Is the first wife's consent required for a man to take a second wife?
The Bible is clear that polygyny is acceptable, and does not require the consent of the first wife. However, most men come to understand this only after they are already married to one wife. And most of these vowed to take their wife only, "forsaking all others", at their wedding. This man will now be breaking his wedding vows should he take a second wife. So does the first wife need to release the husband from his vows before he can remarry, or can he take a second wife even if she disagrees?
This is a contentious issue, that has caused much strife for many families. It is possible to argue for different perspectives from scripture, and there are people on this website with a range of views. This article discusses how to approach the issue to come to your own conclusions. It is important for a prospective additional wife to find out whether her prospective husband has his current wife/wives consent for the additional marriage, as this will have an enormous influence on how successful the marriages are likely to be.
It is best to separate this question into two situations: 1) The ideal which we would encourage everyone to follow, and 2) What to do when a messy situation arises.
1) The ideal.
There are scriptural arguments that can be made against this view - for instance, if the vow can be released by the wife, and the wife must obey her husband, maybe he can simply require her to release him from the vow. Also, if the vow itself is believed to be unGodly, maybe the husband should instead be seeking God's forgiveness and release from it rather than his wife's. This position is not set in stone. However if a man enters into a second marriage without the consent of his first wife, he is likely to regret his decision, as his first wife will be very unhappy, and "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Proverbs 21:9). Solomon probably knew well what he was talking about there...
Husbands, do not pursue additional wives without the consent of the first. First wives, diligently seek the scriptures and do not hold back your consent if you agree that polygyny is acceptable in God's sight. Prospective new wives, find out whether your prospective husband has the consent of his first, and tread very cautiously if he does not - you want a husband who keeps his word, and a family that is harmonious.
2) When a messy situation arises.
That might be ideal, but life is often different. People often come to this forum for counsel when their lives are complicated, and do not fit the simple ideal picture described above. We must be able to work through non-ideal situations with our eyes on God's Word, and many discussions on this forum deal with non-ideal situations. Two examples of such situations are:
a) A man has already broken his vow to remain faithful to his first wife, and has taken a second woman in some way (anything from a secret affair to actually bringing her into the home). Now he realises he's stuffed up, and wants to know how to fix it. Should he abandon his second wife, becoming faithful again only to the first? Or should he accept that he now has obligations to both women, and attempt to keep both? Either choice would be painful for someone - either he divorces the second (breaking Matthew 5:32, Deuteronomy 22:28-29), or he keeps the second (breaking his vow to his first wife).
In this case however, the vow has already been broken. This cannot be erased. To attempt to honour this vow now would involve sinning against God's laws against divorce - and one sin does not justify another sin. Two wrongs do not make a right.
To help illustrate the point, this is similar to the debate around whether it is right to allow abortion in the case of pregnancy due to rape. Rape is a heinous crime, and is a sin. However so is murder. Just because a woman has suffered a terrible sin against her (the rape) does not mean she is justified in sinning against another (by having the child killed). In the same way, just because a man has already sinned against his first wife (by not honouring his vows to her), this does not mean he is justified in then sinning against the second (by divorcing her). He now needs to take responsibility for his actions - even if his first wife maintains her objection to polygyny.
In reality, if a man has done this, he’s going to have hurt his first wife very deeply, and possibly the second as well. It will be extremely difficult for him to bring them together into a single family, he will have a long hard road to rebuild the trust of his first wife, and he may be unable to. Although the end goal should be to take responsibility for both women as wives, he may find that he must put the new relationship on hold for a time as part of the journey, in order to preserve his family, without abandoning his obligations. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I must be very clear that I am NOT saying it is acceptable for a man to just go and have an affair and then tell his first wife that she’s stuck with polygamy now. That would be a very foolish and hurtful thing to do. But there are men who have already done that, and they need guidance as to how God would have them heal the hurt they have caused by their actions.
b) A man has come to recognise polygyny is acceptable, and has been abandoned by his first wife who disagrees with him. He hopes one day to be reconciled with her, but she will not return while he believes polygyny is acceptable, and he will not abandon God's Word to please his wife. After years of separation, he falls in love with a second woman. Can he marry her, despite the objection of his first wife, because she has to all intents and purposes abandoned her side of the vows by leaving him? I'll leave this one for you to ponder.
To summarise:
- A man should always seek the consent of his first wife before pursuing a second.
- However we cannot hold that opinion so strongly that it causes us to encourage further sin, or prevents us from seeking God's will in real-life complex situations.
This site exists to both encourage people to do the right thing from the start, and to help people who have ended up in imperfect situations due to either the failings of themselves or others.
Related discussions:
Related FAQ topics:
The Bible is clear that polygyny is acceptable, and does not require the consent of the first wife. However, most men come to understand this only after they are already married to one wife. And most of these vowed to take their wife only, "forsaking all others", at their wedding. This man will now be breaking his wedding vows should he take a second wife. So does the first wife need to release the husband from his vows before he can remarry, or can he take a second wife even if she disagrees?
This is a contentious issue, that has caused much strife for many families. It is possible to argue for different perspectives from scripture, and there are people on this website with a range of views. This article discusses how to approach the issue to come to your own conclusions. It is important for a prospective additional wife to find out whether her prospective husband has his current wife/wives consent for the additional marriage, as this will have an enormous influence on how successful the marriages are likely to be.
It is best to separate this question into two situations: 1) The ideal which we would encourage everyone to follow, and 2) What to do when a messy situation arises.
1) The ideal.
We should not make vows, as they are extremely solemn and must be followed. However many of us have already made vows, the wording of which we may regret. Despite the fact that we now disagree with them, they are still binding on us.
These vows are binding. However the person a vow is made to can release someone from the vow (e.g. Genesis 24:8). A willing wife can release her husband from the vow he made to be monogamous, allowing him to take additional wives.
There are scriptural arguments that can be made against this view - for instance, if the vow can be released by the wife, and the wife must obey her husband, maybe he can simply require her to release him from the vow. Also, if the vow itself is believed to be unGodly, maybe the husband should instead be seeking God's forgiveness and release from it rather than his wife's. This position is not set in stone. However if a man enters into a second marriage without the consent of his first wife, he is likely to regret his decision, as his first wife will be very unhappy, and "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Proverbs 21:9). Solomon probably knew well what he was talking about there...
Husbands, do not pursue additional wives without the consent of the first. First wives, diligently seek the scriptures and do not hold back your consent if you agree that polygyny is acceptable in God's sight. Prospective new wives, find out whether your prospective husband has the consent of his first, and tread very cautiously if he does not - you want a husband who keeps his word, and a family that is harmonious.
2) When a messy situation arises.
That might be ideal, but life is often different. People often come to this forum for counsel when their lives are complicated, and do not fit the simple ideal picture described above. We must be able to work through non-ideal situations with our eyes on God's Word, and many discussions on this forum deal with non-ideal situations. Two examples of such situations are:
a) A man has already broken his vow to remain faithful to his first wife, and has taken a second woman in some way (anything from a secret affair to actually bringing her into the home). Now he realises he's stuffed up, and wants to know how to fix it. Should he abandon his second wife, becoming faithful again only to the first? Or should he accept that he now has obligations to both women, and attempt to keep both? Either choice would be painful for someone - either he divorces the second (breaking Matthew 5:32, Deuteronomy 22:28-29), or he keeps the second (breaking his vow to his first wife).
In this case however, the vow has already been broken. This cannot be erased. To attempt to honour this vow now would involve sinning against God's laws against divorce - and one sin does not justify another sin. Two wrongs do not make a right.
To help illustrate the point, this is similar to the debate around whether it is right to allow abortion in the case of pregnancy due to rape. Rape is a heinous crime, and is a sin. However so is murder. Just because a woman has suffered a terrible sin against her (the rape) does not mean she is justified in sinning against another (by having the child killed). In the same way, just because a man has already sinned against his first wife (by not honouring his vows to her), this does not mean he is justified in then sinning against the second (by divorcing her). He now needs to take responsibility for his actions - even if his first wife maintains her objection to polygyny.
In reality, if a man has done this, he’s going to have hurt his first wife very deeply, and possibly the second as well. It will be extremely difficult for him to bring them together into a single family, he will have a long hard road to rebuild the trust of his first wife, and he may be unable to. Although the end goal should be to take responsibility for both women as wives, he may find that he must put the new relationship on hold for a time as part of the journey, in order to preserve his family, without abandoning his obligations. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I must be very clear that I am NOT saying it is acceptable for a man to just go and have an affair and then tell his first wife that she’s stuck with polygamy now. That would be a very foolish and hurtful thing to do. But there are men who have already done that, and they need guidance as to how God would have them heal the hurt they have caused by their actions.
b) A man has come to recognise polygyny is acceptable, and has been abandoned by his first wife who disagrees with him. He hopes one day to be reconciled with her, but she will not return while he believes polygyny is acceptable, and he will not abandon God's Word to please his wife. After years of separation, he falls in love with a second woman. Can he marry her, despite the objection of his first wife, because she has to all intents and purposes abandoned her side of the vows by leaving him? I'll leave this one for you to ponder.
To summarise:
- A man should always seek the consent of his first wife before pursuing a second.
- However we cannot hold that opinion so strongly that it causes us to encourage further sin, or prevents us from seeking God's will in real-life complex situations.
This site exists to both encourage people to do the right thing from the start, and to help people who have ended up in imperfect situations due to either the failings of themselves or others.
Related discussions:
Related FAQ topics: