Abraham's Sister

[Mojo]

For the practicing poly family, or aspiring poly family how do you introduce your women?

Wife is really not a true biblical term, but it seems sister is.

If you don't feel like getting into the whole dynamics of your family, do you find it appropriate to introduce people to your women as your sisters? Do the women introduce themselves as sisters? These are not lies, necessarily, assuming all are believers and therefore members of the family of God.

Just curious.

 

[andrew]

I usually go with partner. Partly my legal training and the actual substance of our relationship (it is a partnership, after all...), and partly the prevalent use of "domestic partner" in our culture to describe non-traditional relationships.

 

[Mojo]

I usually go with partner. Partly my legal training and the actual substance of our relationship (it is a partnership, after all...), and partly the prevalent use of "domestic partner" in our culture to describe non-traditional relationships.

And when all partners are present?

 

[FollowingHim2]

I wouldn't take Abraham's example as being something we should do. There were pretty serious consequences for him saying what he did. Plus, he wasn't actually lying, Sarah was literally his sister.
Obviously I'm not in a situation to give any advice or anything on what terms to actually use, I have no idea what we'll say when the situation comes up. I know I wouldn't be happy with Samuel calling me his sister though.

 

[Mojo]

I only mention Abraham's sister because, when put in a sticky situation, he didn't technically lie, as you say, but he didn't tell the who, truth either.

Would a poly family ever be put in a situation that would be a bit uncomfortable where telling the whole truth might not be necessary, but telling only part of it might get them out of it?

Just a fun question to ask.

But, you are Sam's sister aren't you?

 

[FollowingHim2]

I only mention Abraham's sister because, when put in a sticky situation, he didn't technically lie, as you say, but he didn't tell the who, truth either.

But it didn't go well from there, lol. I understand where you're coming from, and I don't think we should be lying (I'd be quite happy to shout from the rooftops that she's my sisterwife, but I know others aren't). I like what Andrew said, because it still shows that the woman, or women, belong to him.

But, you are Sam's sister aren't you?

Ha ha, in Christ!

 

[FollowingHim]

Would a poly family ever be put in a situation that would be a bit uncomfortable where telling the whole truth might not be necessary, but telling only part of it might get them out of it?

Yes. Here's a great example:

But, you are Sam's sister aren't you?

Ha ha, in Christ!

Good work sis, very tactful answer, can't let these Americans know how inbred we are in this funny little country at the bottom of the world...

 

[andrew]

And when all partners are present?

Depends on the circumstance. But generally, we're "don't ask, don't tell" out in the general public. If we're all together and we're making introductions, it's almost certainly someone we're just meeting in some kind of mixed social group, so it's just "This is Ann, this is Ginny". Nothing further.

 

[NetWatchR]

can't let these Americans know how inbred we are in this funny little country at the bottom of the world...

Ha! My family's from 'Bama and Georgia, where the only reason to go to family reunions is to meet girls.

 

[Lili]

We generally introduce ourselves as a husband and his wife (1st Wife) and their friends/roommates (me and 2nd Wife) whenever we're out in any configuration of couple or group. If we're out on a date and somebody asks about the nature of our relationship, we just say we're together.

There was actually a time and place where people assumed that I was his daughter, and he didn't correct them. We ended up interacting with those people on a regular basis for almost a year. It was strange and uncomfortable.

I would rather step around the truth than anything else. If I have to be my husband's friend in public, that's okay because I *am* his friend. That doesn't take away from my relationship with him, it's just a facet of our relationship.

 

[Mojo]

We generally introduce ourselves as a husband and his wife (1st Wife) and their friends/roommates (me and 2nd Wife) whenever we're out in any configuration of couple or group. If we're out on a date and somebody asks about the nature of our relationship, we just say we're together.

There was actually a time and place where people assumed that I was his daughter, and he didn't correct them. We ended up interacting with those people on a regular basis for almost a year. It was strange and uncomfortable.

I would rather step around the truth than anything else. If I have to be my husband's friend in public, that's okay because I *am* his friend. That doesn't take away from my relationship with him, it's just a facet of our relationship.

I guess therein lies the logical end of my question. These phrases like partner, roommate, friend, are not lies, and they get you out of having to explain things in certain situations, but how does it make the 2nd or 3rd wife feel? Is the first wife always assumed and introduced as "wife"?

As FH2 stated, Abraham's truth/lie ended up with a near adulterous situation. I know all of the women in these families are, mature, strong, and upstanding women, but when in mixed/social situations, does the "unattached" assumption lead to unwanted advances, or people asking questions to "fix you up" with a bachelor son?

Again, just curious.

 

[andrew]

We've dealt with advances, matchmakers, and in one case, Ann was asked if maybe she was a lesbian, since she wasn't directly answering some rather pushy questions about why she didn't appear to have a boyfriend. That was all back in the day. Today we're more likely to just answer questions openly, unless we just think someone is being rude and nosy, in which case we just choose not to play.

It was harder on Ginny & Ann at first, because we were more closeted and there was more weirdness going on around that (see above). Now it's a lot more laid back, and they're more confident in who they are, with or without social approval.

I'm going to throw in a shameless promotion for Biblical Families here. One of the most wonderful things about a BF retreat is that you are surrounded by people who are playing from the same sheet of music, so in the context of that community, a second or third wife can really feel like a wife. Whereas back in the world, you go to prison for 'pretending' (their pov) you're married.

BF is a lot like an ex-pat community in a foreign land....

 

[Mojo]

We've dealt with advances, matchmakers, and in one case, Ann was asked if maybe she was a lesbian, since she wasn't directly answering some rather pushy questions about why she didn't appear to have a boyfriend. That was all back in the day. Today we're more likely to just answer questions openly, unless we just think someone is being rude and nosy, in which case we just choose not to play.

It was harder on Ginny & Ann at first, because we were more closeted and there was more weirdness going on around that (see above). Now it's a lot more laid back, and they're more confident in who they are, with or without social approval.

I'm going to throw in a shameless promotion for Biblical Families here. One of the most wonderful things about a BF retreat is that you are surrounded by people who are playing from the same sheet of music, so in the context of that community, a second or third wife can really feel like a wife. Whereas back in the world, you go to prison for 'pretending' (their pov) you're married.

BF is a lot like an ex-pat community in a foreign land....

Hadn't even thought about the whole lesbian assumptions, but in today's world, I guess I should have.

Ex pats...now that's a good analogy. Maybe you should start "Radio Free" BF podcasts to communicate to those who need to be set free from their monogamous only mindsets

 

[Lili]

In my family, 1st Wife is always assumed to be the wife, so we introduce her that way. She has been the wife for almost 30 years, and she knows the drill. Also my husband has a significant gap in age with the rest of us, so nobody ever assumes that we're married.

2nd Wife and I have both received unwanted attention and attempts at matchmaking over the years, but it hasn't been a big problem for me so far. I'm only 22, so it's easy for me to say I'm not interested right now. I'm focusing on my studies, I want to build a career, I'm just not ready for a serious relationship, etc.

I have mixed feelings about it. On a bad day, it makes me feel like I'm not a real wife. It makes me feel claustrophobic in public because I have to watch my behavior and body language so closely at times. On a good day, I don't care very much.

My biggest worry is explaining a pregnancy. I haven't experienced that yet (hoping for good news one of these days!), but I am anxious about it. If anybody has any advice or stories to help ease my mind, I'd appreciate that!

 

[Mojo]

In my family, 1st Wife is always assumed to be the wife, so we introduce her that way. She has been the wife for almost 30 years, and she knows the drill. Also my husband has a significant gap in age with the rest of us, so nobody ever assumes that we're married.

2nd Wife and I have both received unwanted attention and attempts at matchmaking over the years, but it hasn't been a big problem for me so far. I'm only 22, so it's easy for me to say I'm not interested right now. I'm focusing on my studies, I want to build a career, I'm just not ready for a serious relationship, etc.

I have mixed feelings about it. On a bad day, it makes me feel like I'm not a real wife. It makes me feel claustrophobic in public because I have to watch my behavior and body language so closely at times. On a good day, I don't care very much.

My biggest worry is explaining a pregnancy. I haven't experienced that yet (hoping for good news one of these days!), but I am anxious about it. If anybody has any advice or stories to help ease my mind, I'd appreciate that!

Just tell them you swallowed too many watermelon seeds.

No, but in all seriousness, that question has me wondering too. But, then again, single motherhood with absentee fathers is so prevalent that maybe nobody will bother to ask.

I'm not a practitioner, so I have no experience to fall back on for that concern.

 

[andrew]

Ex pats...now that's a good analogy. Maybe you should start "Radio Free" BF podcasts to communicate to those who need to be set free from their monogamous only mindsets

It's comin. Might be a YouTube channel rather than a podcast, but somethin's comin....

 

[Aussies]

Just want to say that I enjoyed your comments, especially those of Lili as a young wife. In the past I have introduced my wife as my first wife (eg this is my first wife Michelle) that can get a reaction such as how many wives do you have? my reply is (just one). but it can stimulate some interesting conversations that allows others to understand or at least think about it without any form of conflict.
My thinking is that if we believe in polygamy and if we understand it to be morally sound then those of us with one wife also need to stand up for those in plural families. Our indigenous population in Australia love to wear red black and orange as an identifier. And we all know the position of the "gay" community, maybe we need to be proud of our brothers and sisters that live according to what we believe, for its not just their fight.
As a monogamous couple what do we have to loose? The fact is if given the opportunity I too would be polygamous, but its too late to train for the fight once your in the ring.

Lili and all the other wives out their along with your husbands, just like many more, we are proud to be in your company, you don't stand alone.

If the indigenous groups, the "gays", the bi sexual groups, the groups that wear head coverings or turbans along with any other group that has pride in what they are, then how much more so should we be proud of our position in this matter.
The way I see it there must be something that the rest of us can do to help in this matter, for if a man introduces his wife as anything less than his wife or at least his partner, then how will others ever come to accept our position. After all how many men have not divorced a former wife but have now taken another as a partner. I understand that its a little different when a husband stands with his wives and thus they are all exposed to the attitudes of others. For those of you with poly families, handle this as you see fit, I would not presume to tell you how to act in such a situation.
Hope I haven't offended as I appreciate that the cheap seats are always the easy seats, and at this time I sit in a cheap seat as I have only one wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what we can do, especially those of us not in the firing line, to protect those families that need to be protected in such a situation.
My wife and I appreciate that this fight has been going on for a long, long time and we are new to it all but we do very much believe that it is a fight worth winning.

 

[FollowingHim]

In the past I have introduced my wife as my first wife (eg this is my first wife Michelle) that can get a reaction such as how many wives do you have?

My grandfather has often introduced my grandmother as his first wife also. However, he doesn't support polygamy. He's just still married to her after 50 years, while many of his peers have divorced and remarried, he's just proud to still be with his first! But it raises the same sort of responses, giving him an opportunity to explain why he introduced her that way. So this is a proven conversation starter.

 

[FollowingHim2]

I understand that its a little different when a husband stands with his wives and thus they are all exposed to the attitudes of others.

I think the problem is that it's not just attitudes and judgements. For some the issues are legal and real practical problems too, like social services being contacted because if you're poly then you must be abusing your children, or losing their job.
We have it good in NZ, I don't see any of that being an issue, and it's probably easier for you in Australia too.

Does anyone have any suggestions of what we can do, especially those of us not in the firing line, to protect those families that need to be protected in such a situation.
My wife and I appreciate that this fight has been going on for a long, long time and we are new to it all but we do very much believe that it is a fight worth winning

As far as I understand it, the fight is spiritual. That's what it all comes back to. We can fight through prayer, especially for those long distance from us (which is everyone to me, lol).