it works.
I decided on a structure using an old Jewish tool called a Ketubah.
I decided that when I marry again I would CRAFT my marriage, negotiate with her, set structure in place to start with, and build the kind of marriage I wanted from the ground up. I also decided I would stop being a coward and face problems head on, and if needed, put my foot down on issues that arise that needed to be dealt with. I also promised myself that I would do my best to use tact and not bull a china shop.
I also said that a marriage does not start with a man on his knees in front of the woman. How do you expect to LEAD a woman if you start the relationship begging her to marry you? "Please Mistress, let me lead you, please?"
Then I met this really amazing lady. She was smarter than many I'd met, and had amazing skillz. And I could not marry her. I was not getting on my knees and asking her. If she wanted to marry me, she would ask me. I would lead her from the very first moment and she would become my family. I would build a family from the ground up and it would be like a poly marriage. I would value every aspect of her life, and I would embrace the curse and not fight it - I would rule over her, and do it in a way that made it as easy a burden to bear as I possibly could. I would send her to school if she asked, and I would give her every tool I could to let her grow and become the strongest, bravest, wisest woman she could possibly be. And about four days into our dating, I made banana bread, she took one bite and said, I kid you not... "Marry me, please."
It's been rough at times. We've been together for about 6 years now, and every morning I wake up and cry inside a little that we can't spend even more time together than we do. She has grown to the point that she's now looking to add someone to our marriage. It'll be interesting to say the least. But she also wants me to put all of this down in a book, along with my reasoning and conclusions to try to help others rebuild their marriages.
Now, she woke up, and while I love to write, I also love to hug and I need to go do that for a while.
Yep, Banana Bread.
See, I'd managed to get into one bad relationship after another, and see them fall apart in a matter of months. Sometimes it would be me crying to get loose, and other times it was her begging me to leave her alone. Then one day nearly fifteen years ago, almost twenty now, I said, "I'm done." I walked away from women, marriage, and relationships. I stopped looking into PM, because obviously I could not manage monogamy. The problems I encountered were varied and diverse. She cheated, I did things I shouldn't have, we had an argument, my step son assaulted me, blah blah blah. Truth is, I had no idea why we were failing. I just knew that I was part of the problem and I had to fix me.
So, I started studying. What was I doing wrong. How do I identify my faults? How do I find that perfect woman?
So I set rules. I would date occasionally to have company. I was keeping the pants zipped. I wasn't asking anyone to date me. I wasn't asking anyone to marry me, ever again (this is still a rule), and I would try to be the best person I could. So that's what I did.
I traveled the USA. I visited landmarks, state and federal parks, I hung out at the Grand Canyon, I crawled back into caverns and I watched Mars and Saturn from the parking lots of observatories. I visited craters, and saw the bottom of an ocean while wearing SCUBA gear. I went fishing. I met a few ladies and we sometimes smooched and had a good time, but the one time I got into a relationship I dropped it as fast as I could. She's still in my phone, I haven't called her in years. I think her number will go away the next time I do a contact edit. Honestly I kept it because I wanted to be warned when she called.
So, one day I started to catch on. Yeah, I learn by messing up. I get smart by being stupid. Get wise by being unwise. Hey, it's what I asked for when I got saved... wisdom and knowledge. Thinking back, I might have just slapped myself, it would have been less painful.
But like I say, the answers started to dawn on me. One day I seemed to have hit that spot in life where it just clicked into place. I know I'm a hell of a guy. I'm kind, compassionate, and nice. I was always told, these are the best qualities in a person. Then, I understood, nope. Perhaps it is, but nope. I started seeing that respect comes from trust. Trust comes from doing what you say. But it's more than that. My home, when I was married, was a mess. Dishes done randomly, floors a mess, house in disarray. And I saw this is the way I like my home. Everything had it's place, there was a place for everything. Even years after I sold that home, I can tell you the vacuum sealer was under the wire shelf next to the dishwasher, and I rarely had to do more than dinner dishes to be able to leave. And I looked at my home as a base station for my trips. A comfortable place to come back to when I wasn't enjoying the world. M house was in order, my bills paid, a new car in my driveway, and I still had money to do nearly anything I wanted. After a while, I didn't want a relationship, because in the past, it messed this wonderfulness up.
Something else was hitting me hard and I mean really hard. State Marriages. To me a state marriage is a concubinage. Oh, it can be more, but in a way, it can't. I'll not go into my sources much here, but summarize what I found to be true. The proper order of marriage is like this... The husband is the head of the family. A wife is a wife because she submits to the husband, stands with him and allows him to claim her. A concubine is, to quote the Jewish definitions, "A wife of lesser status." Or, "Then the angel of the LORD told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” Mistress is an interesting word as it means, Mistress of servants, or Queen. (Strongs H1404)
So I can glean from this that a wife submits to ther husband and the concubine submits to her mistress. It's structure, flow of authority. If a family has ten wives and two concubines per wife, then the man would lead the wives, and the wives would lead the concubines. It's really a military command structure. In fact, Nepolian was considered the last true general because the armies grew so large that one man could not lead them all. So, the military adopted this structure. Generals, Captains Lieutenants, and then enlisted. The general would be the man. The captains would be the woman. The LT's would be the concubines, and the enlisted are hired help. This is over simplified, but represents every military and corporate and large company structure in the world. Those the survive, anyway. And then to make it even more interesting, I discovered that "Submit, " is...
- to arrange under, to subordinate
- to subject, put in subjection
- to subject one's self, obey
- to submit to one's control
- to yield to one's admonition or advice
- to obey, be subject
This word was a Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".
It opened up a new WORLD for me when I discovered this.
I discovered at that time, I was a coward. Raw, whipped, beaten down, COWARD. Oh, I had a good life, but when I got with a girl, I wanted to be nice. I wanted to let her run the show because it was easier and because any time I'd tried in the past, I'd regretted it. I know now that a LOT of men feel this way. More than I ever thought possible. When I say, "A lot," I really mean, most. They would do this, or they would create a frankenmarriage where there was no leadership, everyone just got along, and the lifespan the relationship was about 2 years. Other versions I found were where two people loved each other verrry much and got married... then the bell rung and it was a fight for survival with him and her (or her and her and her) fighting day and night trying to accomplish anything and fighting each other on a moment by moment basis to see who would win and get their way next. There was no authority, no leadership, no control. This is not marriage. It's open combat. Then taking a look at legal marriage made he cringe. God isn't in it anywhere. Oh, his NAME is there, "god." "lord." But "By the power vested in me by the state of Arkansas, I now pronounce you cousi... man and wife." The ultimate power over this type of marriage is the state, or a judge. So the family structure is... Judge... man/woman. There is no heirchy, no leadership, and if you attempt to express leadership in front of a judge he or she will let you know right quick that you HAVE no leadership and THEY are the deciding party on any dispute.
This is not how leadership works.
So I knew I needed to learn about leadership.
So, I knew I needed to find books on leadership.
And I looked for books on leadership.
I didn't find much. Found nearly nothing, actually. Some books with the title, and the insides were as dry as the desert.
So I had to define it for myself. And in that time I discovered that I was already a good leader, I led MYSELF with no problems. I wasn't good at leading others. Still struggle with it, but I'm getting better. I volunteered as the VP of production for a theater company. It put me in contact with people, and gave me a position of power to learn from. I learned a LOT. I discovered that people really liked me, and they would do whatever I said and many times they were standing around doing nothing because I was trying to do it all myself. I didn't want to bother them. Yeah, I know, it's stupid and you do it too. We all do. I see it NOW, I didn't THEN.
Four years later, I was getting things done. I learned that leading isn't doing. Leading is leading and you lead by forging the path ahead and then giving tasks to your people. You cannot lead if you're doing the other person's job. I was truly clueless until a man pulled me aside and told me to stop helping and start leading. IN a way he said, 'They will do the work, you offer help, support, and take up slack when it's needed. Until it's needed, walk around look smart and give out complements." Now, that's simplified greatly because it's much more than just that, but I understood. And then I started to understand.
You cannot do the other person's job. If you do, it undermines them and they lose confidence and eventually they leave.
You cannot leave them totally alone, or they feel you've abandoned them.
You cannot stop leading to do a task that needs done. You lead by directing that task be done FIRST, then if it must be done, you do it well, you do it quickly, and you start leading again as soon as possible.
If you're focused on the team but not on the path ahead, then you'll get lost and the team will start griping and wanting to take over.
You are NOT the bad guy if you don't DO, you are the bad guy if you don't DIRECT.
Then I applied this to marriage and realized that I had been too afraid to take charge. That's an interesting phrase, as well, "Take Charge." It implies that you TAKE it, but that's not how it works in reality. She OFFERS her charge, and then you take it. She's not a slave I can walk up to , examine her teeth and then say, "She's suitable, wash it down, dress it up, and I'll visit it in my chambers tonight if I get time." She's a Captain.
A woman IS a Captain. She has her own life. Her own dreams. Her own resources. Her own foibles and quirks. She's amazing, talented and wonderful. A general would be PROUD to have a second in command like her. After all, guys, you looked at her skills, talents and abilities..... and not her rump, hips and pretty smile, right? She KNOWS what she looks like, and she knows she has a lot of power in those twinkles, and if you are no better than the average guy she manipulates (knowingly or out of instinct) then she will never respect you or let you lead her. You are her toy. SHE is in charge. Oh, she may marry you, and you should start whinnying, because you are just the pack-mule. She WILL resent you quickly. You are not her leader, and she will always be looking for her leader. This is part of the curse. "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” And I really should deal with that one a moment.
Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Desire is like - Longing, craving, a beast to devour. It's used for the emotion of, "Damn she has a nice ass," or, "Wow, look at him, makes me get goosebumps... I'll be right back."
Rule over you means to have dominion, watching, keeping an eye on, and basically being the overseer.
Taken all together, you want men, you want them now, and you want the biggest and baddest you can find, and when you get him, he'll lord it over you and make you miserable because he'll not give you a minute's peace. If he's not strong enough, you'll want stronger and stronger and stronger. Does that about sum it up, ladies? It's meant to be a curse, and in practice, it is. And it's just as bad as knowing that no matter how hard we try as men, we're going to fail, not by our own hands, and often. The job will end suddenly, the crops will fail, the hail will break the new plants, and the weeds and insects will leave us scrambling to find another way to survive.
Anyway, back to it.
I finally learned that polygyny is not monogamy x2. Monogamy is not even monogamy, because what we call monogamy in the USA is as often as not something strange and perverted as far as crafting a family is concerned. We are in a world of hurt right now because of polygamy. We gave it up, in the interest of making a cult go away, and as a result, marriage in the USA is out of balance. The multi-person structure is learned from poly. The individual independence is learned from celibacy. Monogamy was SUPPOSED to be a blend of the two. I think this is why God had no issue with Lamech, Noah's dad, having two wives. It's also, I would guess, why Noah was chosen by God instead of someone else, because without that training on dealing with large families, the flood may have happened quite differently. This is supported also when God chose Gideon to lead because HE had many wives. Having many wives means you are structured, organized, and on top of things. (No pun intended, lol)
So I started rebuilding my life.
I learned to take command. It's not easy, even now, but it was absolutely paramount if I ever wanted to marry again.
I studied leadership and how it works.
I decided on a structure using an old Jewish tool called a Ketubah.
I decided that when I marry again I would CRAFT my marriage, negotiate with her, set structure in place to start with, and build the kind of marriage I wanted from the ground up. I also decided I would stop being a coward and face problems head on, and if needed, put my foot down on issues that arise that needed to be dealt with. I also promised myself that I would do my best to use tact and not bull a china shop.
I also said that a marriage does not start with a man on his knees in front of the woman. How do you expect to LEAD a woman if you start the relationship begging her to marry you? "Please Mistress, let me lead you, please?"
Then I met this really amazing lady. She was smarter than many I'd met, and had amazing skillz. And I could not marry her. I was not getting on my knees and asking her. If she wanted to marry me, she would ask me. I would lead her from the very first moment and she would become my family. I would build a family from the ground up and it would be like a poly marriage. I would value every aspect of her life, and I would embrace the curse and not fight it - I would rule over her, and do it in a way that made it as easy a burden to bear as I possibly could. I would send her to school if she asked, and I would give her every tool I could to let her grow and become the strongest, bravest, wisest woman she could possibly be. And about four days into our dating, I made banana bread, she took one bite and said, I kid you not... "Marry me, please."
It's been rough at times. We've been together for about 6 years now, and every morning I wake up and cry inside a little that we can't spend even more time together than we do. She has grown to the point that she's now looking to add someone to our marriage. It'll be interesting to say the least. But she also wants me to put all of this down in a book, along with my reasoning and conclusions to try to help others rebuild their marriages.
Now, she woke up, and while I love to write, I also love to hug and I need to go do that for a while.
