Support New to all this and afraid to speak publicly

[HannahMiller]

Sory things didn't go the way you had hoped. Women are quite sensitive to safe and unsafe suitations, unless past trauma makes them over ride their intuition. Your suitation doesn't seem safe for her heart so she has probally made a good call for herself.

Prehaps this is a blessing in disguise and God will lead you to other ways to solve the problems you are facing.

 

[Mojo]

I can't wait until the kids go to bed so I can hear what my wife thinks of all this.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t overthink it.

Now if she never wants to talk to you again, that’s different. Most women aren’t going to be comfortable even hinting that they have an interest in another woman’s man. It’s a taboo subject in our culture.

It’s a good sign for now.

But, I said before that being a part of your family is almost certainly not on her radar. She’s only acting in a way polite culture would have her act.

 

[frederick]

It's not going well. I introduced them when we walked in. We sat down with her and talked for a few minutes, then she moved to a different table. Maybe she's completely moved on because she views me as unavailable. I don't know what to do next, if anything.

I can't wait until the kids go to bed so I can hear what my wife thinks of all this.

This has opened the opportunity for your wife to experience first hand what it's like to meet someone you're interested in. It will likely be an emotional roller coast for her. It is also an opportunity for the new woman to see that you are a man of integrity in your dealings with her and your wife. Stand firm on God's Word in your responses to both of these women and allow Him to providentially direct you all to where He wants you.

In the book of Proverbs God instructs us; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6). Be confident knowing God's providence will bring you along His path in all this. Shalom

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Sory things didn't go the way you had hoped. Women are quite sensitive to safe and unsafe suitations, unless past trauma makes them over ride their intuition. Your suitation doesn't seem safe for her heart so she has probally made a good call for herself.

Prehaps this is a blessing in disguise and God will lead you to other ways to solve the problems you are facing.

Yeah, you're probably right, but what was the thing she felt unsafe about? Hard to know. I can't tell what her perspective is here.

I just had a very long conversation with my wife about this. She brought up some other possibilities that frankly terrify me. She said I may have misinterpreted everything. F2 is a friendly person. I may have misread that as her being interested in me.

She also said that the shocked look I saw on her face when she realized I'm married could have just been her realizing that she had been too friendly with a married man without realizing it. I'm not sure I believe this though because I've seen her be very friendly with other married men in a platonic way. She doesn't seem to have any issue with that.

Something else about this is bothering me. I introduced her to our baby before I introduced my wife. You'd think that any woman would gush over a little baby, look at him, or remark on how cute he is. She didn't look at him at all. It seemed like such an odd reaction for a woman.

And, again, I really don't think I've said or done anything anyone would find inappropriate. I don't think I've given her to feel uncomfortable around me. She seemed very comfortable with me last time. I don't understand.

I also wonder about the fact she didn't say anything about the desserts I had baked for her family. I would never ask about a gift, especially food, because I know it can put people in an uncomfortable position if they didn't like the gift. But I thought it was slightly odd that she didn't say anything about it, whether her family appreciated it, etc. She could have forgotten, or maybe she felt uncomfortable. I don't know. Not knowing is driving me crazy.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t overthink it.

Now if she never wants to talk to you again, that’s different. Most women aren’t going to be comfortable even hinting that they have an interest in another woman’s man. It’s a taboo subject in our culture.

It’s a good sign for now.

But, I said before that being a part of your family is almost certainly not on her radar. She’s only acting in a way polite culture would have her act.

I hope you're right. If I'm misreading all of this, I would be so embarrassed, not to mention the disappointment. It's been several months now and I'm at the point where I just want to ask her straight up what's going on. It's been taking a toll on me this whole time.

If I don't address the situation head on, this could go on for years. If I wasn't already married, I would have asked her out by mow. I'm just stuck in this awful in between state and not knowing anything with certainty.

This has opened the opportunity for your wife to experience first hand what it's like to meet someone you're interested in. It will likely be an emotional roller coast for her. It is also an opportunity for the new woman to see that you are a man of integrity in your dealings with her and your wife. Stand firm on God's Word in your responses to both of these women and allow Him to providentially direct you all to where He wants you.

In the book of Proverbs God instructs us; Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6). Be confident knowing God's providence will bring you along His path in all this. Shalom

Yeah, I imagine she saw that we have a great relationship and a very healthy family. And that may be pushing her even further away.

I'm glad that my wife finally got to meet her though. It's no longer a theoretical idea to her. Now this person is very real to her, and she does think very highly of her from the small amount of interaction she had with her. (F2 is the kind of person who leaves a strong impression very quickly. I'm speaking from personal experience!)

Are there any other women here who can help me understand this?

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I can't sleep. I didn't know my wife felt so strongly about plural marriage until tonight. She seemed agreeable before. She said positive things about it and she agreed on the biblical basis for it. But she made it very clear tonight that she doesn't want to do this.

I keep praying that one of us changes our feelings. She'll stick by me no matter what, but I could never go through with this if it's hurting her. She's the only person in the world who really loves me. She's the only family I have. And all I want is more family.

I don't know what to do. This is eating me alive. I love my wife so much and I don't want to hurt her, but my longing to expand our family is just as strong. I feel so lonely.

When I was a kid, I used to see other kids with parents who loved each other and everyone was healthy and cared for each other. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm still grieving the family I never had. I have this hole in my heart. When I was in my 20s, I longed for children. I finally got them, but I've found that marriage is incredibly lonely when you have no family support.

We haven't had any significant amount of time together since our son was born over a decade ago. We only get to see each other if we stay up late and lose a lot of sleep. We haven't even shares a bed for years because we've had kids in our bed all this time. I hardly even feel like I'm married.

I dreamed my whole life of what marriage would look like. I pictured us going to sleep together every night holding each other under the sheets. When we got married, I found out that she doesn't like sheets and she didn't like sharing a blanket. Holding each other until we fell asleep wasn't comfortable for her. Then babies and the neighbor's noisy dog forced me to sleep in the walk in closet.

Now I have this crazy solution to solve all our problems. We could finally spend a night together without kids if I marry a second person. We could have another family member to replace the ones we've been missing all these years. And it's just not working out for stupid, frustrating reasons.

I don't know where to go from here. Life has been so hard.

 

[frederick]

I keep praying that one of us changes our feelings. She'll stick by me no matter what, but I could never go through with this if it's hurting her. She's the only person in the world who really loves me. She's the only family I have. And all I want is more family.

I don't know what to do. This is eating me alive. I love my wife so much and I don't want to hurt her, but my longing to expand our family is just as strong. I feel so lonely.

When I was a kid, I used to see other kids with parents who loved each other and everyone was healthy and cared for each other. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm still grieving the family I never had. I have this hole in my heart. When I was in my 20s, I longed for children. I finally got them, but I've found that marriage is incredibly lonely when you have no family support.

We haven't had any significant amount of time together since our son was born over a decade ago. We only get to see each other if we stay up late and lose a lot of sleep. We haven't even shares a bed for years because we've had kids in our bed all this time. I hardly even feel like I'm married.

I dreamed my whole life of what marriage would look like. I pictured us going to sleep together every night holding each other under the sheets. When we got married, I found out that she doesn't like sheets and she didn't like sharing a blanket. Holding each other until we fell asleep wasn't comfortable for her. Then babies and the neighbor's noisy dog forced me to sleep in the walk in closet.

Now I have this crazy solution to solve all our problems. We could finally spend a night together without kids if I marry a second person. We could have another family member to replace the ones we've been missing all these years. And it's just not working out for stupid, frustrating reasons.

I don't know where to go from here. Life has been so hard.

Mate, I think you need to sort your current situation out and get things in order, or what you have will blow up in your face when you try to add another wife. What you say doesn't appear to present a well ordered home environment to add to. Adding more challenges to an already challenging situation isn't likely to make anything better. Shalom

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Mate, I think you need to sort your current situation out and get things in order, or what you have will blow up in your face when you try to add another wife. What you say doesn't appear to present a well ordered home environment to add to. Adding more challenges to an already challenging situation isn't likely to make anything better. Shalom

I think I gave the wrong impression here. We have a really good marriage. We're very close. But we don't get any time together because we don't have any support. It's been very difficult. Occasionally, a neighbor might take the kids for a couple hours, but we've never had enough time to actually unwind and spend some quality time together. We only get a glimpse of that when we stay up late and sacrifice sleep. We've never had any family to help us.

When I said I don't feel like I'm married, I mean because we never get to be together. We devote our entire lives to raising the kids and we only get the small scraps left over at the end of the day. It's not because we don't love each other. We're just exhausted and overwhelmed with our responsibilities.

If we had another adult in our family, we could actually spend time together again. I want to much to be able to spend a night away from the kids.

I know these problems won't last forever. But they aren't the only reasons I want to add another person to our family. I just want more family. I want someone we can be close to for the rest of our lives. As it is now, our children will always be the only family we have. I want more than that.

I have a few close friends, but there isn't really a substitute for family.

I might sound crazy, but I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can understand what it's like to not have family. I want it more than anything in life. I would give everything for it.

 

[frederick]

I think I gave the wrong impression here. We have a really good marriage. We're very close. But we don't get any time together because we don't have any support. It's been very difficult. Occasionally, a neighbor might take the kids for a couple hours, but we've never had enough time to actually unwind and spend some quality time together. We only get a glimpse of that when we stay up late and sacrifice sleep. We've never had any family to help us.

When I said I don't feel like I'm married, I mean because we never get to be together. We devote our entire lives to raising the kids and we only get the small scraps left over at the end of the day. It's not because we don't love each other. We're just exhausted and overwhelmed with our responsibilities.

If we had another adult in our family, we could actually spend time together again. I want to much to be able to spend a night away from the kids.

I know these problems won't last forever. But they aren't the only reasons I want to add another person to our family. I just want more family. I want someone we can be close to for the rest of our lives. As it is now, our children will always be the only family we have. I want more than that.

I have a few close friends, but there isn't really a substitute for family.

I might sound crazy, but I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can understand what it's like to not have family. I want it more than anything in life. I would give everything for it.

I hear what you are saying, but it doesn't sound like much out of the ordinary for many of us. When I married my first wife, she became pregnant after three months, suffered horrendous morning sickness untill the day she delivered, and had the same problem with our following children. Over the following years I supported my family working two full-time jobs plus overtime. We (my wife mostly) home educated our kids so it was a 24/7 situation with everything going on and no time alone together. But that was life! I grew up in a family like that - 10 kids with parents working a bazillion hours on their farm to put food on the table. I remember one time my wife told me she felt like a single mother coz I was always away working and she was always with the kids. The only difference was, she cooked, cleaned, and did my laundry along with looking after the kids, so she had more to do than a single mother. And her family were ardently opposed to us because no one else home educated their kids. I was ostracised from my family because I had become a Christian and left the Roman Catholic religion. When I took a second wife all hell broke lose and made life even more difficult for us. But we live to tell the tale which proves God is faithful and hasn't allowed us to be tested beyond what we are able (1 Cor. 10:13).

 

[Stuckinthewoods]

Even though I am not a polygynyst, I concur with what a lot of other people are saying. Not saying that this necessarily applies to you directly, but I don't think anyone should move into polygyny out of desperation. I don't think we should view it as a "quick fix", per se. I would mirror with others are saying that it would behoove you to put the majority of your effort into getting your current house in order, because that is your current "kingdom" that God has you in charge of. I mean "putting your house in order" in a very broad, non-judgmental sense.

Despite all this, my belief is that God could still very well be calling you into polygyny (totally up for your discernment, however), but it is more important to invest in the present rather than grasp for a future salvation (I'm still working on this in my own heart).

That's just my 2 cents, take it as you will!

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I mean "putting your house in order" in a very broad, non-judgmental sense.

I don't really know what that means in our context. The fact we don't have any help isn't really changing any time soon, if ever. That's really what we're struggling with. I wish someone somewhere would volunteer to help us somehow. Sometimes I'm so tired and drowning in all this, I feel like screaming for help, but there's no one there to hear it.

This isn't the only reason I'm interested in F2, but it's the one thing that makes it feel so urgent. We need a break so badly.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I hear what you are saying, but it doesn't sound like much out of the ordinary for many of us. When I married my first wife, she became pregnant after three months, suffered horrendous morning sickness untill the day she delivered, and had the same problem with our following children. Over the following years I supported my family working two full-time jobs plus overtime. We (my wife mostly) home educated our kids so it was a 24/7 situation with everything going on and no time alone together. But that was life! I grew up in a family like that - 10 kids with parents working a bazillion hours on their farm to put food on the table. I remember one time my wife told me she felt like a single mother coz I was always away working and she was always with the kids. The only difference was, she cooked, cleaned, and did my laundry along with looking after the kids, so she had more to do than a single mother. And her family were ardently opposed to us because no one else home educated their kids. I was ostracised from my family because I had become a Christian and left the Roman Catholic religion. When I took a second wife all hell broke lose and made life even more difficult for us. But we live to tell the tale which proves God is faithful and hasn't allowed us to be tested beyond what we are able (1 Cor. 10:13).

I suppose we're in a slightly better situation. We also homeschool our kids, but I have a remote job and the work load is pretty light. Sometimes it feels like I'm merely on retainer for when they need me. I'm not the kind of person who enjoys not being busy at work, but it's a stress free job and it's very helpful during this season while my wife is overwhelmed with her duties.

Normally, I spend a lot of time helping her with all of this, but I just had surgery recently and I've been unable to do very much. So maybe this wasn't the best time to be bringing up a stressful topic with her!

 

[steve]

I don't really know what that means in our context. The fact we don't have any help isn't really changing any time soon, if ever. That's really what we're struggling with. I wish someone somewhere would volunteer to help us somehow. Sometimes I'm so tired and drowning in all this, I feel like screaming for help, but there's no one there to hear it.

This isn't the only reason I'm interested in F2, but it's the one thing that makes it feel so urgent. We need a break so badly.

I’m curious as to what help you think that a family should have?

Outside of spiritual and medical help, it seems that the family is mostly an autonomous entity.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I’m curious as to what help you think that a family should have?

Outside of spiritual and medical help, it seems that the family is mostly an autonomous entity.

Our family is an autonomous entity, but I don't think that's healthy. I think that's one of the reasons polygyny was common in the old testament. People were much more spread out, so they created larger families to create support structures.

I think in a healthy family, at the very least, the grandparents should be available to lighten the burden of childcare. I see this all the time with our neighbors. They all have family members who come help when a baby is born, watch the kids, take the kids for several days at a time while the parents take a trip together.

We've never been away from the kids for more than a couple hours the entire time we've been married. We only get breaks apart from each other because someone has to be with the kids.

 

[FeministVampireQueen]

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t overthink it.

Now if she never wants to talk to you again, that’s different. Most women aren’t going to be comfortable even hinting that they have an interest in another woman’s man. It’s a taboo subject in our culture.

It’s a good sign for now.

But, I said before that being a part of your family is almost certainly not on her radar. She’s only acting in a way polite culture would have her act.

This is really good advice/observation. Even a woman who is open to plural marriage may act this way in some aspects as well, the fact that it's likely not even on her radar yet makes her behavior even more normal. You were in public as well, she likely didn't want to be seen by others as too interested in a married man.

As far as the conversation with your wife, this was likely the first time she was exposed to something like this so closely? Let her feelings settle before taking anything as "final." Definitely listen to how she feels in the moment, though.

 

[MemeFan]

Or most likely F2 is monogamous and has decided to "respect your marriage".

Man, you need to speak with her. Why are questioning her shocked face when finding you were married? Ask her.

Why guess when you can know.

 

[MemeFan]

I can't sleep. I didn't know my wife felt so strongly about plural marriage until tonight. She seemed agreeable before. She said positive things about it and she agreed on the biblical basis for it. But she made it very clear tonight that she doesn't want to do this.

Go hug your wife and provide her some sense of security.

You need vision which will pull you and your wife towards vision despite pain.

 

[steve]

We've never been away from the kids for more than a couple hours the entire time we've been married. We only get breaks apart from each other because someone has to be with the kids.

I don’t know what others consider normal, but when I raised children, just two of them, we followed the rule of never having children in our bedroom.
A few nights, when a child was teething, we spelled each other with the child in bed with one of us.
Getting away without the children wasn’t a priority, but it did happen once in a great while.

As far as polygyny having been normal in the OT times, it wasn’t available to very many households. Most guesses are between 5 and 15 percent. Most families muddled along by themselves.
Consider the pioneers, going weeks or months without seeing anyone outside of their immediate families.
You will get through this, but focusing on what you think that you need is a sure way to fail.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I don’t know what others consider normal, but when I raised children, just two of them, we followed the rule of never having children in our bedroom.
A few nights, when a child was teething, we spelled each other with the child in bed with one of us.
Getting away without the children wasn’t a priority, but it did happen once in a great while.

As far as polygyny having been normal in the OT times, it wasn’t available to very many households. Most guesses are between 5 and 15 percent. Most families muddled along by themselves.
Consider the pioneers, going weeks or months without seeing anyone outside of their immediate families.
You will get through this, but focusing on what you think that you need is a sure way to fail.

I wish we didn't have kids in the bedroom. It's really hard. We've always had a baby in the bedroom with us because we've had them one after another. But the hardest thing right now is that our oldest has epilepsy.

We put him on a different medication for a while that turned out to be less effective and he started having seizures at night again. Now he's terrified of going to sleep because that's when he got seizures. If we make him sleep in his room, he screams and cries past midnight and even 1-2am sometimes. We've even given him sleeping pills and they don't work. The only way to get him to sleep is to let him sleep in our bed. I don't know what to do. Punishments don't work. It's not really a behavioral issue. He's just terrified of going to sleep.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

This is really good advice/observation. Even a woman who is open to plural marriage may act this way in some aspects as well, the fact that it's likely not even on her radar yet makes her behavior even more normal. You were in public as well, she likely didn't want to be seen by others as too interested in a married man.

Yeah. I hope I didn't make her feel uncomfortable. I'm going to wait for her to reach out to me.

As far as the conversation with your wife, this was likely the first time she was exposed to something like this so closely? Let her feelings settle before taking anything as "final." Definitely listen to how she feels in the moment, though.

We've been talking about this for a few months and until now, she's been very patient and agreeable. She told me today that she was hoping that if she listened, I would get it all out of my system and we could move on. That's obviously not what happened.

It's also just a really stressful time for her though, so it's not a great time to be having these conversations. She's been taking care of everyone for a couple weeks now. Everyone is sick and she hasn't gotten much sleep.

 

[steve]

We put him on a different medication for a while that turned out to be less effective and he started having seizures at night again. Now he's terrified of going to sleep because that's when he got seizures. If we make him sleep in his room, he screams and cries past midnight and even 1-2am sometimes. We've even given him sleeping pills and they don't work. The only way to get him to sleep is to let him sleep in our bed. I don't know what to do. Punishments don't work. It's not really a behavioral issue. He's just terrified of going to sleep.

Just a thought, but I would try sleeping with him in his bed for a good while to get him off of the focus on your bed.
Later you can start leaving early in the am and keep modifying until he becomes comfortable with being in his bed.