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church vs plural lifestyle

S

starlit

New Member
I hope this is the right section for this post...

It is clear to me my church does not approve of polygamy. Several church members have even spoken out about how terrible shows like Sisterwives are. I have been interested in polygamy for several years now. I have really been studying up on it and gaining a firm testimony of how it can enrich my life. My problem is i am so scared to come out in the open about how i feel. There is the constant worry someone from church will find out i support polygamy and "out" me. If that happens i could lose the support of my church. Now if i were to find my family, i wouldnt care about losing the support of my church. But since i am alone and don't have anyone really in my life i could really use their support right now. I am very active at church and attend services every week, i even have a position there working with children. I have so many people that are in my life. This has really caused alot of stress for me, so much that i gave up on the polygamy quest for a few years. I realized how empty i felt and that i needed to try again and put aside my fears. Its like this constant struggle back forth inside of me. I feel much happier now that i am going online and trying to express myself and network with people, but the nagging fear is always there. Have any of you dealt with this? What was your solution?
 
Doesn't sound like a fun situation, and I have great sympathy for you. This process is scary enough with the support of a wonderful spouse, but to be on your own through it, well, nothing but respect! By no means am I advocating "church hopping" or anything, but if a core belief of yours does not align with a core belief of the church, then that might not be the church for you. I am not a fan of trying to live a "double life". It's exhausting, and polygamy is not wrong Biblically so we shouldn't feel we need to do it. I'm all for trying to effect positive change from within, but seed cast upon rocks is wasted, and anyone who has actually seen Sister Wives and is morally opposed to it to the point of calling it terrible may just be rocky ground. My suggestion would be to maybe email the pastors of some other churches, and simply ask them if you, with the beliefs on poly that you have and the intention to live that lifestyle, would be welcome in thier church and congregation, or if they would rather you worship elsewhere. I don't know if you saw it, but I recently sent an email to a pastor I know in Omaha on behalf of another family very similar to that. The response was very positive. Long and short of it is that there are churches out there where you can be accepted and welcomed, without having to hide. And IMHO, that would be a much healthier position to be in. If you really love your current church, it might still be worth sending the emails, then, if you have some "backup options", set a meeting with your own pastor to discuss it. I actually have a very similar meeting with my Head Pastor scheduled for tomorrow. I guess I can let you know how it goes, lol!
 
Starlit, I don't particularly have advice to offer, though I am watching this topic with interest. I do like what UntoldGlory stated though.

My compliments to you for researching this and learning what the Bible says. If more Christians would do just this, many things would be different.
 
UG nailed it; I just wanted to add one thing. Seek the Lord about whether to have a conversation about your beliefs with a trusted elder or pastor at your church before you split. If you get specific guidance that you are to leave quietly, or in the absence of specific guidance your assessment tells you that there's no point in bringing the matter up, then fine, do what you need to do. I'm not arguing with UG, and he's probably right about the rocky ground. Putting it differently, he's certainly right that you are probably wasting your time to even get into it.

That's from an 'outcomes' point of view, but from a 'process' pov, there are a couple of additional considerations.

First, this is a test we all go through, a refining of our beliefs, having to stand up and defend our commitments. You might end up 'shaking the dust off your feet' as you leave, but there may still be value to you in marshaling your arguments and making your case to someone you think will give you a fair hearing. You are headed down a road that is going to give you many opportunities to defend your beliefs and choices, so you might as well start working on your story, and this will give you practice even if it ends badly. You'll figure out what you could have said differently and you'll become a better apologist

Second, there may be times that God uses you prophetically to speak into a situation, and while we usually prefer to focus on positive outcomes and creating consensus and agreement, sometimes God uses us to speak truth to a situation that either (a) causes a hardening that is part of his purpose, or (b) a more cheerful thought, plants a seed that will sprout later, after you're gone.

So... Just some thoughts, no agenda, and you may yet end up deciding that the best strategy is to quietly disappear. Just wanted you to consider the possibility that you might need to speak up, even if a logical assessment would say you're probably not going to change anybody's mind or heart.

You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.....
 
Good stuff Andrew! I've often had conversation that I thought yielded no fruit, but come to find out later I was just laying some groundwork!
 
Well i know the church stance of polygamy and/or plural marriage, and it wouldn't be friendly. So i think the idea of going to the church leadership and stating what i believe, etc. wouldn't be a good idea. Like the one member said, i will probably slip away quietly one day. More than likely that day will happen when i meet "my family".
 
Hi Starlit, and welcome! Although I am not currently tied to a church as far as membership, I do understand your feelings, fears and frustrations. I too am a single woman praying and studying and seeking God's will for my life in regards to marriage. I have been interested in plural marriage for a few years and I've told no friends, family, or church family this. I'm scared to death to, actually!

I've not had the opportunity to make it to a retreat yet, but I have been in contact with some wonderful people here and I feel a little less alone in this, having this community to share my thoughts with. I agree with the advice given, and hope for the best outcome with whatever you decide as far as sharing or not about your desire for plural marriage at this time, or seeking a different church altogether. Blessings :)
 
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