Did we just kill the phoenix?

[irishprincess09]

Where do I even begin?? Late November, I felt as though God was leading me to a poly lifestyle. I brought this to my husband and after some prayer and talking, he agreed that he felt the same way..Shortly there after, my husband introduced me to a woman that he works with. It seemed that God had brought us a SW and I was thrilled. In a very short period of time, we had a commitment ceremony and began to figure out what our new life was supposed to look like. Now allow me to fill in a few blanks. I personally spent a lot of time praying over this. I began to struggle, I prayed. Each time I prayed, it seemed that God almost instantly, would calm my fears and give me peace. So I kept pushing forward.
However, pushing seems to be the key here. I have come to realize, and I believe that my DH has too.. that we rushed this. What began as truly seeking and walking with God, turned into a matter of lip service to Him, while our pride forged ahead.
My SW began to say and do small things that caused me to have "red flags" about her motives and reasons for wanting this relationship. Before I knew it, I was in a full mental melt down and made my DH chose between us knowing he would send her on her way.
This only happened on 1/10. Words cannot even begin to describe this pain that I am feeling. When someone you love dies, you often experience that complete sense of loss that leaves you aching and unable to breath. What I am feeling now, goes beyond even that. What I cannot tell is if I am feeling this way at the loss of my SW, the loss of what I THOUGHT this would be or at the loss of my marriage between DH and me. We are still married, but our relationship has changed and been so strained that I feel as though I am spiritually divorced from him. He has shut himself off emotionally in order to cope with everything and this has only added to my pain and loss. I reached a point where I really felt as though I could not live this lifestyle any more and did not want this kind of a marriage. I still feel fairly certain about that. However, I have started to wonder if this feeling is me rebelling against God, or if it is my "check and balance" telling me that this is not for me...
I will be the first to admit that we REALLY screwed this up. We did not give this the due time that it required and deserved. Had we done so, a large part of me believes that we would have ended this during the courtship phase and never made a commitment. I see now all to clearly our mistakes. What I really struggle with now is, "Is there hope for the 3 of us to rebuild this from the ashes?" "Do I even WANT to rebuild this?" "Do I have a choice?"
One more thing that really adds to this is my family. There are two family members and my best friend that know about our 'life style change'.. As if telling them of our choice in the beginning wasn't hard enough..now I am faced with the chance of having to tell them that we are giving this another go. They all see this as a bad phase I went through and my DH as having had an affair. They do not understand the heart ache, nor will they understand if I chose to submit myself to this again. To be honest, I have thought about leaving this whole mess on the side of the road to die, just to avoid dealing with them again should we try again. I am afraid that I don't have a specific question to pose for anyone reading this..I just needed a place to put it. So here it is. Any advice, words of wisdom, anything would be appreciated..

 

[nathan]

Dear IP, my heart aches for you on reading this. I know one of the caring pastors associated with BF will open to talking and praying with you, and that is probably best done behind the scenes - I hope you'll respond when contacted. We will be praying for you - and we just have. There is always hope. But as you now know, it takes more than hope. It takes more than 'wanting it'. Being successful at PM takes a life-change greater than most folks realize ahead time (I'm sure you can't fully appreciate it ahead time), and yes, you are exactly right - 'rushing' is universally a bad idea.

I'm so sorry - I hope our prayers and support here at BF can be of help. Let's at least find out, OK?

I'd like to take a moment to turn to everyone else, and say please don't let IP09's pain go unnoticed by you. Pray for her. And resolve not to rush a marriage, especially a second marriage. You are just asking for heartache.

Be comforted sister, God still loves you, and has good things for you. Growth through pain, may be the first thing on His list.

 

[Anonymous]

I was in a full mental melt down and made my DH chose between us knowing he would send her on her way.
This only happened on 1/10. Words cannot even begin to describe this pain that I am feeling.

What about the pain she's experiencing??? Your husband married her and she thought she had a husband....now that's been taken away from her. I am genuinely sorry that you're in pain but I think it was awful for your husband to make a marriage commitment to this woman and then break it !

I have heard of this happening a lot and it really makes me question the security a 2nd wife really has in a poly family if this is what can happen to her!

I'd like to take a moment to turn to everyone else, and say please don't let IP09's pain go unnoticed by you. Pray for her.

I will pray for her but I'm angry at the way the 2nd wife was packed off. Whether the marriage was rushed or not, a marriage did occur and it's not right to simply send her away when the going got rough. I'm sorry, Nathan, but this has upset me very much.
Blessings,
Fairlight

 

[Lysistrata]

Sweetie, the issue is your husband. He has no jangles to put it mildly. He should NEVER have let his other woman go. You went from jealousy to guilt because of the end of a relationship that he should have never began if he didn't have the capability to carry through. Now there are two women with broken hearts and a lack of trust and respect for their husband. Sister, sit back and let your husband fix this. I can tell by your words that you know exactly where you went wrong. It is time for your husband to man up and take some responsibility now.

I am sorry to tell you that it is not YOUR duty to rebuild from the ashes. That is his. He is the one who bowed to your emotional strain. Instead of being the man that he should have been, loving you and leading you, he dropped his other woman and then is making you feel like you did something wrong! You are only responsible for your own thoughts and actions. It is obvious that you recognize your error. Does he see his?

 

[DrRay777]

IP,

Please don't add insult to injury by overreacting to what is now an even more difficult situation than to start. Take some time to allow things to cool down and pray for wisdom. It sounds as though there was flesh from all angles and even if God was in it to start, the flesh took over. It is now time to return to the Spirit of God for guidance and allow the ministers from this site to counsel you. Please try to filter what is said through the Word of God and view them from the Father’s perspective. He wants you to be happy and not miserable, but you have to give up your right to be right. Not to become a doormat, but to allow others preference before you. Love is GIVING. John 3:16 says that ‘...for God so loved the world that He GAVE...’ and He gave His best. Love is GIVING and it is for giving, so it must be also FORGIVING. Forgive and allow the wounds to heal. Pray and use the Word and wisdom of God to be the guiding principles for the healing. Do not let attitudes and finger pointing be your guide. It sounds as though you started in the right direction and got off the path. You now need to repent and forgive and ask God to put you right and help the others to see the light and truth. Allow Jesus and His people to help you.

Blessings,

Dr. Ray

 

[sweetlissa]

I am a second wife, and having been through the rejection involved here I can honestly say that I feel for every member of your family. PM is not to be done half heartedly or as an experiment. A lifetime committment is a lifetime committment. Of course your relationship with hubby has changed. You forced him to make a decision that went against ever fiber of his being. He made a committment to that woman and you forced him to renege on it. It has changed the way he sees you and the way he sees himself. Even if you do try to resolve the issues with SW he will always wonder if it is coming again. I know all about those red flags and they may have been real... or they may have been satan playing tricks on you to destroy this relationship. I cannot imagine how she feels since she works with hubby and has to interact with him at work.

Irishprincess, I believe that there is hope for the relationship, but you must decide in your heart that it is what you want and that you will never change your mind again. Because if she comes back and you do this again it will change everything forever.

I agree that your husband was at fault as well, because he didn't stand up to you, but I think the entire situation could have been avoided if you had been pro-active about talking about the red flags as they came up. You don't know this woman well enough to guess what her motivations were. Maybe you were right and maybe not, but the reality is that you missed an opportunity for growth that you probably won't get again for awhile. Trust is easily broken and not won back quickly.

Whether or not you get back with SW I would suggest that you do a couple of things

1. Decide if hubby is really the head of your home. If he isn't, let him be and if he is check your own submission level.
2. Decide if God's opinion matters more to you than your friends and relatives. If God's opinion matters more to you then you need to stop letting the relatives and friends in on every little detail of the relationship. I don't tell my family every time hubby does something I don't agree with. Marriage counseling 101 tells us that the marriage relationship is between the people in the relaitionship. Family involvment will not have a positive affect on your marriage. (I know this from experience.)

If I were in your shoes, my first action would be one of apology, because you definitely started the problem and it is only by repenting that you will begin to see an end to all your suffering.

SweetLissa

 

[MarvelousMarvin]

IP, my heart goes out to all three of you. And if there are any children in your family, my heart goes out to them as well.

I am trying to write this through a couple of eyes full of tears. Having gone through a divorce nearly 14 years ago, I know how much pain is involved. (The divorce was her choice, not mine...I still love her, and it still hurts, even though I am now married to a beautiful Christian who loves both the Lord and me very much.) The only thing worse than losing a loved one to divorce is to lose a loved one to death.

The only verse that comes to my mind is this:

Romans 8:28 NKJV And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

We serve a God Who specializes in taking our broken pieces and building something beautiful – the broken pieces of a life, the broken pieces of a monogomous marriage, the broken pieces of a plural marriage. But only if we allow Him to do so.

While I refuse to play the "blame game," it is up to the head of the family to initiate reconciliation. All three of you must be willing to accept responsibility for the failed relationships, and that will probably include accepting responsibility for something you did not do. (Jesus, the Great Example, took responsibility for MY sins!) But the best advice I can offer has already been offered by Nathan: talk to a pastor who is part of the BFF family!

We who have rediscovered truth about Biblical Marriage are blazing a new trail. We don't have the example of the previous generation to show us the way. In fact, we generally suffer from the condemnation of not only the previous generation, but of society at large, because of our belief in Biblical Plural Marriage. The only way we can possibly have any hope of success is to get as close to our Heavenly Father as we possibly can.

The question I keep asking myself is this: do I have what it takes to lead my family in the way of righteousness? Or will I "wimp out" when the going gets rough?

Let me climb up on Daddy's lap and ask Him...

 

[irishprincess09]

Since I wrote this late last night, I decided to read over it again and see if there was anything else that I should have added. So let me say this, I am not the most mentally stable person. I suffer from Bi Polar and have not been able (for one reason or another) to take meds. But I have been in therapy and am resuming that today. When I asked my DH to chose, he told her that he felt we needed to put things on hold for the time being so that he could focus on trying to help me get better. He did not "release" her but did give her the choice. He explained that he realized he had not done this right, from the start and needed to have time to help me get better and figure out how to make this all work, if it can. If she wanted, he would release her because he felt that she had been wronged and should not have to comit herself to this if it is not what she wanted. He also told her that if she chose, she could stay but would have to be willing to wait while he focused on me and my issues. He also told her that should she chose to stay, her and I would need to work on building more of a friendship, since we did not give that the time needed either. We both understand that this was 'un-bibical', and are working through that. Thank you to everyone who has posted and shared their advice and wisdom. We will keep you posted as God works with us through this.

 

[steve]

ip,
let me just thank you for your honesty and transparency. not many would be willing to allow others to learn from their mistakes in such an open manner.

we learn more from feeling the pain of others mistakes than from reading their sermons.

many thanx

 

[Tali]

Princess,

We are praying for you, DH and SW, as everyone must be in a lot of pain. Speaking from the standpoint of spiritual warfare, we have noticed that it seems that if the enemy can't get people to reject poly, he will push them to rush into it with far less time and consideration than they took for the "marriage of their youth." You are certainly not the first one, and I believe God will use your mistakes in ways that will astound you.

That being said, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your willingness to be transparent, humble, accountable and teachable. That is a rare quality these days, and I know this setback will only be such if you let your precious heart become hardened. I have confidence that you won't do that.

May healing begin for all of you as you seek Him, and may this community serve to be a manifestation of the balm of Gilead.

Shalom,
Ali

Remember, the phoenix rises again, and may it be so for you, on Yeshua's terms.

 

[CecilW]

Dear IP:

Having read all the incredible pain and wisdom poured out already in this thread, I don't know what to add, other than that I, too, commiserate with the pain of all 3 of you, and will hold y'all up in prayer.

 

[Isabella]

I am sorry to hear this, like many have said before me, thank you Ip for being brave and open enough to tell your story on here, many people make that mistake to rush into this lifestyle, few come back to tell/warn others about the dangers.

Best of luck to all three of you in the future and I sincerely hope you Ip can get the right help you need to make you feel mentally and emotionally healthy.

kindest regards,

B
x

 

[SeekingGrace]

We are praying for you all! Even if the timing was off, God can bring beauty from these ashes and be glorified in all your lives.

 

[Loclorin]

I thought that I would speak up here even though I usually just read the posts and keep my opinions to myself. The entire situation has been a definite learning experience in that the SW in question has presented herself as a fellow believer and coming into this with the best of intentions for the FW and the family. However I have kept myself guarded from the beginning where all this is concerned because when my wife brought this to me my first response was that I had no interest in pursuing a PM unless she was able to guarantee that she was in a place in her own life where she was healthy enough to follow through with this whole heartedly and lean on me when she needed to as this is hard enough for a healthy godly woman, much less one who struggles with a Bi-polar disorder. That said I have to admit that I did not keep a handle on controlling and guiding my household and even at times of stress fell back into a old habit of relinquishing authority and headship to my FW in order to "keep the peace" with her and keep her appeased. I know how wrong I was in that and can not repent enough for that fall. It has made it so much harder for her to actually believe and rely on me to stand up and take the role with authority. Now however on the topic of the SW. Yes the three of us stood together and prayed that God would bless us entering into this relationship together and believed that wholeheartedly, however I feel that I have been able to see behaviors and situations that make me question the legitimacy of that commitment. She (SW) has been manipulative and underhanded in her dealings between my FW and myself and at one point even suggested to me that it may be better for everyone if I simply have my FW committed for her mental illness and on another time slipped up and stated the she really did not want to be SW but would be happier as FW and not in a PM at all. Apart from what I view as behaviors that have to me shown her to be trying to supplant my FW I have also now the guilt of a new problem in that I have reason to believe that SW lead me to believe that she was legally divorced from her first husband when in reality she was not, so now I have to wrestle with the fact that through her dishonesty she may have caused me to instead of entering into a PM to have instead committed adultery since she may still be legally married. And though she left him for legitimate reasons in that he was abusive, an unbeliever, and even went so far as to threaten to kill their daughter if she left him, that does not dissolve their union legally. So I am sorry to my Irish princess for not guarding her better, letting this get rushed to fast, and not being the husband I should have been. I have learned from this but would not wish this type of lesson directly on any other person and praise God that he has had the grace to pick me up in my time of need. At this point I still see nothing unbiblical about this but don't see myself wanting this anymore, but know that whatever God has for me I will do his will to the best of my ability. I know in time I will heal from this and may even open myself to this again.
Like The Phoenix I Will Rise From These Ashes. For God Has The Ability To Raise Me From This Death.

 

[Anonymous]

Now however on the topic of the SW. Yes the three of us stood together and prayed that God would bless us entering into this relationship together and believed that wholeheartedly, however I feel that I have been able to see behaviors and situations that make me question the legitimacy of that commitment.

I am sorry for all the pain the 3 of you are going through but the bottom line remains unchanged. You married the other woman. You made a commitment to her in the presence of God. She is your wife.
Blessings,
Fairlight

 

[Isabella]

I am sorry for all the pain the 3 of you are going through but the bottom line remains unchanged. You married the other woman. You made a commitment to her in the presence of God. She is your wife.
Blessings,
Fairlight

I agree with Fairlight, to a point, the problem here is both rushing through a commitment to someone you don't know well and your wife, not communicating her concerns/needs/jealousies and worries effectively until the stress grew too much for her and she chose to throw out the baby with the bathwater. This is not a mature or ethical response to the situation and you definitely should not have abandoned your commitment to your new relationship by capitulating to that sort of emotional blackmail. What does that say about your word of honour if you throw a commitment away so easily? It makes a mockery in the idea of equality between spouses if you would get rid of one wife because the other is jealous and does not trust the other. Not only that, it proves that neither of you saw this woman as a real person, but instead she was a toy, an experiment in Polygamy, which you expected to be more 'fun' and less 'stressful'.
Marriage IS stressful, a poly marriage doubly so. Most people do not marry and move in with their first partners in the way they seem to rush into it when they get the idea of Polygamy, feeding off the fantasy until the reality becomes too much.
It is tragic, not just for your family, but for the whole community who fight constantly against the notion from the outside Polyphobic world that our relationships can never be fulfilling and whole, that they will always be fraught with jealousies and strife and that second wives/partners will never, be anything more than a disposable extra, whose position in the family is dependant solely on how happy the first wife is to have her.

B

 

[CecilW]

Thanks for writing, Loclorin. Your journey and growth through this is apparent as well, and we hold you up before God in prayer.

While I agree with the sentiments already stated -- you DO seem to have entered into a covenant relationship, and it IS your job to stand up as a man in levels that we men can get away with ignoring in monogamy, ... enough of the hubby bashing. Let's figure out what we can do to help these folks move forward.

Don't let the fact that your Scottish Princess (Scotland being second only to Ireland, right? :roll: :lol: ) is still legally married throw you too badly. Others of us, including myself, have had to deal with that. The answer to it is to simply assist her to get her legal situation clarified. And if need be, let the abuser know that she now has protection, both from you, and from a large and extended community, ... let's leave that one there for the moment.

Next, it sounds to me as though you need to sit down with all three of you and clarify some things.

a) YOU are in it for the long haul. This "choose one" business was a one time, fear-driven event that will NOT be repeated by you.

b) YOU are the leader and will do your best to not forget that again, but since you're also human and as messed up as the rest of us, you may well need reminding. They are welcome to remind you until it becomes habit and reminders are no longer needed.

c) Communication is everything, and triangulation is poison! It will work out so very much better if all 3 of you talk together, a LOT. Any time one comes to talk to you about the other, that should be taken as a request to have an all-three meeting. Every single time. (That's my idea. If anyone who HAS 2 wives in relationship has a better idea, PLEASE jump right in and correct me!)

d) Neither wife is in bondage. Marriage was made for our benefit, not to tie us up into yet another sort of hopeless bondage. If your new wife says, clearly, that she entered the relationship with deceitful intentions, to take you away for herself, and that remains her goal, let her know that that is not an option, and let her decide what she wants to do.

However, having said that, I suspect that it perfectly NORMAL for first wives to sometimes long for the days when things were simpler, before SW came along. And it is probably equally NORMAL for SWs to sometimes wish that they could be the one and only. Hey, it's probaboly also normal for us guys to sometimes think longingly of what it might be like if we were only SINGLE just now, with our incomes and an ability to travel and try new things and get new toys and ... But we all get past it and keep on keepin' on, right? So don't nobody freak!

Ok, that's 2 or 3 cents worth of advice. Enough for today. If too much, perhaps 1 or 2 of the cents will roll down the gutter into the storm drain. :lol: Hope y'all's day goes well.

 

[Doc]

Hey everyone,

You know I don't jump in often, but this time I thought I would try to offer some words of encouragement if I could.

Encouragement? Yes....the reason why is that first of all, you recognize the problem, and you know what you need to do to fix it.

Here is what I would recommend:

The three of you need to to get together, whether in person or on the phone, and pray together, and you need to do this EVERYDAY. Pray for the needs of one another before your own. Then pray for yourselves as a family. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom as to how to proceed from this point. The Word of God gives us the promise that when we ask for wisdom, we are guaranteed to receive it (James 1:5).

Mark 10:9 tells us that what God has joined together, let no man separate...including our own mistakes.

Here is what I want to tell you. Yes, mistakes were made. By the name of Jesus, you are forgiven for all those mistakes. It is in the past, it is under His blood. Those mistakes are now as far from you as the east is from the west. Now start fresh, start new, and start RIGHT NOW. Don't think about it, don't contemplate it, don't try to 'work it out'. Just forgive one another, love one another, put the needs of the others before your own, and start living FREE.

Blessings,

Doc

 

[Anonymous]

It is tragic, not just for your family, but for the whole community who fight constantly against the notion from the outside Polyphobic world that our relationships can never be fulfilling and whole, that they will always be fraught with jealousies and strife and that second wives/partners will never, be anything more than a disposable extra, whose position in the family is dependant solely on how happy the first wife is to have her.

B

Exactly, Well said, Isabella!

enough of the hubby bashing.

It's not really "hubby bashing".....it's far more an acknowledgment that too many 2nd wives have been or are being treated this way...and it needs to stop.
I will be praying that this family can work things out.
Blessings,
Fairlight

 

[CecilW]

It's not really "hubby bashing".....it's far more an acknowledgment that too many 2nd wives have been or are being treated this way...and it needs to stop.

Fair enough, Fairlight. I fully acknowledge both the point and it's validity. You are right. It does happen to often, does need to stop, and the starting point of responsibility to fix it is with us guys. Family leadership is male, and no amount of abdication makes it otherwise.

Having said that, I'm mostly interested in what we can do or offer to help these folks FIX things, assuming that ALL 3 are willing. Takes 2 to tango, but 3 to PM.