Are these significant incompatibility issues?

[theleastofthese]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have are that I have a very different personality from them both, they're very headstrong, they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud. I'm more happy-go-lucky and like to laugh but the husband is very serious, he turns everything into a deep discussion. Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

I'm less experienced in relationships, therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times, I'm grateful for the patience but it's also a bit of a turn-off.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

They make wine and have drinks often, I rarely drink.

I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, I'm far more active than they are, they like to relax and watch TV a lot, I don't even have a TV in my home.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

How important are these things really in a marriage?

 

[MrB]

For me politics are a fair indication of where people stand on many things in life. I associate with many people but it’s rare to find polar opposites that can be agreeable (but not impossable)
I know one couple where he’s right leaning and she’s left leaning politically. I would have not picked them but they work.
ask yourself what are your non negotiables.
you might bring balance to the equation. Or not.
things can be different from when you begin together. Some things will be a continuation of where you start and will not change much.
you will have a part in shaping the future but who will have the dominant role?
do you feel like you could be an active participant in the equation?
Is your voice listened to by both? ( that may not always mean actioned on but do they hear you? )

the choice is yours and nobody can decide for you.
don’t rush in ,take your time.

 

[steve]

If you do decide to give it a try, please visit them for for six months, but preferably a year as housemates before starting any sexual relationship.
For me, you have definitely listed red flags. Whether or not they are Red Flags for you is something that only you can decide. Choose prayerfully, because this is about the rest of your life.

 

[USDutchkitty]

I would say the biggest red flag is the personality clashes. I knew someone was more on the easy going side, not a doormat but liked helping people yet her ex was the easily aggitated sort. She thought with a lot of patience he would calm down and they work on their differences but after a year and a half, he dumped her because “I think you deserve someone better with who you are looking for. I don’t think I can be fair.” It broke her heart from all of the mental investment she put in him but seeing her now, she is happier even if a bit sad.

You have to put down boundaries and if a person or a couple will not respect them, then they might not be the right fit.

 

[FollowingHim]

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

That's the biggest red flag to me. Not that it necessarily means "don't go there", but just that you need to be the one to keep this slow.

Did this couple recently (as in, in the last 3 years) work out that polygamy was acceptable, and are still in their initial "new convert" enthusiasm? We all go through that. Making rash decisions during that period is a factor in many failures.

Make sure you take your time to consider everything else. They also should want to consider all those compatibility issues and make sure you're the right fit for them before doing anything. If they seem to be trying to rush into this without taking the time to consider this, don't fall into that trap. But if you do take the time and work out everything else, great.

 

[bfoster]

You could talk to them about the differences you're noticing and ask how they plan to handle it on their end.

 

[NBTX11]

hey bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud.

Red flag. They don't even try to hide their arguments around you? The arguments will continue, only with you involved, if you enter this home.

when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

Red flag. Getting offended because someone laughed? When you think something is funny, you laugh. People find different things funny. Unless you were making fun of him when you laughed, you should be allowed to be yourself and laugh.

he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

Red flag. As one who has rushed things at time, I agree with the sentiment to slow down. You need time for your feelings to develop. Is he pushing you to feel the same way he does?

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

Big red flag in my humble opinion. Where you stand politically is an indication of where you stand on a lot of things.

Me personally, as a conservative, I probably can't successfully be with a social liberal, as in my view, many of those views are anti-biblical. How can things like abortion and the acceptance of sexual deviancy, and pushing of many current leftist agendas be biblical. In my personal view they can't. Others may differ.

Think about these things and whether you can live with them long term. They are not likely to change. You would likely be asked to adapt to them.

 

[theleastofthese]

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to give me advice and for giving me some things to think about!

The political issues are only a big deal to me because I'm anti-abortion, they think women should have the right to choose. The rest of their left-leaning views I can get over and even agree with at times. The main issue is that I see them differently after learning they're pro-choice, I'm not sure I can commit to a family who holds that view.

As far as feeling heard, sometimes I feel as though the husband is pushy, and when I state that I'm uncomfortable with certain things he seems to back off for a little then begins pushing again.

I agree that the main red flag is how they are rushing things, sadly this seems to be the norm when I speak to families.

 

[Joleneakamama]

How important are these things really in a marriage?

Well, marriage is about becoming one.
How do you feel about supporting his decisions? How would you feel about voting for the candidate he votes for? If you vote against him it cancels his vote. Amos put it this way, "Can two walk together unless they be agreed?" Faith in common is good, but in pairing horses to work together in harness stride, and disposition are also factors that will matter in having a good team. I thought over the years that having a sisterwife with different strengths might be good in the over all, but there is a great deal of comfort in having a lot in common. For example, I saw a funny that said something about how rarely people marry that have the same standard of cleanliness. It's kind of nice that messes bother us at about the same time.

It's also far easier to choose how your future life will be now, before commitments are made. As a wife you will probably find his leading far easier to accept if he has similar values and a vision for his family that looks like where you want to go. He will probably get frustrated and feel you are working against him later, if there is too different of ideas/ideals.

All that to say that while no one is perfect, you may find a greater degree of compatibility with another couple, and weighing, as others have suggested, just how important these issues are to you may be wise.

A lady I am friends with told me years ago that in her observation a woman's desire for a man was very connected to the respect she has for him. The greater the respect, the greater the attraction. Also that losing respect for the man had a major negative impact and often left the woman almost completely uninterested in intimacy.

Some really good advice my sis in law had for her daughter was telling her "If you don't love everything about him, don't marry him."

I say you need to be sure before you marry, so wait as long as it takes until you are. For me 3 months after I met him he asked me to marry him, and it was an easy decision. I know of a lady that spent three days talking to a man (day and night on the couch) and decided to marry him. That lasted too...still together after 40 years.

I will pray that you are led through this time, and that YHWH will give you peace in making the choice He knows is best.

 

[MarkH]

If you are not feeling heard and are uncomfortable now, it is not likely to be better in the future without purposeful intervention/communication with them. I'm not saying that is what you should do, as no one knows but you. The prudent option may be to walk away and keep praying. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Edward]

they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud.

For me, that is a major red flag, because if a woman was that way, that would be a major turn-off to me. After all, why would I want this...
Proverbs 7:11 (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house:
in my house?

I'm more happy-go-lucky

That is great, and I think you should find someone who is similar.

Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

That is a red flag also. If he gets slightly offended at something as small as that, that's a problem. Just think what he could do with something a little more serious.

therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times,

Red flag, makes you feel like a child? If a woman treated me that way, gone.

it's also a bit of a turn-off.

If you are a little turned off now, I see really turned off in the future. I could be wrong.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

That is another major red flag, rushing into things. You definitely want to do what this verse says.
Proverbs 4:26 Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

The political issues are only a big deal to me because I'm anti-abortion, they think women should have the right to choose.

Forget the red flag on this one, that is an absolute deal breaker. Anyone who is for slaughtering a pre-born child has not only been wiped off the table into the trash bin, but that same trash went to the burn barrel. The Scriptures are clear...
Proverbs 6:16-17 These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
And what can be more innocent than a baby inside a mother's womb?

How important are these things really in a marriage?

How important are these things in a marriage?? Very important. Here is the deal, you say you are a Christian and the Scriptures are very clear...
II Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
What makes me say they are unbelievers? Because they are pro-choice. Whatever you do, you need to make sure you find a Biblical relationship, I am not saying this is you but the problem with a lot of single women is that they are having a hard time finding a good Biblical husband and so they lower their standards, and settle for less. Don't be that woman. May YaHWeH lead, guide, and direct you.

 

[NBTX11]

I agree. Do not marry an unbeliever. Do not.

Me personally, I can't understand a believer supporting abortion.

 

[FollowingHim]

I agree that the main red flag is how they are rushing things, sadly this seems to be the norm when I speak to families.

Where are you finding these families? Those looking hardest, putting themselves out there the most, are possibly the most pushy. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place if you keep having the same problem.

 

[USDutchkitty]

Where are you finding these families? Those looking hardest, putting themselves out there the most, are possibly the most pushy. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place if you keep having the same problem.

Oh there are many in the search results that are more of the “hippy left liberal” types than people who are conservative base in either marriage, politics, or both.

That makes the search harder, people with values you want versus how society wants people to be.

 

[NickF]

Lots of good counsel here. I'll just reiterate one point that is an absolute dealbreaker to me. Standing for the killing of an unborn child is absolute no-go territory for any believer.

 

[Mark C]

...they're too left-leaning for me.

That's a show-stopper for me. There are things that are basic to a world-view, and reflect throughout one's life.

 

[NBTX11]

The most important thing you left out was their spiritual condition. Are they Christians? How do you know that and have they shared their testimony of their faith? Do they live by the Word? Do they teach their family the things of God? Do they try to live out their faith by serving the Savior in some capacity? These things are important to know before making a lifetime commitment. These things are almost question number one to me.

 

[FollowingHim]

Oh there are many in the search results that are more of the “hippy left liberal” types than people who are conservative base in either marriage, politics, or both.

That makes the search harder, people with values you want versus how society wants people to be.

"Search results" where? Are you both talking about sisterwives.com or something like that?

I cannot recall hearing of any successful plural marriages formed from that website. They may exist, I might even have been told of them and forgotten, but I can't recall any. All the successful plural marriages I can think of met each other through the course of normal life. I do know of successful monogamous marriages who met on other dating sites, so I am certainly not ruling that out, particularly if you're using a specifically Christian site. But if you keep hitting incompatible people @theleastofthese, it really does suggest you may be looking in the wrong place.

 

[frederick]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have are that I have a very different personality from them both, they're very headstrong, they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud. I'm more happy-go-lucky and like to laugh but the husband is very serious, he turns everything into a deep discussion. Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

I'm less experienced in relationships, therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times, I'm grateful for the patience but it's also a bit of a turn-off.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

They make wine and have drinks often, I rarely drink.

I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, I'm far more active than they are, they like to relax and watch TV a lot, I don't even have a TV in my home.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

How important are these things really in a marriage?

All of the advice given above is well worth your consideration @theleastofthese. Consider carefully the road this couple is walking and ask yourself if you want to go the same way and probably arrive at those same destinations? Would you want to face the prospect of being told to have an abortion or listen to the husband advising someone to have one? Would you want to experience the open bickering and have it occur frequently in discussions you were having? How is this man going to fulfil his duty to sanctify and cleans you with the washing of water by the word (Eph. 5:26)? Where will his leadership take you?

God made the union of the man and woman to be permanent; i.e. no divorce, so don't start a journey down a road you may want to find the exit!

Blessings and Shalom.

 

[paterfamilias]

I'm presently speaking with a couple, we are compatible in many ways and I feel we want the same things out of life. At times I feel as though I could easily blend into their family.

A few concerns I have are that I have a very different personality from them both, they're very headstrong, they bicker with each other often which bothers me some and they're loud. I'm more happy-go-lucky and like to laugh but the husband is very serious, he turns everything into a deep discussion. Sometimes I think he's joking about something, but he's not, and when I laugh, he seems slightly offended.

I'm less experienced in relationships, therefore he explains things to me as though I'm a child at times, I'm grateful for the patience but it's also a bit of a turn-off.

They want to rush things and he claims to be in love with me already but I don't have the same feelings yet.

They make wine and have drinks often, I rarely drink.

I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, I'm far more active than they are, they like to relax and watch TV a lot, I don't even have a TV in my home.

I'm slightly more conservative politically and they're too left-leaning for me.

How important are these things really in a marriage?

The various bits would have varying levels of importance to each individual but yes they are important.
Especially the way you view the world as a whole, ie the politics. I suppose I could potentially marry someone without views on politics as I rather assume thst my views would rub off on her...someone who sees the world through a lense of farcical delusions however...a leftist...no. And you will forgive my sounding harsh but someone who is leftist and takes their opinions extremely seriously? Insert derisive snort here.

Without going into details or seeming as if I am rubbishing our family's ex...as I am not...a hasty and poor match results in sadness and potentially divorce. If there is a chance of children in the future then this should be the foremost thing in your mind. Children should never have their home broken.

So my ending advice is that if you may have children, the match must be forever. Your happiness is less important than that of children.

It sounds as if you need to continue to go slow and to be sure.