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A Letter From the Front Line

Ginny

Ginny

Member
Real Person
Female
Here's my basic advice for people considering plural marriage: don't do it. Just don't.

Of course I don't mean that across the board. There are exceptions. But in my experience so far, there are few.

Please forgive me for my uncharacteristic pessimism. I'm just tired of the carnage.

In the past two and half years since we have chosen to come out of our seclusion and join our wagon to Biblical Families's expedition into the plural family frontier, we have met some wonderful people. We have friends now that feel like I've known forever. There is joy in my heart where there wasn't before. In so many ways, and without a single doubt, we have found our people.

As the years have gone by and we have hosted and counseled many, many families and subsets of families, I've also experienced much sorrow and honestly...anger. Mistakes get made - BIG mistakes that could have been avoided (pretty sure this is where my anger gets triggered) - and hearts don't just get bruised, they get broken. Unrecognizably, and irreparably so.

I think in pictures and stories. In that light, please go with me here...

Imagine that deciding to live this lifestyle is like volunteering to go to the front line of a battle in a major war. In this story, I'm not a soldier. I'm a nurse. I don't see the actual battle. I don't experience the initial volley of bullets or blasts. I'm not as interested in the big picture as I am in the people right in front of me who are bleeding and gasping for breath.

I can be dramatic. I own that. But sometimes you need that part of the story to understand the warning.

For the record, I've been to the front line. I've seen and experienced that transitional hellfire. I'm not exaggerating here - to make the leap from my old, Prince Charming-tainted dreams to a life in plural marriage felt like hell to my flesh. I've been injured and I have inflicted more injuries than I care to remember. We had a few rough years throughout our journey and by the grace of God we are here today, eighteen years later. I would say it gives me a unique perspective.

It's with that experience and perspective that again, I urge you to seriously, SERIOUSLY consider the consequences of choosing to go to the front. No matter how prepared you think you are, the trials WILL come. The heat of the battle will reveal things in you and your spouse (and your family, and friends, and your church...) that you had no idea were there. I used to say that plural marriage is just like adjusting to monogamous married life. I don't believe that anymore. The best thing you can do to even try to be ready for the blows is to be super sure of your relationship with God and with your spouse - knowing that even that will be tested along the way. Oh, AND listen to those who have been to the battle and who are willing to tell you if they think you are ready - not easy for the intelligent, independent thinkers that gravitate toward this belief, I know...

If you know me at all, you know I'm not a negative person.

But I think I've just had it with people running into this half-cocked and unprepared. Plural marriage does not destroy families. It's choosing to go into it without doing the work beforehand that makes the mess. Yes, there are leaps of faith. But you check that your parachute is properly packed before you jump, right?

I don't believe there is ONE right way to go about living in a plural marriage. But I do believe there are a zillion ways to go about it the wrong way. I've seen it. It's ugly and it's messy. And it breaks my heart to hold the hand of someone who didn't have to fall.

If you are considering this lifestyle, please, PLEASE for the sake of your family and everything you know as true in your life right now, read through these pages to glean wisdom. Contact those on this board with experience. Ask the hard questions now, before the cannons' booms make it hard to think about anything.

Yes, there are insane benefits to this lifestyle. But if you meet a successful plural family, I guarantee their current status was not easily won. I've heard their war stories too. I've seen their scars. My point here is that you don't even get to know those benefits if you don't make it through the battle. Your fantasies of "the ideal plural marriage" will never see the light of day if your current family gets wiped out in the first round.

Pray. Pray hard. Love on your people. Listen. Absorb.

In the meantime, I have some bandages to apply...
 
Thankyou Ginny. I will say straight out that this is why I am still monogamous - I have known plural marriage was not sinful for at least 15 years, and have seen it as certainly in the future of my family for nearly five years. I have spent this time watching and learning. And I have seen so many failures in that timeframe that I have become even more cautious.

The big problem I see is people pursuing plural marriage for the sake of plural marriage. They see this is acceptable, so they think they have to have it for their own lives. It becomes a goal, and they start dating people and trying to make it happen. In some cases they are successful - but in most they fail. Because marriage should not be our goal in the first place.

YHWH has plans for our lives. His primary purpose for us is to bring the Gospel of His Son to a fallen world. That is our purpose. That should be our goal. (I do not in any way claim to have my focus perfectly on this goal, but at least I try to recognise that it SHOULD be my focus!)

YHWH will have plans for our lives, in order to facilitate this purpose. For some of us, that plan may be celibacy, as it was for Paul. For most, it will be monogamy. For a few, it will be polygamy - and only where that specifically advances His kingdom. A few men will have tasks that cannot be met with only one helpmeet, others may be called to assist women through marriage to support those women to fulfil the plans YHWH has for their lives. Marriage is a means to an end. It is NOT the end in itself, and should never be considered such. It is just a means.

If your goal is to follow YHWH wherever He leads, and He intends to lead you into plural marriage as part of that journey, it will happen, and it will be completely different, far more difficult, and far more successful than anything you ever imagined.

If He doesn't intend it to happen, but you make it happen yourself anyway, it will be the biggest disaster you could ever bring onto your family, and will be one more example of how terrible polygamy is that the world can hold up to show why it should be illegal.
 
Nearly 5 years ago now, YHWH let me know that Samuel was going to end up with a second wife. At that time I knew I had a lot to learn but I was absolutely focused on following YHWH and His plan. My first post on here after my introduction was called 'How to prepare'. I learned some things there, and I thought I had it all sorted. I figured as soon as YHWH sent me a SW I'd be fine. I knew it could happen at any time, and I thought I was ready.
I was not remotely ready. Not even a tiny little bit. Had YHWH sent a second wife to Samuel then it would've been a disaster, purely from my end let alone anything the both of them had to deal with.
I have learned a tonne of wisdom along the way, and though I feel ready now, I am probably not. But at least I am far more certain that it won't be a disaster. Just over the last 3 months YHWH has revealed several things to me that I need to understand/deal with to be able to be in a plural marriage. That's awesome, and I'm fully dealing with each thing as it comes up. I am so thankful to Him for helping me to grow, whether I ever get a SW or not.
I can see how easy it would be to jump into this thinking you're ready, when YHWH has much more growth for you if you'll just wait, lean on Him, and figure out if PM really is the plan, because it just might not be.
And maybe the plan will change and Samuel will never get another wife. I'm cool with that, because the plan has never been for him to get another wife, but for us to be following YHWH and learning and growing. Shouldn't that always be the plan?
 
FH2, one of the themes that emerged from the July retreat was that it's really just all about biblical marriage. If you're 'doing it right', it will scale up as you add wives. If you can't add wives, it's because you were 'doing it wrong' in the first place. A lot of families stumble because they try to scale up their not-so-biblical relationships (no judgment--this is a result of cultural conditioning, not willful sin).

I think you're testifying to exactly that: You are becoming a better wife, FH is becoming a better husband, and one day maybe a sisterwife will come along, but in the meantime it almost doesn't matter. You're growing in just the way God intends for you to grow. Does that make sense from your pov?
 
FollowingHim said:
Thankyou Ginny. I will say straight out that this is why I am still monogamous - I have known plural marriage was not sinful for at least 15 years, and have seen it as certainly in the future of my family for nearly five years. I have spent this time watching and learning. And I have seen so many failures in that timeframe that I have become even more cautious.

The big problem I see is people pursuing plural marriage for the sake of plural marriage. They see this is acceptable, so they think they have to have it for their own lives. It becomes a goal, and they start dating people and trying to make it happen. In some cases they are successful - but in most they fail. Because marriage should not be our goal in the first place.

YHWH has plans for our lives. His primary purpose for us is to bring the Gospel of His Son to a fallen world. That is our purpose. That should be our goal. (I do not in any way claim to have my focus perfectly on this goal, but at least I try to recognise that it SHOULD be my focus!)

YHWH will have plans for our lives, in order to facilitate this purpose. For some of us, that plan may be celibacy, as it was for Paul. For most, it will be monogamy. For a few, it will be polygamy - and only where that specifically advances His kingdom. A few men will have tasks that cannot be met with only one helpmeet, others may be called to assist women through marriage to support those women to fulfil the plans YHWH has for their lives. Marriage is a means to an end. It is NOT the end in itself, and should never be considered such. It is just a means.

If your goal is to follow YHWH wherever He leads, and He intends to lead you into plural marriage as part of that journey, it will happen, and it will be completely different, far more difficult, and far more successful than anything you ever imagined.

If He doesn't intend it to happen, but you make it happen yourself anyway, it will be the biggest disaster you could ever bring onto your family, and will be one more example of how terrible polygamy is that the world can hold up to show why it should be illegal.
Click to expand...
FollowingHim said:
Thankyou Ginny. I will say straight out that this is why I am still monogamous - I have known plural marriage was not sinful for at least 15 years, and have seen it as certainly in the future of my family for nearly five years. I have spent this time watching and learning. And I have seen so many failures in that timeframe that I have become even more cautious.

The big problem I see is people pursuing plural marriage for the sake of plural marriage. They see this is acceptable, so they think they have to have it for their own lives. It becomes a goal, and they start dating people and trying to make it happen. In some cases they are successful - but in most they fail. Because marriage should not be our goal in the first place.

YHWH has plans for our lives. His primary purpose for us is to bring the Gospel of His Son to a fallen world. That is our purpose. That should be our goal. (I do not in any way claim to have my focus perfectly on this goal, but at least I try to recognise that it SHOULD be my focus!)

YHWH will have plans for our lives, in order to facilitate this purpose. For some of us, that plan may be celibacy, as it was for Paul. For most, it will be monogamy. For a few, it will be polygamy - and only where that specifically advances His kingdom. A few men will have tasks that cannot be met with only one helpmeet, others may be called to assist women through marriage to support those women to fulfil the plans YHWH has for their lives. Marriage is a means to an end. It is NOT the end in itself, and should never be considered such. It is just a means.

If your goal is to follow YHWH wherever He leads, and He intends to lead you into plural marriage as part of that journey, it will happen, and it will be completely different, far more difficult, and far more successful than anything you ever imagined.

If He doesn't intend it to happen, but you make it happen yourself anyway, it will be the biggest disaster you could ever bring onto your family, and will be one more example of how terrible polygamy is that the world can hold up to show why it should be illegal.
Click to expand...

Great wisdom!
 
Thank you Ginny! I can attest to the fact that it can definitely do major damage. I can also attest to YHWH's restorative power. Will I do this again? Who knows. Will I ever get married again? Who knows. But what I do know is that I am grateful for people like you who have come into my life as a direct result of this lifestyle, and that I am grateful for the growth I've gotten from this. I am better for how this has impacted me. And I know that YHWH will provide His best in His time.

But I totally agree with Ginny. I'm tired of the carnage left behind by people who aren't ready for this. It just hurts too much. And the rest of us have to clean up the mess that is left behind. And cleaning up those messes is HARD work.

If you are going to do this, you have to be committed. Realize that trials will come. Commit to going the distance, no matter how far. Be sure you know that it is plan A. Don't do it just to earn your "poly merit badge." Do it because it's the right thing to do.

Ginny, thanks for sharing your heart. And thanks for how you love me!
 
My 2 cents (in response to many frustrating situations and dealings with other "poly" men):

May we never be guilty of giving the term "polytheist" a whole new meaning...

pol·y·the·ism
ˈpäliTHēˌizəm/

noun: polytheism
  1. when polygyny has become one's god.
  2. the active pursuit of plural marriage at all costs.
  3. when a married man aims to worship the One True God but simultaneously worships women and uses a practice found in Scripture as a workaround validation for his desires.
 
Clay Vessel said:
My 2 cents (in response to many frustrating situations and dealings with other "poly" men):

May we never be guilty of giving the term "polytheist" a whole new meaning...

pol·y·the·ism
ˈpäliTHēˌizəm/

noun: polytheism
  1. when polygyny has become one's god.
  2. the active pursuit of plural marriage at all costs.
  3. when a married man aims to worship the One True God but simultaneously worships women and uses a practice found in Scripture as a workaround validation for his desires.
Click to expand...

I nominate this for best of the forum!
 
Thank you Ginny for your heartfelt and critically important message! Since learning about Biblical marriage 10+ years ago, I have stayed away from the path of seeking what I don't have, instead choosing to be thankful for (now) 18 years of marriage. My stance has been, "Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." After all, when God moves, He knows how to make His will clearly known. Whether His answer is "Yes," "Wait," or "No," we Christians need to be focused more on building His kingdom instead of attempting to establish our own. Sometimes the most important thing about plural marriage is for a man to know that God doesn't condemn it and to process what that means for him and his family. For me, it meant becoming a better man, husband, and father by developing into leadership focused on drawing my little clan's hearts closer to Chrsit.

Also, "Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." I've met and seen way too many people willing to sacrifice their established families for a half-processed idea that the grass would be greener on the polygamist side, all while ignoring the Godly counsel of even those who are living it. Caution is completely to the wind and restraints are cast off. "I'm allowed" declare the men to everyone around them, and that means they're going after it no matter what.

Third, because of the overwhelming desire to live the principle which often seems to border on idolatry, some go after the first woman who catches their eye, not even considering the command to "not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers." Is it wise to marry the first willing person even for your first marriage? Of course not - choosing a spouse is by far one of the most important choices you'll ever make. But in the name of seeking polygamy, I've seen men who have tried to justify affairs, trading their first wife for subsequent women, and even prostitution has been called acceptable. Of course, the results to this short-term sinful thinking are disaster, destruction, infamy, shame, and ruin.

I appreciate being able to fellowship with BF during west coast retreats and online, although I admittedly read a lot more than I post. Knowing others are prayerfully processing though these issues makes a big difference to me. Again, thank you Ginny for the words of caution. Biblical options are not imperatives, even with marriage. Speaking of becoming His disciple, Jesus said, "Count the cost, whether [you have] enough to finish it..." I would contend that this principle also applies to major questions of whether to modify your family structure.
 
joe88 said:
Also, "Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety." I've met and seen way too many people willing to sacrifice their established families for a half-processed idea that the grass would be greener on the polygamist side, all while ignoring the Godly counsel of even those who are living it. Caution is completely to the wind and restraints are cast off. "I'm allowed" declare the men to everyone around them, and that means they're going after it no matter what.

Third, because of the overwhelming desire to live the principle which often seems to border on idolatry, some go after the first woman who catches their eye, not even considering the command to "not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers." Is it wise to marry the first willing person even for your first marriage? Of course not - choosing a spouse is by far one of the most important choices you'll ever make. But in the name of seeking polygamy, I've seen men who have tried to justify affairs, trading their first wife for subsequent women, and even prostitution has been called acceptable. Of course, the results to this short-term sinful thinking are disaster, destruction, infamy, shame, and ruin.
Click to expand...

Very well put, my friend!
"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceful, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy." - James 3:17
 
Ginny and others,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart, wisdom and insight. I can see how critical it is that all those involved in marriage of any kind should be seeking God first, seeking to love Him and make Him known to others. He knows the desires of our hearts and He desires biblical marriage for any couple who is following Him. I have also seen the importance of learning to live and put be and behave and interact and treat others as Jesus Christ would and as we are taught to treat others in the Bible--to consider one another above ourselves, to put off jealousy/strife/malice and put on the kindness, love, unity. To display the fruits of the spirit in our day to day lives in how we choose to interact with others--to show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. If one can not or will not daily seek to put on the things of the Spirit and walk this way, plural marriage is an extreme challenge. I know. I have seen the fallout of when one gets involved and is not fully ready. Doesn't mean we give up, but does mean a lot of spiritual warfare must take place to forgive, to seek truth as found in His word and to live by the Spirit.

I have found this way of life to be most rewarding and most sanctifying--definitely encourages me to be on my face before my King and to seek Him and His ways moment by moment. Very grateful for my husband and how God is gifting and equipping him to be a man after God's own heart and a husband who seeks truth and seeks to love me (and the other wife) as Christ loved the church--with much forgiveness, grace, and meeting each one of us at our point of need.

Glad to have this space to be encouraged and to process!
Tricia
 
Ginny said:
Here's my basic advice for people considering plural marriage: don't do it. Just don't.

Of course I don't mean that across the board. There are exceptions. But in my experience so far, there are few.

Please forgive me for my uncharacteristic pessimism. I'm just tired of the carnage.

In the past two and half years since we have chosen to come out of our seclusion and join our wagon to Biblical Families's expedition into the plural family frontier, we have met some wonderful people. We have friends now that feel like I've known forever. There is joy in my heart where there wasn't before. In so many ways, and without a single doubt, we have found our people.

As the years have gone by and we have hosted and counseled many, many families and subsets of families, I've also experienced much sorrow and honestly...anger. Mistakes get made - BIG mistakes that could have been avoided (pretty sure this is where my anger gets triggered) - and hearts don't just get bruised, they get broken. Unrecognizably, and irreparably so.

I think in pictures and stories. In that light, please go with me here...

Imagine that deciding to live this lifestyle is like volunteering to go to the front line of a battle in a major war. In this story, I'm not a soldier. I'm a nurse. I don't see the actual battle. I don't experience the initial volley of bullets or blasts. I'm not as interested in the big picture as I am in the people right in front of me who are bleeding and gasping for breath.

I can be dramatic. I own that. But sometimes you need that part of the story to understand the warning.

For the record, I've been to the front line. I've seen and experienced that transitional hellfire. I'm not exaggerating here - to make the leap from my old, Prince Charming-tainted dreams to a life in plural marriage felt like hell to my flesh. I've been injured and I have inflicted more injuries than I care to remember. We had a few rough years throughout our journey and by the grace of God we are here today, eighteen years later. I would say it gives me a unique perspective.

It's with that experience and perspective that again, I urge you to seriously, SERIOUSLY consider the consequences of choosing to go to the front. No matter how prepared you think you are, the trials WILL come. The heat of the battle will reveal things in you and your spouse (and your family, and friends, and your church...) that you had no idea were there. I used to say that plural marriage is just like adjusting to monogamous married life. I don't believe that anymore. The best thing you can do to even try to be ready for the blows is to be super sure of your relationship with God and with your spouse - knowing that even that will be tested along the way. Oh, AND listen to those who have been to the battle and who are willing to tell you if they think you are ready - not easy for the intelligent, independent thinkers that gravitate toward this belief, I know...

If you know me at all, you know I'm not a negative person.

But I think I've just had it with people running into this half-cocked and unprepared. Plural marriage does not destroy families. It's choosing to go into it without doing the work beforehand that makes the mess. Yes, there are leaps of faith. But you check that your parachute is properly packed before you jump, right?

I don't believe there is ONE right way to go about living in a plural marriage. But I do believe there are a zillion ways to go about it the wrong way. I've seen it. It's ugly and it's messy. And it breaks my heart to hold the hand of someone who didn't have to fall.

If you are considering this lifestyle, please, PLEASE for the sake of your family and everything you know as true in your life right now, read through these pages to glean wisdom. Contact those on this board with experience. Ask the hard questions now, before the cannons' booms make it hard to think about anything.

Yes, there are insane benefits to this lifestyle. But if you meet a successful plural family, I guarantee their current status was not easily won. I've heard their war stories too. I've seen their scars. My point here is that you don't even get to know those benefits if you don't make it through the battle. Your fantasies of "the ideal plural marriage" will never see the light of day if your current family gets wiped out in the first round.

Pray. Pray hard. Love on your people. Listen. Absorb.

In the meantime, I have some bandages to apply...
Click to expand...
Wow Ginny, thank you so much for this!!!
Your words are thought provoking, I like the way you paint your words into a clear -albeit war like picture. My biggest fear is loss. As an only wife I have everything, to add another wife (at times I could only see loss-loss of love, intimacy, and a best friend in my husband)I would be loosing so much. God has softened my heart and showed me how selfish I REALLY AM. My happiness is in my God being happy with me, my heart, attitude and actions, and my husband being happy too.. life is still hard when our fairytale life is "about to be shattered ".
You're a beautiful gem Ginny
 
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As one of those broken hearted with irreparable damage.. thank you! Everyone should hear this. I spent many years preparing.. but nothing prepared me for what happened. I didn't know such damage could exist in what I thought was a Christ-centered home. How wrong I was. I will never gain back the damage lost, but I know now that I am a warrior. I hope and pray nobody has to go through what I went through, again. This is why I'm here. To advocate, especially to single women. This is not a fairy tale lifestyle. If chosen, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It strips away all you are, all you think, and all you want. Most should not live poly.
 
Well loved wife said:
Wow Ginny, thank you so much for this!!!
Your words are thought provoking, I like the way you paint your words into a clear -albeit war like picture. My biggest fear is loss. As an only wife I have everything, to add another wife (at times I could only see loss-loss of love, intimacy, and a best friend in my husband)I would be loosing so much. God has softened my heart and showed me how selfish I REALLY AM. My happiness is in my God being happy with me, my heart, attitude and actions, and my husband being happy too.. life is still hard when our fairytale life is "about to be shattered ".
You're a beautiful gem Ginny
Click to expand...

You will lose parts of all the things you mentioned. It's impossible not to,sadly. You will be giving parts of your marriage to another because you must think of her happiness too.. she needs all that you need in a husband, maybe not specifically, but in that she needs intimacy, love, a best friend, etc.
 
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