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Breaking the news about PM to your kids

T

tedjohnson

New Member
My wife and I both grew up in contemporary western evangelical christian homes, and of course were taught that a "GOOD" man will only love one woman. Polygamy was so far removed from our culture and experience. It was obviously never even talked about.

But, I'm wondering how it would have effected me as a teenager growing up in the lust crazed culture I grew up with for my dad to have sat me down and told me the truth about men, women, love, marriage, family, adultery, fornication, etc. How would it have effected me to learn about being a man, and learning what was in a man's heart, or would could possibly come to grow in my heart as a man in regards to many things - including marriage, and what my responsibilites were as a man, and what is in a woman's heart and what her responsibilites are before God, and how so much of what our church and culture have fed me is false.

Somehow I sense the knowledge of PM might actually HELP kids escape the traps of the world as they grow up in this lust crazed culture we live in ... just can't quite articulate the reason why.

Anyone have some thoughts on this? How do kids benefit by having the knowledge of PM, and/or being part of a PM family?
 
Well I won't go into details about how we raise our children other than to say that they were talked to openly about things before I was in the picture. Personally, I have noticed that both of the children have taken to me in their own way and I simply adore them and they adore me.

I think honesty is in the key to things and being open with your children and not hidding them from things. Also, letting them know that society has a whole dosen't yet understand and support pm, is very much of the essence. Not saying that we should live in fear but letting children know that discretion at this point in time is a must.
 
I totally agree with sweetthing that you should educate your children about pm before even thinking about living the lifestyle. Of course, it is not up to me to say this, but I'm glad my husband used wisdom to do this. When we brought up the idea to our then 17-year-old daughter, who attended Lutheran and Baptists schools her whole life, it didn't go over well at all. I think if you have younger children who haven't been taught about the church's view of marriage, you have a better chance of growing them up in the belief of pm. This is just our experience others on this site with older children might not have had as difficult time as we are. The worst part of our story is my daughter is OK with one of my friends that is a lesbian, but would totally reject us if my husband added another wife. What does this say about the church getting so liberal?
 
And a related issue: what about telling your adult kids? I have two daughters, both married, and 8 grandkids. They don't even have a clue that I believe in PM, and don't know I was excommunicated from the church where I was an Assistant Pastor because of that new-found belief. (They and their families live about 1400 miles from me, and I don't get to see them often.)

So how/when do I clue them in? Or just not say anything? (Not telling them won't work if/when I do take a second wife!) Both daughters and their husbands were raised in evangelical churches that teach the traditional false marriage doctrine. In fact, one daughter and both sons-in-law graduated from a conservative Bible college, and both sons-in-law are ministers. One is the senior pastor of a fairly large church.

They will likely think their old man has gone off the deep end... :o
 
Wish I had wisdom for ya, PolyDoc. Best suggestion so far is this: Success, if possible, will probably involve different approaches for male and female adult children.
 
PolyDoc, your situation is a tough one for sure; however honesty is the best.
 
@ sweetthing26 - GREAT advice; being real and honest with a humble attitude would go far with my kids, for sure

@ lutherangirl - isn't it unreal to think our culture and society (not just your 17 yr old daughter) would rather accept gays & lesbians than good plural families? definitely a sign of the times and i pray God grants you favor with your daughter on this one

@ cecil - you're the coolest dude i think i've ever run across ... luv u brother .. big time ... your friendship has carried me thru many a dark day, and night, and I'm forever thankful and grateful to God for you

@ polydoc - i can only imagine what you've been, and are going thru ... God will give you wisdom whether to say something about PM before you find a 2nd wife ... and for whatever it's worth as an adult kid myself i think it'd be easier for me to find out before b/c if i were to find out after there'd be a lot more information and emotion to work thru ... hearing about it before might allow me to work thru my own feelings about it versus getting them confused with whether or not i actullay liked your soon to be 2nd wife

also @ polydoc - i know exactly how you feel wondering if people will think you've gone off the deep end; but i gotta say i not only think we're not alone for feeling like this, i also think we're in very good company for feeling like this:
* abraham - you're going to sacrifice, like 'KILL" your son? no explanation needed here ... and can't imagine Sarah was too excited about that one (imagine "deferring" to the wife on this issue b/c it "made her feel uncomfortable" ... ew boy)
* noah - rain? really? and flood the "WHOLE" earth, noah? ok - whatever (nutjob)
* moses - so God told you it was "YOU" that was going to be His mouthpiece, huh? and He talked to you through a bush, you say? hmmm ... and He's gonna free the jews thru you? Where you gonna take 'em once your outta egypt moses? gimme a break, unreal
* joshua - hey! great military strategy there josh ... let's blow our horns ... that'll get 'em for sure! imagine how they felt after blowing the horns the first hour, let alone picking them back up on the 7th day ... talk about needing to mentally and emotionally get on top of that one, huh?!
* david - a teenager w/out armor taking a rock and a sling to fight a trained warrior that just happened to be a giant in armor? come on david, i've heard of ego before, but seriously?
* jonah - whale? 3 days? going to ninevah? imagine hearing that story in a pub as he made his way to ninevah?
* elijah - yer gonna do what? call fire down from heaven to an altar? sure buddy

we know the list goes on ... but how about modern day heroes?
* copernicus - the FLAT earth is NOT the CENTER of the universe? HERETIC! BLASPHEMER! Our faith is dependant on a flat earth in the center of the universe, how dare you! DIE!
* luther - sola fide! nope - gotta earn it dude, keeps us in control and power ... please don't rattle the establishment
* martin luther - blacks equal? but they're not ... right?

i think the theodore roosevelt quote applies here:
"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

personally, my wife knows I'm in love with my assitant and have been for almost two years now, and we've worked thru the myriad of issues that come along with that type of discovery ... it's an understatement to say this hasn't been easy

when i first discovered/realized/admitted i had a serious heart for her i 'repented' and did my best to distance my heart, but 6 months later after finding this site from googling "can a man love two women?" (i know ... sad I went to google and not the scripture where OODLES of good men i call my forefathers of the faith actually loved more than one woman ... sad but true ... but there's such a DISCONNECT between the bible and the church sometimes ya know?) i found this site and my whole world has been turned upside down since ... i deeply thank God for this site

i have yet to tell my assistant of my heart for her -- its been close to 2 years and this has sometimes been enough agony in and of itself -- but i sense she knows and probably even likes it; my focus has been on all my own issues that have come under this refiners fire called "PM" or "biblical marriage", and of course loving my wife and working thru the things that she's had to deal with, and is still dealing with in many ways ... PM seems to shine a light down in the cracks to reveal the pure "JUNK" i've carried around for so long ... it's amazing how real LOVE covers (and reveals) a multitude of sins

but i sense God continuing to move us forward ever so slowly in finally telling my assistant, and then beginning to work through all the issues that will come up then ... one of them being my own 3 kids, ages 9 (boy), 7 (girl), and 4 (boy) knowing that dad loves another woman

my oldest boy is a precious heart and i sense he'll need to be reassured our family is not going away, just getting bigger and stronger, and that dad is still "dad" and loves mom very much

even though my daugther adores my assistant, there's a great chance she'll be very confused by dad loving another woman as she's just starting to get into the whole "boy-crush" stuff at school ... can you imagine learning about PM when you were in 2nd grade? and am i wrong to think i might have even found a little security in knowing, and then experiencing, being in a PM family?

my littlest man ... well, he's 4 and he's a barrell of fun ... i might just be hanging out with A LOT!

i can see in my minds eye the LOVE we would all live in w/out fear, selfishness, or jealousy
it's beautiful, profound ... even 'designed' and natural
a biblical family like this is absolutely awesome ... such an example of the family of God
and it's this vision that keeps me going, strong, honest, and 1 step at a time
 
@ tedjohnson I am so tired right now but wanted to just thank you for this post. I really needed to read this. God bless.o :D
 
jsw - i'm glad the post helped ... thx for letting me know and i hope you get some good rest! good rest can sometimes make spiritual giants out of us all :)
 
@tedjohnson....I am the second wife and the hubby and fw have two children that are 8 and 4. The kids absolutely adore me and I adore them. I think both you and your wife sitting down and explaining things in an honest and frank matter as we have would greatly benefit your children. I would also advocate answering questions they have as it will help them to understand how your family is going to get bigger and better.
 
Woke up from a dream of choking up while singing this early this morning. Seems to say it all. Regardless of fallout from family, church, even judgmental kids.

For me, it particularly pertains to bearing resistant or intentionally absent wives on our (men's) hearts each and every day to and before God. This is Love. It doesn't fail. Period!

"She Ain't Heavy, She's My Lover"
(with apologies B. Scott and B. Russell)

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows when
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry her
She ain't heavy, she's my lover.

So on we go
Her welfare is my concern
No burden is she to bear
We'll get there
For I know
She will not encumber me
She ain't heavy, she's my lover.

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another.

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share
And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
She ain't heavy, she's my lover.​
Click to expand...
 
thanks for the song, Cecil (and the clever re-write ... liked it)

i can tell you my heart has never broken as many times as it has over the last 2 years ... the empty feeling that comes in the pit of your stomach seems to have become a pretty common companion .... can't say i wouldn't mind if it never comes back

i either deeply hurt for my wife (or b/c of her) as i see her deal with the ugly jealous, selfish, and fearful heart that rears up as she deals with the pain and pardigm shift of PM, or i deeply hurt when i consider i may never be able to truly love my assistant with the husband's heart i have for her or enjoy her love in return

so much more to PM than romance and sex, huh? its the deep and foundational things like companionship, friendship, family, time spent together, growing and going through life together that i seem to want real bad ... RELATIONSHIP ... and i hurt when I consider that may not happen

i've said from the beginning that i could face whatever family and friends throw my way if "we" - my wife, my assistant, and i - agreed and decided to pursue life like this AS A FAMILY, living and loving together, sharing relationship together in LOVE ...

for now, love means i stay the course and be patient, and be willing to accept the hurt along the way, being willing to grow and be taught on this blessed road of a refiners fire that feels like a curse called confusion, doubt, death, and division ...

for now, i continue to genuinely love my wife and lead her, even if that means gently confronting her sometimes, no longer denying that God has actually made me a man and there are responsibilites only i can fulfill as the head of my home

and for now, i need to love my assistant from a distance, being a good guy to her, and doing whatever i can to love her in a way that's right (which can sometimes be things like telling her i still think she's beautiful when she's sick, writing her an encouraging note, giving her an extra smile, etc)

damn, this is not easy, but it's right
divorce is easy
affairs are easy
love can be so hard sometimes and seems to be lately, but i choose to continue to believe its best, its right, its good, and its worth it ... and it will win, eventually
 
Ted some of us understand your plight more than you know. I being the second wife do struggle with some insecurities at points and wonder at times where they come from. For me knowing that my sister wife is not at all jealous of the time that he and I spend together makes it comforting and I know it takes time to work through jealousy and insecurity. A first wife really has to deal with lots of emotions. She going from being your one and only princess to one of two princesses in her eyes and some really struggle with that feeling. Personally, I struggle as a second knowing that the bond they share is different then the bond that he and I have.

PM is not an easy endeavor and should not be entered into lightly. The real fact is that you have a family and looking to add someone into the mix is not an easy thing at all. It is not easy for a family to adjust to adding someone into an already made family. I would recommend also spending extra time with your wife to help her make the adjustment and it will help her to know she is not being replaced.

Just a few thoughts.
 
I am new to the group but thought I would weigh in. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The 5 year old is autistic and I am wondering how I should explain it to him in a way he can understand. He is not very good at any social situation and am sure this will confuse him. I was thinking of trying to find or write a simple children's story about having one dad, one mom, and ?(still not sure what label we will use) I have a friend that is great at drawing and has illustrated several other social story books I have done for my son. Although I do the social stories because he is autistic, I am sure it might help regular kids too. Just an idea.
Laura
 
Ted,

The sooner you make your children aware of Biblical marriage, and that it is honorable in the sight of God, the better. Your kids are at ages where they probably will be able to accept it without a tremendous amount of angst. I think reading through the Old Testament and gently pointing out that so many of the patriarchs of the faith had more than one wife is a really good way to start. Make it a semi-regular part of life, brought up in inconspicuous ways, and eventually it will seem natural to them. The sooner you deal with it, the better.

Katie, a first wife with lots of kids
 
Found this thread from 2011. We have seven kids and some are teens. We’re trying to figure out the best way to say, ‘Dad was wrong’ and ‘We see polygyny as an option for families’ and some other things. My wife and I have been processing this for two years now and are in solid agreement. I’m in the angry stage 😅 lots to repent of and ‘rewiring’ still happening. But eventually, we need to live authentically or openly and our kids need to know first. Then family (that’s going to be rough). Anyone have experience with this? Wisdom is appreciated.
 
How old are your children? Roughly, oldest and youngest. That will make a big difference in how you talk with them and what advice anyone on here gives you.
 
We have four sons. Grown now, but at the point we began thisvtransition, all were teens with the exception of the eldest. After the first BibFam Retreat @KellyR and I sat down with the whole family on multiple successive nights to walk through the scriptures regarding headship and man as authority and leader. I took responsibility for not understanding and not fully teaching that role or its implications.

We walked through the lives of the patriarchs, etc and demonstrated from Scripture what we were learning. We had always taught that Scripture is true, so it was on that foundation we stood.

At that time, the boys said, 'yep, it's there. We don't want more wives, but we see it in Scripture.'

From then on, I pointed it out in Bible lessons often. I made it a point of conversation when appropriate. Kelly's journey was the harder one. The boys eventually picked it up as a fun/funny subtext to convesations and now fully accept the option for themselves and others. They've been to retreats, etc..

Keys: Admit you were wrong. What does Scripture say? Stand firmly together as husband and wife.

The older ones will have practical questions... talk through them and don't let the subject grow stale or get pushed to the backburner.
 
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