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Damaged Goods
- Thread starter Maddog
- Start date
My master took on a severely damaged good, me.
That is really tough to answer with the broad strokes of the question.
I will hit a few bullet points that are purely personal but I suspect may ring true with some other men.
- high body count or having been a prostitute etc. The shallow but still truthful and perfectly valid reason is that I prefer my own personal vehicle rather than the city bus. The slightly more cerebral part is that woman who have a high body count are going to be more likely to have issues with difficulty bonding and more apt to stray. Not all obviously in the event anybody wants to try to deflect with picking of gnits etc. The likelihood is significantly higher for a fact. Most men are adverse to being a cuckold and having their life resources and precious remaining time on earth being used to raise the child of an affair, whether they know of it or not. Comes down to lower trust.
Mental health problems - This is a big one. Too big for the thumbnail sketch I can manage in a reasonable amount of time.
If you can not reasonably visualize what life might be like with a partner because you can not predict how they will react to situations be they normal or stressful or if they will even have memories of extreme episodes etc, how can you plan a life? How can you know that you can provide a safe harbor for a woman and your children when the potential danger be it just emotional or physical, is in the house with you?
That is not nearly enough and I while I do know how to address things like depression and anxiety etc, when you get far far more extreme...it looks like you are going in to just be an emotional punching bag. Not healthy and especially if there are kids. How do you shield them?
Extreme world view differences - I know most will not see this as an issue of broken women but I can casually argue it over a beer with you and you end up paying the tab...because I am correct.
Women are far more open to social pressures and social indoctrination with maladsptive ideas. I am not blaming them. Our brains are wired for different tasks and woman are simply better at discerning and adapting to the cultural zeitgeist of a time and becoming more evangelical about it. Woman used to be more conservative than men because a strong faith was the way of the land as it were and they obviously had higher religiosity...in large part because of their propensity to be part of the group and adhear to the group dynamics.
Now they have shifted the same way the western world has shifted. A corruptocratic secular mask for a new itteration of a melding of several isms. Wont go deeper as this was not the question.
Personal level, I am happy to teach and debunk ideas all day long. I am not however willing to spend my marriage fighting with someone who is brainwashed into lunatic ideologies.
Extreme baggage - not blaming those who have had bad times in previous relationships and the like but I do not want the bad times of the past to eclipse the good times one is trying to build. I do not wish to be forced to go into extreme guard dog mode with some ex showing up with poor impulse control and causing problems...be they emotional, financial, legal or physical.
We should all know our limitations and I know that I am just not the guy to react well to threats and as much as one wishes to be the most patient husband, I have no interest in being an overt second fiddle to the memories of a previous relationship that is consuming all of their headspace. I could go on about kids and how they are effected but I don't wish to belabor the point.
Personally I am in this for family. Not for my ego, not for getting extra sexusl partners or even having another set of hands and a head applied to problems. Family is above all and if some of the bits of damage make that family more difficult to potentially impossible, then I would sooner sit thst one out. A broken family is...well, I suspect we all have our own way we would couch the circumstances...for me it is tragic. I have had my fill of tragedy with respect to family. Happiness is the goal.
Those are just a few off the top of my head notions.
If you dial in tighter on what you have in mind, I suspect the guys can give you better feedback be it pro or con
I will hit a few bullet points that are purely personal but I suspect may ring true with some other men.
- high body count or having been a prostitute etc. The shallow but still truthful and perfectly valid reason is that I prefer my own personal vehicle rather than the city bus. The slightly more cerebral part is that woman who have a high body count are going to be more likely to have issues with difficulty bonding and more apt to stray. Not all obviously in the event anybody wants to try to deflect with picking of gnits etc. The likelihood is significantly higher for a fact. Most men are adverse to being a cuckold and having their life resources and precious remaining time on earth being used to raise the child of an affair, whether they know of it or not. Comes down to lower trust.
Mental health problems - This is a big one. Too big for the thumbnail sketch I can manage in a reasonable amount of time.
If you can not reasonably visualize what life might be like with a partner because you can not predict how they will react to situations be they normal or stressful or if they will even have memories of extreme episodes etc, how can you plan a life? How can you know that you can provide a safe harbor for a woman and your children when the potential danger be it just emotional or physical, is in the house with you?
That is not nearly enough and I while I do know how to address things like depression and anxiety etc, when you get far far more extreme...it looks like you are going in to just be an emotional punching bag. Not healthy and especially if there are kids. How do you shield them?
Extreme world view differences - I know most will not see this as an issue of broken women but I can casually argue it over a beer with you and you end up paying the tab...because I am correct.
Women are far more open to social pressures and social indoctrination with maladsptive ideas. I am not blaming them. Our brains are wired for different tasks and woman are simply better at discerning and adapting to the cultural zeitgeist of a time and becoming more evangelical about it. Woman used to be more conservative than men because a strong faith was the way of the land as it were and they obviously had higher religiosity...in large part because of their propensity to be part of the group and adhear to the group dynamics.
Now they have shifted the same way the western world has shifted. A corruptocratic secular mask for a new itteration of a melding of several isms. Wont go deeper as this was not the question.
Personal level, I am happy to teach and debunk ideas all day long. I am not however willing to spend my marriage fighting with someone who is brainwashed into lunatic ideologies.
Extreme baggage - not blaming those who have had bad times in previous relationships and the like but I do not want the bad times of the past to eclipse the good times one is trying to build. I do not wish to be forced to go into extreme guard dog mode with some ex showing up with poor impulse control and causing problems...be they emotional, financial, legal or physical.
We should all know our limitations and I know that I am just not the guy to react well to threats and as much as one wishes to be the most patient husband, I have no interest in being an overt second fiddle to the memories of a previous relationship that is consuming all of their headspace. I could go on about kids and how they are effected but I don't wish to belabor the point.
Personally I am in this for family. Not for my ego, not for getting extra sexusl partners or even having another set of hands and a head applied to problems. Family is above all and if some of the bits of damage make that family more difficult to potentially impossible, then I would sooner sit thst one out. A broken family is...well, I suspect we all have our own way we would couch the circumstances...for me it is tragic. I have had my fill of tragedy with respect to family. Happiness is the goal.
Those are just a few off the top of my head notions.
If you dial in tighter on what you have in mind, I suspect the guys can give you better feedback be it pro or con
Ouch. You have my sympathy
I try to be pretty clear up front about the situation and what I have to offer and that does require that they are on board with my version of patriarchy. If they are not then we are not a match.
We have had those that were pathological liars in our life a couple times as well. Saying what they think we or I want to hear and saying something entirely different to others or taking actions contrary to their words.
Really don't want to repeat the experiences
For clarity, these weren’t, mostly, candidates for marriage.
They were people that we tried to minister to, because their claimed need was so great. Most wouldn’t tell the truth if it didn’t serve them.
I don’t think that they were abnormal for unattached females.
In other words, they are pretty much normal for what is out there.
Because people are talking about it hypothetically, and are therefore idealistic about what sort of woman they want. In reality, when confronted with a real woman with a problematic past but who they have actually fallen in love with and feel God is leading them to, they'd find excuses around all these objections. But until then, not actually being confronted with that situation in reality and only imagining things in their mind, they imagine perfection.
I expect that in reality people would be far more accepting of a damaged woman than they even think themselves.
I am open to broken women. However, I believe the way you’re using the word “broken” is different than what I mean by it. I can overlook a substantial amount of baggage if I see genuine repentance and brokenness that a woman has concerning her sin. Someone who is genuinely broken in repentance, fully admits that they are responsible for their sin and the consequences of that sin, and they do not pretend to be victims. A woman like that does not make demands or dictate terms, she is thankful for the family who brings her in. She will strive to bring to good and not evil to her husband. Jesus showed great mercy to broken women, those who were humble. God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.
Don't disagree broadly, some have really been through the wringer with some of the damaged ones and are more than a little gun shy so to speak
Did they change after they came into your home? Did they put on a facade that they were willing to follow rules at first, or were they always like this?
Salmon took Rahab, so we have a good example biblically to consider. In his epistle to the Corinthians, Paul wrote of those who had been involved in all kinds of sin saying, 'And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God' (1 Cor. 6:11). My question for taking on such a woman as Rahab is, have you been washed, sanctified, and justified in the Name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God? And I would want to see actions, like Rahab had, as real fruit for a new life in Christ. Shalom
I wouldn’t say that they changed, they just pretended to be someone that they weren’t.
Yes, they put on a facade that generally wore off within two weeks.
I’m talking strictly of women who came through the house because of their need. There were others who didn’t have the same pressing needs, but stated up front that they wouldn’t be willing to change from things like smoking or eating junk foods.
This sounds great and I’d hope that we’d all do this, but if I had to guess, I suspect many men would have great difficulty making a wife of a Rahab in real life. We all know the Bible verses, but in practicality this would be difficult to overcome for some men.
And I think a genuine convert from a "Rahab" past would find many contemporary "Christian" men difficult to deal with. The coin has two sides.
This comment actually reminds me of a question I have been asked a lot. “Why do you have to marry the women to take care of them? Why not just let them live on your property?” Because of exactly what you are saying. Without truly being in a position of authority/being their head, sooner or later their needs will take a back seat to my own family, or I’ll be told my opinion doesn’t matter because I’m not their boss. Guaranteed to happen and I’m just not interested in that scenario.
In addition, there is an incentive to truly back the team if they are an actual member.
On the flip side, a "damaged" person has potential to be the best person to partner with. They've seen how bad things can get and have an authentic motivation to make life better for themselves and those around them.
It's often hard to reconcile the past which can scare us about the future. Likewise, what we believe today, we may not believe tomorrow.
I'm always very direct with people in my sphere of influence... "my train is headed in this direction and you're either on it or not". Some want to be and cannot handle it. Others can handle it but don't want to be. Some can and do! It has always surprised me how terrible I am at predicting.
It's often hard to reconcile the past which can scare us about the future. Likewise, what we believe today, we may not believe tomorrow.
I'm always very direct with people in my sphere of influence... "my train is headed in this direction and you're either on it or not". Some want to be and cannot handle it. Others can handle it but don't want to be. Some can and do! It has always surprised me how terrible I am at predicting.
Same here. But I don't want any woman getting on the train with the mindset there is a station she can get off again. Once aboard, that's it. We travel together to the journey's end.