A
Anonymous
Guest
Dear All,
Polygamy comes in all shapes and sizes and, like and good suit, is best when tailored specifically for you. People often times look to the Bible for hints on how the patriarchs lived their lives with their wives but even that falls short of what is needed to successfully live this life style.
One of the most important aspects of living poly is for the man to be fair with his wives. If a man plays favorites or is perceived to play favorites then the momma's are not going to be happy...and as the saying goes "if momma is not happy no one is happy."
So what is "fair" in a poly marriage? Is fairness giving each wife the same amount of clothes? The same amount of spending money? The same amount of private time? On the surface, theoretically speaking, this might seem the way it "should be" but in reality it is rarely so.
In real world polygamy fair is what is perceived as fair by your women. Due to the constraints of finances, living space, time at home vs time at the job, and mere hours in the day it is often times not possible or even desirable to give everyone the same amount of everything. Rather, what a man must strive to do is be in tune enough with his wives to know what they really need and balance his resources between that and what they want.
For instance, if one wife is older and your children with her have left the home and another wife still has children at home giving each the same amount of spending money is not equitable. One would have excess while the other, with children, would lack. What is better to do, and wiser, is to say that you will give each woman a certain amount of money to spend personally but then give an additional amount to the wife with small children to take care of their needs. This is where perception comes in. In actuality you are giving more money to the wife with children but it is not perceived as such because you have divided it up according to different needs. While the amounts differ it feels like it is fair and each woman perceives that their needs are addressed and taken care of.
The same goes for time spent with each wife. The private time you spend with your wives must appear equitable and reasonable to them. It does not have to be an hour for hour allotment. Some wives work and some stay home. Your work schedule does not always coincide with their schedule. Therefore, though you may want to spend equal amounts of time with each one of them it may not be possible. In our family, what we have done to help alleviate these types of schedule inequalities is to designate regular date days or fun days with each wife. These are specific days that we set aside for being together and doing something special. It is not going to McDonald's and super sizing your meal. What it is, though, is finding something that both of you like to do which is a bit out of the ordinary so that you can go out together and have a nice time. I do this every other week with one of my wives routinely. This gives each one of them something to look forward to that they know there will be a definite special time with me doing something fun. It is not much but, because it is a set routine, it seems to be enough. That "seeming" is all important because it is the perception that things are fair that counts rather than the numerical fairness of the amount of time spent with each wife. Women can put up with a lot if they believe you are really trying to do your best to meet their needs. Often times knowing what is in your heart it is how they measure your love towards them. By making the effort to set special time aside for them it gives them that sense of security which they crave.
In conclusion, being fair is more of an art form with multiple women than a simple arithmetic problem. You need to be creative, attentive, and thoughtful in your quest to treat your women fairly. Find out their physical, emotional, and financial needs then meet each one of them with the measure that seems fair to them and is perceived to be fair by the others. In this way you will be rewarded with happy wives who are secure in your love.
Blessings,
Justin
"Listen, Hear,and Obey on time"
Polygamy comes in all shapes and sizes and, like and good suit, is best when tailored specifically for you. People often times look to the Bible for hints on how the patriarchs lived their lives with their wives but even that falls short of what is needed to successfully live this life style.
One of the most important aspects of living poly is for the man to be fair with his wives. If a man plays favorites or is perceived to play favorites then the momma's are not going to be happy...and as the saying goes "if momma is not happy no one is happy."
So what is "fair" in a poly marriage? Is fairness giving each wife the same amount of clothes? The same amount of spending money? The same amount of private time? On the surface, theoretically speaking, this might seem the way it "should be" but in reality it is rarely so.
In real world polygamy fair is what is perceived as fair by your women. Due to the constraints of finances, living space, time at home vs time at the job, and mere hours in the day it is often times not possible or even desirable to give everyone the same amount of everything. Rather, what a man must strive to do is be in tune enough with his wives to know what they really need and balance his resources between that and what they want.
For instance, if one wife is older and your children with her have left the home and another wife still has children at home giving each the same amount of spending money is not equitable. One would have excess while the other, with children, would lack. What is better to do, and wiser, is to say that you will give each woman a certain amount of money to spend personally but then give an additional amount to the wife with small children to take care of their needs. This is where perception comes in. In actuality you are giving more money to the wife with children but it is not perceived as such because you have divided it up according to different needs. While the amounts differ it feels like it is fair and each woman perceives that their needs are addressed and taken care of.
The same goes for time spent with each wife. The private time you spend with your wives must appear equitable and reasonable to them. It does not have to be an hour for hour allotment. Some wives work and some stay home. Your work schedule does not always coincide with their schedule. Therefore, though you may want to spend equal amounts of time with each one of them it may not be possible. In our family, what we have done to help alleviate these types of schedule inequalities is to designate regular date days or fun days with each wife. These are specific days that we set aside for being together and doing something special. It is not going to McDonald's and super sizing your meal. What it is, though, is finding something that both of you like to do which is a bit out of the ordinary so that you can go out together and have a nice time. I do this every other week with one of my wives routinely. This gives each one of them something to look forward to that they know there will be a definite special time with me doing something fun. It is not much but, because it is a set routine, it seems to be enough. That "seeming" is all important because it is the perception that things are fair that counts rather than the numerical fairness of the amount of time spent with each wife. Women can put up with a lot if they believe you are really trying to do your best to meet their needs. Often times knowing what is in your heart it is how they measure your love towards them. By making the effort to set special time aside for them it gives them that sense of security which they crave.
In conclusion, being fair is more of an art form with multiple women than a simple arithmetic problem. You need to be creative, attentive, and thoughtful in your quest to treat your women fairly. Find out their physical, emotional, and financial needs then meet each one of them with the measure that seems fair to them and is perceived to be fair by the others. In this way you will be rewarded with happy wives who are secure in your love.
Blessings,
Justin
"Listen, Hear,and Obey on time"
It helps us if we organize ourselves because then we put him where we want him, and he is happy as a clam to be with any of his wives. For example, our schedule is a rotation with a night every week set aside for my husband to recharge on his own. Recently he decided that he would like his night moved to a different day of the week. Rather than figure out his own way to rearrange things (which would inevitably lead to hurt feelings), he asked us to figure it out and let him know when and how we'll make the switch. Even if someone gets him an extra night that week as a result, we have all made the decision together as wives.
My goal is to not make that mistake... Often my wife has much better ideas than I do anyways lol... Also she completely respects me as the head of our home! There is simply no reason for me not to take her opinions, feelings, and insight into consideration on life's decisions for us! 